Entertainment Tonight aired exclusive photos last night from Megan Fox and Brian Austin Greene’s secret Hawaiian wedding late last month. Megan is shown barefoot in a strapless silk chiffon gown, carrying a bouquet of white gardenias and roses. Brian wore a white shirt and white linen pants, as did his son Kassius, who carried the rings in a conch shell. They were given traditional leis following the ceremony, which was performed by a man in a toga waving a tea leaf. At that point I assume Brian fashioned a makeshift raft out of sea turtles and sailed off into the sunset, because he just made off with the hottest ass in Hollywood. It only makes sense that he’d be part pirate.

Jon Gosselin pocketed a nice chunk of change from “Entertainment Tonight” when he brought their cameras with him to twin daughters Mady and Cara’s birthday party yesterday afternoon. This would be the same guy who fired off a cease and desist letter to TLC last week on the grounds that filming the children was “detrimental to their emotional well-being.” TMZ says

Jon struck a deal with a TV show to allow it to film his kids’ birthday party — [even though] Jon doesn’t want his kids filmed on “Kate Plus 8.” Kate’s lawyer, Mark Momjian, tells TMZ, “I’ve never seen a greater hallmark for hypocrisy personified.”

Jesus Christ. At this point, even a fucking ground squirrel would make a better dad than Jon Gosselin. And they’ve been known to eat their own young from time to time. Ten bucks says a ground squirrel would have at least spelled his daughter’s name right on the damn birthday cake.

In full douche attire while arriving to the party: