A German model was charged Thursday with trying to extort $100,000 from Cindy Crawford by using a “sexy” photo of the supermodel’s then-7-year-old daughter Kaia “in revealing clothing, bound to a chair and gagged.” The picture, reportedly stolen from the Crawford’s former nanny, was simply part of an innocuous “cops and robbers” game the nanny claims to have played with the children. Yeah, that’s normal. The NY Daily News says

[German model and the nanny's ex-boyfriend] Edis Kayalar [initially] told Crawford and Gerber [back in July] that he was broke and wanted a reward for returning the photo, portraying himself as a “good guy.”

Gerber met Kayalar and Kayalar handed the photo over. Gerber gave him $1,000 for his “trouble.”

But Kayalar contacted the couple two days later, allegedly claiming he still had a copy of the photo and threatening to sell it to a tabloid for $500,000.

Crawford and Gerber went to the cops, who picked up Kayalar. He was turned over to immigration officials, who booted him from the country in September because he was here illegally.

Well, all’s well that ends well, right? Um, not exactly…

The couple thought their nightmare was over until Nov. 1, when Kayalar e-mailed them from Germany with new threats of selling the photo to a tabloid if they did not pay him $100,000.

Kayalar allegedly gave Gerber a German bank account number and routing information, saying the money should be wired within three days or the photo would be made public.

As of Thursday night, Kayalar had not been arrested. Authorities were searching for him in Germany.

Well, if you don’t want sexy bondage pictures of your second-grader on the internet, DON’T LEAVE THEM WITH FUCKING STRANGERS WHILE YOU GO GALLIVANTING AROUND EUROPE!!!! Just like you don’t leave your kids on the railroad tracks while you run errands and you don’t give them a dry cleaning bag and a handgun to occupy them while you touch up your makeup. Jesus Christ. Am I taking crazy pills? It seems so common sense to me! And for the record, I’m pretty sure that “au pair” is actually French for “shitty parent.” Look it up.

Cindy with her daughter in Hawaii last year:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Meet “Late Show” assistant Stephanie Birkitt — the woman unknowingly at the center of the extortion case against David Letterman and the former girlfriend of “48 Hours” Robert “Joe” Halderman, the man accused of doing the actual blackmailing. Confused? Good. Radar Online says

Stephanie Birkitt met Halderman at CBS about 15 years ago. At the time, Halderman was in one of his two past marriages, and Halderman did not have a relationship with Birkitt.

Birkitt later got a job on Letterman’s show and has worked there for more than a decade, often appearing on air.

Our source [say] that Birkitt and Letterman slept together for a period of time before he married his girlfriend Regina had their son Harry. After Halderman divorced, the source says he got involved with Stephanie and she lived with him in Connecticut.

The source says Birkitt told Halderman that she had had sex with Letterman.

So it seems that while they were living together (and without her consent), Halderman went through Birkitt’s personal effects for proof of hers and Letterman’s affair to use to blackmail the talk show host, including

Copies of parts of a diary and correspondence belonging to Birkitt, [along with] documents, letters, emails and photos.

Jesus, I didn’t know anyone other than 8th grade girls kept actual diaries. What a stupid idea. I guess you never know when all your puffy hearts and triple-underlined “Mrs. Stephanie Lettermans” will come back to bite you in the ass.

Olivia Wilde arriving to The Late Show:

David Letterman admitted on CBS’ “Late Show” last night that he had been the victim of a $2 million dollar extortion attempt by a producer at “48 Hours” stemming from his sexual encounters with several women currently in his employ. Letterman, of course, has been married to Regina Lasko since March, after dating her for 23 years, but in his defense, she looks like she should be in construction, or the very least a member of the East German Hammer Throwing Team. According to Variety

On the show, Letterman sat down behind his desk and [said he had] received a package three weeks ago from someone who claimed to have information about alleged sexual relations he has had with female employees of the “Late Show.”

“I get to looking through it and there’s a letter in the package and it says, ‘I know that you do some terrible, terrible things. And I can prove that you do these terrible things.’ Sure enough, contained in the package was stuff to prove that I do terrible things,” Letterman said.

The host said the alleged extortion suspect claimed he planned to write both a movie screenplay and a book based on what he knew — that Letterman had engaged in sex with staffers.

Letterman said the individual threatened to go public with the allegations unless Letterman paid the person $2 million.

The host, under advisement of his attorney, met with the man on three different occasions. According to Letterman, the suspect even made it clear he knew what he was doing was illegal.

Letterman told his audience that he then contacted the Manhattan District Attorney’s Special Prosecution Bureau. The meeting with the D.A. led to a sting operation, in which Letterman met with the individual and handed the person a fake $2 million check. That person was arrested on Thursday.

$2 million? Are you kidding me? In this economy? If the extortionist had kept it reasonable, say, $500,000 and maybe the property rights to Paul Shaffer, he would have his money and his little muppet, too. Now all he’ll have to keep him company are Angelo the Serial Stabber and the nickname “Cream of Meat.”

Kim Kardashian on the show last night: