How many pints of Romulan Ale would you have to drink before you had sex with the Vulcan dominatrix version of Eva Longoria? Not during the time of pon farr, obviously. That’s just being facetious. I guess it’s kind of a Catch-22, because if you actually understood anything I just wrote, you’re never going to have sex, anyway. No sense in wasting everybody’s time with your virgin speculations!

I have an opinion of Eva Longoria, and it’s a great big, “Meh”. I’ve never watched anything with her in it so I really don’t care about her. But what DO I care about? Finding sexy time pictures for all you perverts. I know, I know. I’m a giver.

Eva and her jolly green black giant on their damned fancy boat of luxurious fun

The much bally-hooed “Desperate For Ratings Housewives” lesbian kiss between Teri Hatcher and Eva Longoria aired last night, and it was every bit as un-erotic l as I’d said it’d be. The only thing drier than that kiss right there is maybe your 401K or your grandmother’s puss. I find it’s best not to think about either of those things too much.

Since ratings are down on ABC’s abysmally boring “Desperate Housewives,” what better way to spark the interest of the coveted 18-34 year-old demographic than a same-sex kiss between Susan (Teri Hatcher) and Gabrielle (Eva Longoria-Parker) ? Us Weekly says

Teri Hatcher kissed a girl — and she liked it.

“I did not kiss [Eva Longoria-Parker]. She kissed me,” Hatcher told Us. “We had fun.”

Oh, it sounds fun, alright. If by “fun” you mean “like watching two scraggly old hens try to peck each other’s eyes out in a barnyard fight.” No thanks.

At the lauchy of the Extra Douchey Juicy Season 2 DVD Edition:

Since headwear is all the rage for spring, I’m just going to go ahead and say that I would totally wear Eva Longoria’s ass like a hat. And not one of those fancy Sunday school hats that sit way back on the top of your head, either. An Uncle Buck style one where the cheeks come down and make little flaps over your ears. And then I’d tie her legs underneath my chin like a Little House on the Prairie-style bonnet and wear her with a pair of peep-toe patent leather pumps and a pencil skirt. My sketches are still in the preliminary stages, but I’m sure I’ll be hearing back from her camp any day now.

Pump hard, pump harder:

Meryl Streep and Sean Penn were the big winners at last night’s 15th annual SAG Awards, along with “Slumdog Millionaire” and oh, Jesus Christ, who fucking cares anymore. People Magazine says

The SAG Awards – which are voted on by the union celebrating actors and are broadcast from Los Angeles’s Shrine Auditorium – are considered by many in the industry to anticipate Oscar winners.

The cast of Slumdog Millionaire was named outstanding cast in a motion picture, foreshadowing a probable Best Picture Oscar win.

Kate Winslet was named best female actor in a supporting role for her part in the Holocaust drama The Reader. In the supporting male category, Heath Ledger earned another posthumous trophy for his role as the macabre Joker in The Dark Knight.

But everyone agreed that the biggest surprise of the evening was learning that SAG stood for “Screen Actors Guild,” not “Self-absorbed Ass-kissing Gasbags.” Acronyms can be so misleading sometimes!

Eva Longoria in a shitty orange dress with shitty orange hair:

Lisa Rinna looking like a blow-up doll that was hosed down with turpentine and left in the sun:

Teri Hatcher in a ridiculously fluffy dress and the always impeccable Marcia Cross:

Hell yes Jack Bauer:

Obligatory Brad and Angelina:

Kate Winslet showing off her Golden Globes:

The eh-sultry and eh-spicy Penelope Cruz:

The complete list of winners, along with more pics of Tina Fey, Christina Applegate, Olivia Wilde and additional Brangelina for your viewing pleasure after the jump.

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The Emmy Awards happened last night.  It was their 60th anniversary, so they decided to celebrate with the most boring show in the history of the universe, hosted by the shanty town of tool sheds pictured above.  Okay, so Heidi Klum isn’t a complete tool shed, at least comparatively.  She is, however, dressed like a lunatic.  There’s some sort of inexplicable grandma shawl, and her earrings look like they’re attacking her face.  I guess it’s fine though, since she only wore this getup for about fifteen minutes.  I stopped keeping track of her wardrobe changes after the third or fourth time I fell asleep.  I’ve seen class plays at elementary schools that were more entertaining than the Emmys.

Because I am a giver and I suffer for you, I watched the entire sideshow of somnolence and I can tell you that there were exactly three funny moments.  Jesus, the show was boring.  Josh Groban did this… I don’t even know, it was some kind of singing thing that felt like what would happen during a telethon in hell, and it lasted for about eleven and a half hours.  I don’t really want to talk about it anymore.  Oh look, Christina Hendricks is here to help!

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Ancient Chinese philosopher Confucius once said, “Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it.” Um, okay. That whole “not seeing it” bit must go double for Eva Longoria here. She looks like she ought to be wiping down the Slurpee machines on the 7-11 night shift or bringing me fresh towels and linens, not starring in a television series on ABC. Curiously, the local Home Depot reported record sales of paint thinner and putty knives the very same evening Eva was photographed without her makeup. Coincidence? You do the math! No, really. You do it. Book learnin’ and arithrimication weren’t never my strong suits in school. Don’t you judge me!

Is Eva Longoria really pregnant? Does anybody really care? The Daily Mail says

The Desperate Housewives star stepped out in a loose-fitting purple dress in Los Angeles yesterday.She has been wearing a succession of uncharacteristically frumpy clothes in recent weeks. As such, speculation has been rife on both sides of the Atlantic that the 33-year-old could in fact be pregnant.

Ooh, there’s something you don’t see every day. A pregnant Mexican. We might want to take pictures and record this for all posterity. Who knows when something like this might happen again!

Keeping her hands in front of her abdomen at the ALMA Awards August 17:

The ancient Roman poet Ovid famously wrote, “At night there is no such thing as an ugly woman.” Unfortunately, these pictures of Eva Longoria were taken during the day, and it’s not year before the birth of the Christ. Stick a Virginia Slim Premium 100 between her lips and a couple of foam rollers in her hair and she could be the assisted living super at the Golden Beginnings Leisure Gardens. Yikes.

More of Francine Dinkleburg Eva on set of Desperate Housewives:

Actress Eva Longoria is still denying that she’s pregnant, claiming her recent weight gain is just for her role on Desperate Housewives. *cough cough* LIAR! *cough* Her rep released the following statement to OK! Magazine:

“For the upcoming season [Eva's character] Gabrielle has “gained” weight and cut her hair. She is now a worn-out mother with two kids. Eva has enjoyed a more relaxed environment and will even be wearing butt pads and stomach pads.

If she’s going to be wearing butt pads and stomach pads, what exactly is the point of gaining the weight in the first place? It’d be like wearing a condom to jerk off or watching an episode of “The Hills” with the volume turned on. Serves no point whatsoever.

These pictures of Eva Longoria on vacation in Portofino took the gossip world by storm today, and “by storm” I mean “she looks fat.” Not that there’s anything wrong with being fat, necessarily. Just like there’s not anything wrong about having a lazy eye or psoriasis that thing where your head grows three time its normal size and shit oozes out of your ears. People like that can still live happy, fulfilling lives. They just need to live them somewhere far away underground in a sewer drain, where their fat ugly skin diseases and uncontrollable gas and ear secretions can’t infect the rest of us beautiful people. It’s what Darwin would have wanted.