New York Yankees’ star Derek Jeter is ready to make an honest woman out of his girlfriend of one year, Friday Night Lights’ actress Minka Kelly. According to Page Six

“Derek and Minka are secretly engaged,” [said] an insider. The Yankee captain and the actress are telling close pals to “save the date” for nuptials in the fall. “The wedding is being planned and will take place after baseball season is over,” said our source.

Derek Jeter’s dated Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson, and now he just landed Minka Kelly. When it comes to hot women, this guy sure knows how to catch ‘em! Too bad the same thing can’t be said about baseballs.

UPDATE: The NY Daily News is saying he isn’t engaged. And this commercial on the TV is saying that for just pennies on the dollar, I can own my own time share in the Jersey Shore! With prices this low, how can’t I afford not to commit to a lifetime of memories?

Minka in an Esquire photo shoot:

Kevin Jonas of the Jonas Brothers is engaged! Yeah, I don’t give a rat’s ass, either. People Magazine says

Kevin Jonas, 21, surprised his girlfriend Danielle Deleasa, 22, by showing up at her doorstep early Wednesday morning, dropping down to his knee [and presenting her] with a cushion-cut diamond ring that [he] designed.

Deleasa, a former hairdresser, first met Jonas two years ago [while vacationing with her family in the Bahamas]. It was Kevin who eagerly pursued her after… spotting her walking on the beach with a flower in her hair.

It might sound romantic from here, but the reality is he’s barely old enough to drink and still a goddamn virgin. The only way this marriage could be more destined for failure is if his incontinent grandmother moved in with them and Danielle developed an allergy to unibrows.

Brace yourself for the crazy: Britney Spears has gone brunette again. The Daily Mail says

Britney’s ever-changing hair has long been used as a barometer of her internal mood.

At the top of her game it was long, blonde and glossy - at her lowest it was shorn to reveal her bald scalp.

So, as she stepped out with rumored fiancé Jason Trawick [and a huge sparkling diamond on her ring finger], her newly brunette hair was bound to raise eyebrows.

You know, because dyeing her hair and marrying a member of her entourage worked out so well before. I guess some people just can’t bear to leave the familiar comfort of the previously-trodden path. Even if that path is actually a downward spiral into the gaping maw of public shame and humiliation. 2007, anyone?

Nothing’s official yet, but it looks as though Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr are planning to get married. The Daily Mail says

23-year old [Kerr], who first started dating Orlando Bloom in late 2007, is now rumored to be engaged to the Lord of the Rings star. The couple looked extremely loved-up during a visit to Cannes earlier this week… and Miranda has been spotted wearing what looks like an engagement ring on her left finger.

Orlando Bloom might have starred in two of the most successful movie trilogies of all time and just laid claim to gorgeous lingerie model, but I’m not worried. Not at all. My day’s coming. Why, just last week my mom told me I was destined for a lifetime of fame and success. Only she used the expression “even a blind pig finds an acorn every now and then,” and instead of giving me a reassuring hug, she dumped my suitcase on the ground and peeled off in a cloud of dust and gin, but I know that’s what she meant. Sometimes you have to look past “words” and “actions” to discover the true meaning inside.

(Unretouched!) lingerie shoot and (retouched) VS swimsuit catalog pics:

First there were rumors that Britney Spears was getting it on with one of her tour backup dancers named Geo, and then she was supposedly boning another backup dancer, 21-year-old Chase Benz, and then there were claims that she was bumpin’ uglies with Kevin Federline, but this one has to take the cake — Britney is reportedly engaged to be married to real estate developer John Sundahl. NY Daily News says

40-year-old Sundahl met the pop princess in rehab in 2007 during Britney’s bald days and has held a torch for her ever since.

[His] personal pilot told us: “Britney and John used to date, but they reconnected after her show in New Jersey, and now they’re engaged. He got down on one knee in a Subway sandwich shop in Santa Monica a week ago and proposed with a $4.5 million marquise-cut diamond. They plan on getting married at his aunt’s farm in Germany in six weeks. It’s very hush-hush, even to the employees. He’s even putting a $350K fence around the property.”

Sundahl - who’s so wealthy that he’s currently staying at his parents’ house in Woodland Hills, California, [said], “Britney doesn’t want to do anything until the tour is over. She wants press for her tour and not for an engagement.”

Living with his folks and proposing in a fast food joint, huh? Yep, that sounds about right. The only part of the story that isn’t believable is the bit where they were eating at Subway. Anyone with half a brain knows Britney Spears wouldn’t be within a ten-mile radius of a restaurant that doesn’t serve french fries and Quarter Pounders. You might as well have told me he proposed at at Mensa meeting or inside the lost city of Atlantis.

More of bikini Britney in Miami with the kids last month:

We need some less depressing news after the bucket of sadness and tragedy that was the last post.  Oh, look — this’ll do:

Adorable wee elfling Christina Ricci is engaged to her Gigantor boyfriend Owen Benjamin, her rep confirmed Tuesday.  The 5′1″ Ricci met the 6′6″ Benjamin last year on the set of their film All’s Faire in Love, and they began dating last fall.  Ricci is 29, and Benjamin’s age seems to be a complete mystery, as I couldn’t find it anywhere in my extra diligent 14-second Google search (I am a research warrior!).

I hope they have a horde of children, in a progressive series of alternating height extremes, and then start their own traveling family sideshow.  With costumes.  Sequinned costumes.

Teeny Christina and ogre-sized Owen going to Guacho Grill in Studio City:

After two rejected proposals, Reese Witherspoon has finally consented to Jake Gyllenhaal’s offer of marriage. A source told Star Magazine

“[The engagement ring] was gorgeous, and everyone noticed it right away. But she took it off as soon as she saw people staring. Reese stuffed it in her bag and didn’t put it on again the rest of the day.

There was already word out that she and Jake had gotten engaged, so the ring absolutely confirmed everybody’s suspicions. They’re ready to make it official!”

I don’t know about you, but I’m… happy for Reese. I’m allowed to say that, you know. I don’t just go around mocking celebrities for the sake of their celebrity status. I’m genuinely happy for her. Reese has finally found the girl of her dreams, and she’s about to make her all her own! I think it’d be wrong to sully such a feel-good moment with snark and thinly-veiled homophobic derision.

Shopping in Melrose:

Despite the pleas of men the world over, Megan Fox is still planning on marrying 90210 douche Brian Austin Green. Brian told People Magazine at GQ’s Woman of the Year bash on Tuesday

“[The ceremony will be] small. We might have a few people there. Don’t expect a lot of press hoopla surrounding [the] big day… You might hear about it the week after.”

Brian Austin Green better have a donkey-sized penis, because that’s about the only thing that could make this union credible. Either a giant wiener, or maybe sole possession of a ring forged in the fires of Mount Doom by the Elven smiths of Eregion. It’s the only way this makes any goddamn sense.

Pull out your hankies, boys and girls — Girl Next Door Kendra Wilkinson is engaged! Fairy tales really do come true! You know, the fairy tales where the wiggery slut with the fake tits ditches her pimp for a big black dude. You might have heard them referred to as “pornos.” Anyway, E! Online says

Philadelphia Eagles hunk Hank Baskett proposed to her atop the Space Needle this past weekend. [Kendra] seemed completely shell-shocked at the ring. H.B. even got down on one knee to pop the big [question].

I bet Kendra was surprised. It was probably the first time a guy had knelt down in front of her without trying to get a look at her leather doughnut. And to think that dummy went with a ring when all he really needed was a stack of singles and a forty of Schlitz! You might have heard it referred to as “irony.”

Looks like things are getting serious between everyone’s favorite lesbian couple — Samantha Ronson has finally proposed to girlfriend Lindsay Lohan! Well, sorta. According to The Mirror

Sam splashed out on an [$22,000] Cartier diamond ring for her girlfriend. “Sam took Lindsay shopping to celebrate her 22nd birthday,” says a source. “Although Lindsay is the major breadwinner, Sam has her own money and is very proud. It’s a token of her commitment. Lindsay is thrilled.”

Everyone agreed it was a real step up from the gold-plated dental dam Sam gave Lindsay last month, which was really less of a pledge of eternal love and more of a I-don’t-want-your-herpes-on-my-tongue kind of gift. Still nice, though! Congratulations to the happy couple!

Having lunch at Chin Chin July 7