Either Eminem hired Mariah Carey’s retoucher, or else someone accidentally microwaved his face in a Tupperware container. I haven’t seen that much tucking since The RuPaul Show debuted on VH1.

Mickey Rourke strikes me as the kind of guy who bypasses the shower for those all-purpose body wipes so popular with hobos and truck stop hookers. Nothing about that man looks clean. And I bet you’re wondering, “What the hell is wrong with his damn face?” Well, it appears that he had laces sewn into the back of his scalp. You just pull those strings taut and voilà — the ol’ mug is tighter than a drum! And besides, scalp-laces are really the only logical explanation for his hair. No person in their right mind would put their fingers in there. Ten bucks says that ain’t Brylcreem, boys and girls. I’d rather stick my hand in a shark’s mouth.

With the lovely Maggie Grace at The Wrestler premiere:

Maggie Grace:

If Nikki Cox was going for that Han-Solo-frozen-in-carbonite look, congratulations. She fucking nailed it.

More of Nikki and husband Jay Mohr at the People’s Choice Awards nominations yesterday: