Star Magazine has been cranking out this story every couple of months for the last four years, but this time it’s for real — Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are really, truly, actually engaged. People magazine says:

“Yes, it’s confirmed,” Pitt’s manager [said]. “It is a promise for the future and their kids are very happy. There’s no date set at this time.”

Wow, such a romantic statement on their impending nuptials. So dry and devoid of joy. I guess “We placated the kids with a stupid fucking ring so they would shut the hell up about a wedding already” just wouldn’t look as nice cross-stitched on a sampler.

At the 3rd Annual Women In The World Summit in NY last month:

Miley Cyrus was spotted wearing what appeared to be an engagement ring for the second day in a row when she took the red carpet at the Muhammed Ali Celebrity Fight Night Gala in Phoenix last night. I was gonna pretend to give a shit, but it’s two-thirty in the fucking morning and I’m drunk on shitty dessert wine and I wish I were doing anything other than talking about Miley fucking Cyrus right now. The Daily Mail says:

The 19-year-old made sure photographers got a good shot of the sparkler last night… with boyfriend Liam Hemsworth by her side.

Miley placed her hands on her hips providing the perfect angle for shot of the ring.

I know what you’re thinking, but marriages between nineteen-year-olds sometimes work out. They’re called “Mormons.”

Whitney Houston’s biological daughter Bobbi Kristina and her “adopted son” Nick Gordon went public with their relationship by shoving their tongues down each other’s throats in front of a bunch of paparazzi cameras outside a pizzeria in Atlanta yesterday. I should point out that “adopted son” is in quotation marks because Whitney never legally adopted Nick, but legally adopted or not, he still lived with them for the last ten years, called Whitney “mom” and was known as “Brudder” to Bobbi Kristina. Which means this whole thing is just fucking weird. Radar Online says:

Aside from the PDA Bobbi appeared to be wearing a diamond ring on her left hand, adding validity to [reports] that the two are engaged.

“Nick proposed to Krissy on March 10, and she said yes,” a family friend told Star. “Krissy said Nick is the only person she trusts in the world. They have a very deep connection.

While Nick and Bobbi, 19, usually referred to each other as ‘baby sis’ and ‘brudder,’ Nick confirmed their new relationship on Twitter saying, “Yeah we got a little closer and what!!!”

Yeeeah! Fun Fact: Now you know exactly what “Flowers in the Attic” would have been like if it had been written and produced by Tyler Perry.

Candice Swanepoel and Erin Heatherton on Victoria’s Secret Very Sexy Tour in NY on Tuesday, because they’re clearly in a relationship that is NOT unnatural and weird:

Olivier Martinez confirmed speculations over the weekend that he and Halle Berry are indeed engaged. If I were him, I’d be strutting around, making pointing motions at myself and saying, “Oh yeah, uh-huh, look at me and my bad self!” But that’s just me. Says Digital Spy,

Halle Berry and Olivier Martinez Halle Berry honored at the Silver Rose awards gala with Grey Goose Los Angeles

Olivier Martinez has confirmed that he is engaged to Halle Berry.

The actors have been the subject of much speculation over their relationship status, ever since Berry was spotted wearing an emerald and diamond ring on her ring finger in January.

However, the Frenchman has ended speculation by telling The Miami Herald the good news.

While promoting his new South Beach restaurant Villa Azur, he told a reporter: “Yes, of course it’s true.”

Berry’s ring was designed by Robert Mazlo of Paris, who Martinez called “a real artist” who has been making jewelry for “kings and queens for many centuries”.

I would wish Halle many years of martial bliss, but seeing as he’s French I don’t really see that happening. I think French and asshole are kind of matter of national pride. I’m pretty sure they sing about it somewhere in the “La Marseillaise”. I wouldn’t know for sure, of course. I don’t speak pig.

Photo source: Fame Pictures

Not only is Sienna Miller reportedly pregnant with her first child, but word on the street is that she’s also engaged to long-time boyfriend Tom Sturridge. The Daily Mail says:

The 30-year-old actress, who has been dating actor Tom for just over a year, is believed to have broken the news to friends and family just before Christmas.

Her sister Savannah Miller tweeted today: ‘THRILLED.’

Life & Style magazine [is also] alleging that Tom proposed to Sienna in Paris over Christmas.

Babies and weddings are boring, so instead I thought we’d take a trip down memory lane. Remember that one time Sienna Miller was topless? Yeah… good times. And then there’s that one time she was topless and sucking face with a married man. And then she was topless on her balcony. And at the beach. And on a boat. And here, well, she’s just full-on naked. Reminiscing sure is fun!

Drew Barrymore signed up for her third try at marriage, but before you say, “Who the fuck cares?”…oh wait. There isn’t any reason you should care. But you can at least stick around as a simple courtesy to me. Says Celebrity Fix,

Drew Barrymore is reportedly engaged to her art consultant boyfriend, Will Kopelman.

According to US Weekly Will popped the question in Sun Valley, Idaho, over the holidays, with a source telling the mag: “He’s madly in love and knows she’s The One.”

Drew and Will have been (publicly) dating since February last year, and a ‘pal’ of Drew’s told US in October that the 36-year-old is “yearning to get married and have kids.

I thought for a moment that I should go to the doctor and get tested for narcolepsy, because I was in the middle of reading this article and then the next thing I realized, I woke up with my face in my bowl of cereal. The only reason I’m not going is because this gig doesn’t provide medical benefits, so I figured if I posted it, and then asked if you had a similar reaction, then I could figure out if it was just me or if the story is really boring enough to make you spontaneously pass out. Let’s compare notes, shall we?

In a photoshoot by Amanda de Cadenet:

About a year ago, Halle Berry was photographed wearing a ring on her left ring finger, prompting media outlets to speculate that boyfriend Olivier Martinez had proposed. Except he hadn’t. MSN says:

The twice-divorced star, 45, was snapped this week wearing an emerald-like ring on her left hand, which may or may not be the same decorative piece of jewelry she had on when the initial reports circulated in January of 2011. At the time, her rep insisted the ring was one of her own, not a bended-knee offering from her squinty-eyed French amour.

Halle’s spokesperson did not respond to our request for comment on this latest round of engagement whispers.

So that’s it. Halle Berry chose to wear a ring that she already owned on her left ring finger. Again. It meant nothing a year ago; it means nothing now. Completely pointless. Honestly, people, “Halle Berry engaged” was the big thing trending this afternoon. It’s not my fault if you can’t bother to google anything interesting.

Halle with daughter Nahla in Beverly Hills last week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

After being on-again/off-again for what feels like the last ten years, Justin Timberlake has decided to make an honest woman out of Jessica Biel. Please hold your yawns and bored rustlings until the end. Us Magazine says:

The couple of four and a half years became engaged in late December.

Timberlake popped the question to Biel, 29, in the mountains of Jackson, Wyoming. “Justin knows how much she loves snowboarding and the mountains, so it was the perfect place,” one insider explains.

Another Timberlake insider adds that he’s “never been happier” with the New Year’s Eve actress. “He knew it was the right time to propose.”

Usually when somebody says, “I knew it was the right time to propose,” what they really mean is “she was six weeks late” or “her father showed up with a .357 and a justice of the peace.” Unfortunately, they’re not even interesting enough for either of those to have been the case here. You can commence with those yawns and rustlings now.

At the boring premiere of the very boring “New Year’s Eve” in NY last month:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Britney Spears might be giving marriage the old college try with boyfriend Jason Trawick. Third time’s a charm, blah blah blah. Try and act interested, okay? Says Digital Spy,

Speculation that Trawick was planning to pop the question first emerged online this week, when a source claimed that he asked Spears’s father Jamie for permission to propose.

Another source close to the couple has told Us Weekly that Spears accepted Trawick’s marriage proposal during a private meal on Thursday (December 15).

The insider told the website: “This is something they’ve both wanted for a long time. It’s a way to cement their family. They’re both extremely happy and can’t wait to become man and wife.”

Spears has not officially confirmed the engagement, but did tweet on Friday (December 16) that Trawick has given her a very special present.

She tweeted: “OMG. Last night Jason surprised me with the one gift I’ve been waiting for. Can’t wait to show you! SO SO SO excited!!!! Xxo.”

A rep for the ‘Criminal’ singer hasn’t commented on the engagement rumors yet.

Yes, Britney might have a new engagement ring, but it’s also possible that he got her a new set of extensions and a bag of Cheetos. Don’t underestimate the power of bright orange artificially-cheese-flavored snacks and a new weave to get a girl excited.

Polly Parsons (don’t know who she is) mounting some dude in Dubai (don’t know who he is). What, you expect me to do research?

Edward Norton celebrated his rumored engagement to girlfriend of six years Shauna Robertson with a seaside holiday in lovely Sardinia. Apparently nobody in Italy cares if your tits are bigger than your fiancée’s.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Britney Spears is allegedly going to be missus for the third time after a “source” dropped the news that she’s secretly engaged to boyfriend Jason Trawick. Of course, this is coming from a tabloid, and is the second time she’d been “engaged” to him, so take it as you will. Says Star Magazine,

The 29-year-old is secretly engaged to long-term boyfriend JASON TRAWICK, who until last month was also her manager.

Talent agent Jason – ten years Britney’s senior – proposed to her by writing a romantic poem and filling the ground floor of their Los Angeles mansion with candles and roses.

The Toxic star is already sporting a flower-shaped diamond on her wedding finger.
A source said: “Britney’s desperate to settle down again and have more children. But she is very traditional and didn’t want to start a family with Jason until they’d tied the knot.”

The couple plan a low-key wedding in Hawaii after Britney finishes a world tour. The source added: “She’s on cloud nine.”

10 years ago most men would have given their favorite testicle to be with Britney. But things have changed just a tad since then. Like a ruinous Southern plantation cursed by the tortured souls of the past, Britney’s memory will forever be tarnished by images like this. Or this. Or this. Or this. You get the point.

The happy couple:

Kim Kardashian’s enormous ass is now officially off the market — she got engaged to boyfriend Kris Humphries a week ago today. I’m sure Ryan Seacrest is working out all the details on the spin-off show as we speak. People Magazine says:

On May 18th, her boyfriend of six months, New Jersey Nets forward Kris Humphries, was waiting in her bedroom on bended knee with four words written in red rose petals: “WILL YOU MARRY ME?”

Humphries popped the question with a custom-designed, 20.5-carat Lorraine Schwartz diamond sparkler. “I just knew I wanted it to be big,” says Humphries, 26, who, with the help of Kardashian’s mom Kris Jenner, planned an intimate family celebration later that evening.

“Kris really didn’t want a big celebration, but he had jokingly told my mom he’d be fine if there were mini-horses there,” says Kardashian with a laugh. “Later that night at the party, my mom brought out two mini-horses, covered in glitter, for us! It was hysterical!”

Well, he’s (technically) black, he’s a professional athlete, and he spells his name with a K. Give him a video camera and it’s everything a Kardashian could ever want in a man.

At Boa last week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures