Eva Mendes got all greased up and writhed around in the sand with Jamie Dornan in an effort to convince you that whitewashed jeans shouldn’t stay dead and buried where they belong, with nothing but Poison videos to remember them by. Is it working? Do you want to look like a Bret Michaels groupie yet? Personally, I’m thinking that if Calvin Klein has this raging hard on for 80s throwbacks, they could’ve just resurrected those old Brooke Shields ads.
From the Calvin Klein Jeans spring 2010 ad campaign:
Ten years after his other famous-people-naked book “A Private View” was published, reknown photographer Sante D’Orazio has published a followup entitled “Barely Private,” which, as the title suggests, is mostly pictures of celebrities baring their privates. Like Eva Mendes here with her nipple hanging out (click header image for NSFW above) and showing off visible bush in a pair of see-through panties (click image for possibly NSFW below). Sold and sold! Amazon.com says
Sante D’Orazio returns with a second volume of photo-diary-scrapbook, covering 1997 to 2008. Uncensored and provocative, D’Orazio [photographed] celebrities, models, musicians, actors and artists in various states of undress.
Included are Kate Moss, Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, Diane Kruger, Tricia Helfer, Stephanie Seymour, Liz Hurley, Jay-Z, Mickey Rourke, Angelina Jolie, Christina Aguilera, Pam Anderson, Keith Richards, Axl Rose, Damien Hirst, Julian Schnabel and many more.
Finally, something appropriately named! So many books and movies nowadays have such misleading titles. Like an “An American Tail” and “Free Willy,” for starters. Don’t even bother trying to get your money back at Blockbusters, because all they’ll do is laugh and point at you.
There was something different about Eva Mendes at the Venice Film Festival Wednesday night, and it’s not just that she’s not topless or covered in oil. Can you guess what it is? The Daily Mail says
The Hollywood actress looked far from her usual luminous self Wednesday night, [appearing] tired as she arrived for the premiere of the Italian epic Baaria.
Perhaps jet-lag was to blame after her long-haul flight from Los Angeles.
Well, from the looks of it, she was probably up all night packing the bags under her eyes. Cross-continental flights really require a lot of organization, you know!
Topless and covered in oil for this month’s Italian Vanity Fair, plus more saggy-baggy in Venice:
You know, whenever I’m all get all shiny and oily looking all I get it, Sonya, you stink, Sonya, take a shower, Sonya, stop wrestling with those pigs! When Eva Mendes gets all greased up, someone whips out a camera, sandwiches her behind a hot guy and slaps her on a billboard. I get the hose. Sheesh, some women have all the luck.
The 66th Annual Golden Globes Awards were last night, and I held fast to my tradition of watching “The Big Lebowski” while high as a kite instead. Try it yourself and I believe you’ll find the Golden Globes infinitely more tolerable that way. I mean, say what you want about the tenents of National Socialism — at least it’s an ethos. Am I right?
And speaking of high as a kite, a visibly impaired and cloying Cameron Diaz managed to fuck up Angelina Jolie’s name while presenting and trying to be cute (clip above). But even that wasn’t the most annoying moment of the night. Kate Winslet (keep watching) nabbed that distinguished honor after blathering on at the podium for five minutes and panting and gasping like Fatty McGee after taking a flight of stairs. People Magazine says
A breathless Kate Winslet, the first winner of the night at Sunday’s Golden Globes as best supporting actress for The Reader… was also named best leading actress in the drama Revolutionary Road.
Winslet, along with Mickey Rourke, Colin Farrell, Happy-Go-Lucky’s Sally Hawkins, the late Heath Ledger, Slumdog Millionaire, and Woody Allen’s Vicky Christina Barcelona were the top winners in the film categories.
The HBO miniseries John Adams, AMC’s Mad Men and NBC’s multiple-winner 30 Rock took TV honors.
Blah blah blah who cares. Look, if I’m gonna watch a group of people in ridiculous costumes shamelessly kissing each other’s asses for four hours, I’m not going to do it on network fucking TV. I’m going to rent “Starship Poopers” and “Backdoor Bandits on Big Butt Row” and get my damn money’s worth. And also maybe stain the couch.
Eva Mendes and Nicole Kidman both pose in separate issues of Elle magazine in the upcoming months, but Eva’s spread is far superior to Nicole’s. No question about it. Eva just oozes raw sensuality; Nicole is about as sexy as an elementary school music teacher with a neck goiter. Ask any guy. I guarantee they’ll agree with me. It’s the metaphorical equivalent of asking, “Hey, would you like me to give you a handjob, or should I just pour this here hot tar in your nostrils?” Case closed!
While at New York’s Fashion Week promoting her new bedding line for Macy’s, Eva Mendes revealed that she had gotten laid in all 50 states in the union. Road trip! Road trip! According to the Daily Telegraph
Mendes assured reporters her 50 state feat was not with 50 different men. “A lot of it was on a road trip I took when I was younger,” Mendes said.
As for where she had the best sex, she revealed it was in Arizona and Colorado. “Maybe it was the clear air, or the quiet, or the endless sky… whatever it was, it was really, really good.” The worst sex she had was in Alaska.”I’d really like a do-over on that state,” Mendes said, before suggesting publicists at Alaska Air sponsor a trip for her there for that purpose.
I don’t see what the big effing deal is. So she might have had sex in all fifty states. Big deal. You know, I once did it behind the Liberty Bell on a high school field trip, but you don’t see me bragging about it. Okay, so it was more of “just the tip.” And it was last week. Um… mutual masturbation? FINE. It was just me with my pants down. I hope you’re happy. It still counts because I was arrested. Who’s the big patriot now, Ms. Mendes? The Liberty Bell is a national institution!
Pimping her Calvin Klein inew fragrance in Rome Sept 15th:
Eva Mendes’ new Calvin Klein ad for his latest fragrance “Secret Obsession” has been banned by U.S. networks for its “racy content” (re: nipples). The NY Daily News says
The “We Own the Night” star caresses herself, rolls around in a rumpled bed and – oops! – flashes a nipple in the 30-second TV spot for Secret Obsession. “Between love and madness lies obsession,” Mendes whispers huskily. “Love … madness. It’s my secret.”
The ban “is not entirely a surprise for the U.S. market,” [said the] president of Calvin Klein, Inc. “We believe the commercial is exceptional. [The attention surrounding the ad] just reinforces our belief in the campaign, in true Calvin Klein fashion, sparks controversy.”
And it reinforces my belief that if something is spectacularly average and clichéd in every way possible, just toss some nipples in the mix and it’s magically avant-garde! Unless you’re applying for financial assistance or a bank loan, in which case nipples are more of a public indecency charge and nuisance. The more you know!
Fashion designer Calvin Klein has chosen DIY abortion championEva Mendes to be the new face — well, new ass, technically — of their 2008 underwear ad campaign. OK! Magazine says
The advertisements, which will debut in the fall, will focus on “seductive comfort.” She will also be the face of a-yet-unnamed Calvin Klein fragrance.
Sorry, but in what kind of bizarro world do the words “seductive” and “comfort” go together? Comfort = flannel with butt flap; seductive = underwire and g-string burn. It’s a simple mathematic principle known as inversely proportionality. If one of the variables is directly proportional to the multiplicative inverse of the other, or if their product is a constant, it means that as the absolute value of one variable gets bigger (seductiveness), the absolute value of the other gets smaller (comfort). Or as Dr. Love says, “the longer it takes to put it on and the more it pinches, pulls, chafes and/or itches, the sexier it actually is.” Did I mention Dr. Love is in my pants? She’s really the authority on all things boudoir.
Page Six posted the following scandalous blind item this morning:
Which actress went into rehab only after she suffered a miscarriage? She was on a four-day cocaine bender when she lost the baby she didn’t even know she was carrying.
And then I happened across these pictures of freshly-rehabbed actress Eva Mendes leaving a Beverly Hills medical center on Monday and put two and two together. “Put two and two together,” of course being journalism speak for “wildly speculating without authenticating.” As seen on the Fox News channel!
