A “Charlie’s Angels” crew member was fired last month after “inappropriately touching” actress Minka Kelly’s ass on set of the show. Girls can be so uppity that way. The Daily Mail says:

The member of the crew is believed to have approached the 31-year-old and slapped her across her bottom while clutching a $100 bill in his hand on August 23.

An set insider [said], ‘It seems like it was meant to be a joke, but clearly it was inappropriate. Minka was shocked and absolutely irate. She was still fuming about it hours later.’

When the crew member tried to apologize to Minka the next day, she slapped him across the face.

He was then removed from the production by TV executives the following day.

That sounds like a hundred dollar dare that didn’t go so well. He should be thankful that all he got was bitch-slap and a pink slip, not Derek Jeter with a knife or a bunch of cops and an assault charge on his record. I’ve said it so many times, but you gotta be careful about who you grope on a dare, people. Otherwise I wouldn’t have devoted a whole chapter to it in my new book, “Sexual Battery for the Soul.”

At the Emmy’s with her Charlie’s Angels co-stars Sunday night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Charlie Sheen surprised everybody when he presented the Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series at the Emmy Awards last night, and not just because he appeared to have recently bathed and taken his meds, but because he had nothing but kinds words for his former cast members (video of his speech after the jump). The Daily Mail says:

Sheen stunned the audience when he declared: “I want to take a moment to get something off my chest and say a few words to everybody at Two and a Half Men.

From the bottom of my heart, I wish you nothing but the best for this upcoming season. We spent eight wonderful years together and I know you will continue to make great television.”

So naturally, right after he presented the award, the network had already arranged for “Two and a Half Men” stars Jon Cryer and Ashton Kutcher to take the stage. Gotta have that water cooler moment carefully orchestrated, because drama equals ratings! Except that Charlie Sheen didn’t precipitate any drama — he stopped short of crying and apologizing while pulling up his pants — so it sorta just made Cryer and Kutcher look like jackasses:

The two poked fun at Charlie with Cryer opening their bit by joking: ‘Hello, I’m that guy from Pretty in Pink.’

Then Kutcher chimed in saying: ‘I am not Charlie Sheen’, as he looked at Cryer he added: ‘Jon, I want to tell you something. I do not think that you are a troll,’ referring to a insult Charlie levied at his former co-star a few months ago.

But both they and the audience had been wrong-footed by the sincere, and incredibly sad words from the man who once branded himself a ‘warlock.’

Juxtaposed with this contrite monologue, their routine almost seemed like a cheap dig – proving that Sheen still knows how to steal a show when you least expect it.

Charlie even told Matt Lauer last week that he was “open” to the idea of returning for a cameo on the show. Talk about a complete 180. He must have found out the hard way that he couldn’t pay for whores and cocaine with #WINNING t-shirts and trash bags full of fake tiger blood.

And now, for some of the worst dresses of the night, starting with Gwyneth Paltrow:

Heidi Klum:

Katie Holmes:

Lea Michele:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

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“Modern Family” was the big winner at last night’s 63rd Annual Emmy Awards (click here for a complete list of winners and nominees), taking home the awards for Best Comedy, Best Supporting Actress (Julie Bowen), Best Supporting Actor (Ty Burrell), Best Director and Best Writing in the comedy category. What you may not know is that I also took home several awards last night, including Best Who Gives a Shit, Best What in Holy Hell is Happening with Christina Hendrick’s Tits, and Outstanding Roach Clip Dexterity. And I didn’t even have to dress up.

Christina Hendricks, Sofia Vergara, and Kate Winslet here; Claire Danes and Nina Dobrev after the jump:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

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The best part of any awards show is making fun of the bad dresses, but before you get your panties up in a knot, you should know that Nina Dobrev is NOT on my worst dressed list. She was actually my other favorite for the night’s best-dressed. She’s just up there as a frame of reference — an example of all that is right and good in the world — when faced with a lumbering behemoth like Kaycee Stroh and her polyester lava lamp prison or Rita Wilson’s Phantom of the Opera-themed stripper shoes. Be thee warned — now begins the winter of your discontent!

The best of the worst after the jump.

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I was too busy getting drunk last night to actually watch the Emmy Awards, but I do know that Christina Hendrick’s boobs were there (as evidenced above). I was going to Tivo it, but then it turned out I don’t have Tivo, only a VCR, and I’ll be damned if I’m taping over World’s Funniest Sports Bloopers 7. If I want to watch a bunch of stupid twats congratulate each other on their awesomeness, I’ll wait for my brother to have another kid. Besides, nobody gets pegged with a baseball in the crotch at the Emmy’s. No matter how much they might have deserved it.

And speaking of deserving peoples, People Magazine says:

Mad Men won the outstanding drama series for the third consecutive year on Sunday night, while Modern Family was named outstanding comedy series. Glee, collected an award for director Ryan Murphy and Jane Lynch, who won outstanding supporting actress in a comedy for her role as the scheming Sue Sylvester.

You can check out the complete list of winners here, and you can check out the night’s best-dressed winners below (and more after the jump). I usually hate ruffles with a passion, but Lea Michelle’s dress was my favorite of the night. She looked like a sexy flamenco dancer, which sounds terrible but somehow worked, probably through gypsy magic. Jayma Mays was my other surprise favorite of the evening, and I say “surprise” because with a name like that, I fully expected her to be black. Who knew?

Lots more best-dressed goodness after the jump, and yes, I included January Jones even though everyone else hated her dress — I guess it kind of grew on me, like a tumor:

Lea Michelle:

Jayma Mays:

Claire Danes:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures, Bauer-Griffin Online

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Actress Kristin Chenoweth collapsed Sunday night at the Emmy Awards shortly after winning Outstanding Supporting Actress for her role in “Pushing Daisies.” Page Six says

Chenoweth suffered a crippling migraine and had to lie down in the Lipton Lounge backstage after collecting her award. A source said, “People rushed to help Kristin, but once the paramedics had arrived, she said she was embarrassed.” Her rep says Chenoweth is “feeling better.”

I was all prepared to say her “migraine” was really the result of puking up every other meal and constant coke binges (what is she, 90 pounds?), but it turns out Kristin has a well-documented case of Ménière’s disease, an inner-ear disorder which can cause vertigo, nausea and crippling headaches. Everyone knows that legitimate medical conditions are not very interesting, and if there’s one thing my brief stint writing for the New York Times taught me, it’s that lying is awesome. And also that Republicans are the devil. Therefore, “Kristin Chenoweth is an anorexic meth addict on the verge of complete self-destruction, possibly voted for George Bush!” And you can quote me on that.

The 61st Annual Emmy Awards were last night, and instead of doing my standard best dressed and worst dressed posts, I’m going to try something different: being positive for a change. Yes, this year’s fashion review is going to take a page from the current politically correct climate in which nothing’s anyone’s fault and everybody who participates gets a gold star. Mediocrity is the new black! So, first up on my Best of the 2009 Emmys list is actress (?) Phoebe Price. Phoebe wins “Best Old Lady Beaver Flash” (closeup here). How’s that for a little “red carpet” action? Get it? Red carpet? Because she’s a redhead… and, you know… carpet and the drapes — oh, just forget it. I’m going to go ahead and give myself a gold star for that joke anyway. See, everybody wins!

The Best of the Rest after the jump

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The Emmy Awards happened last night.  It was their 60th anniversary, so they decided to celebrate with the most boring show in the history of the universe, hosted by the shanty town of tool sheds pictured above.  Okay, so Heidi Klum isn’t a complete tool shed, at least comparatively.  She is, however, dressed like a lunatic.  There’s some sort of inexplicable grandma shawl, and her earrings look like they’re attacking her face.  I guess it’s fine though, since she only wore this getup for about fifteen minutes.  I stopped keeping track of her wardrobe changes after the third or fourth time I fell asleep.  I’ve seen class plays at elementary schools that were more entertaining than the Emmys.

Because I am a giver and I suffer for you, I watched the entire sideshow of somnolence and I can tell you that there were exactly three funny moments.  Jesus, the show was boring.  Josh Groban did this… I don’t even know, it was some kind of singing thing that felt like what would happen during a telethon in hell, and it lasted for about eleven and a half hours.  I don’t really want to talk about it anymore.  Oh look, Christina Hendricks is here to help!

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