Hello my pretties, it’s Sarah.  Abby’s got a roller derby thing happening today, but she’ll be back tomorrow and I heard she bought some dictaphone software just in case she shatters her wrist again, so it won’t even matter if she can’t type!

In news of the stupid, Jennifer Love Hewitt is turning 31, so naturally she dressed up in a cute, sophisticated cocktail dress and went out to a club with friends and had a few drinks and a good time.  HAHAHA!  No, I’m just fucking with you.  What I mean to say is that she wore this jackassy nonsense, and while it does appear that two “friends” (possibly hired lackeys) were involved, they didn’t go anywhere or do anything other than stand outside her gate and pose for the paparazzi, whom she called and invited (possibly whilst crying).

And again, she’s turning 31.  THIRTY-ONE. Not three.  Not even 13.  THIRTY-ONE.

This getup would be kind of a lame failure for an 80s themed bachelorette party involving actual buckets of margaritas, but as a birthday outfit for a grown ass woman?  I don’t even have the time or the energy to address everything that’s wrong with this.

Jennifer Love Hewitt dressed up as Retard Barbie for her 31st birthday:

Hi guys, it’s Sonya today. Did you know that nipples can stick to ice? It’s true. Just ask Abby when she gets back.

So, the Grammys happened last night, and like the dedicated blogger that I am, I didn’t watch them. I don’t really care who gets what, because it’s all a bunch of crap anyway. They never mention my favorite group, Captain Geech and the Shrimp Shack Shooters, so I don’t bother. I am interested in what everyone wore, so here we go:

Taylor Swift’s dress fits kind of weird, I think.

Rihanna chose to let her dress do the choking

During a lapse in security, crazy lady Phoebe Price slipped in, as did super-classy Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi

Pink didn’t need to sneak in, she just snarled at security

(more…)

Rachel McAdams was at the Madrid premiere of Sherlock Holmes, and she wore this weirdly frumpy, dowdy grandmother dress in a horrible beige colour which completely washes out her normally lovely skin.  The crunchy looking helmet hair and the heavy bronze eye makeup were not helping.  Rachel McAdams is beautiful, but she’s always looked a little wan as a blonde (she’s much prettier with dark hair) and this whole colour palette she’s got going on here is doing her no favours.  I even hate her earrings, which look like bedazzled spear heads, and her shoes look like orthopedic fuck me pumps or something.  I just don’t understand any of this.

Rachel McAdams at the Spanish premiere of Sherlock Holmes in Madrid:

Lady Gaga had another PAY ATTENTION TO ME moment at the Las Vegas Consumer Electronics trade show, where she did whatever this crazy business is to her head.  I don’t even know.  I mean, I just get the feeling Prince sees pictures of this chick and mutters under his breath about how some people really need to tone down their eccentricities.  Anyway, Gaga was also recently named Creative Director for Polaroid (???) and Tweeted a picture of her new business cards:

Whatever.  I guess someone who will quite literally do anything to get her picture taken might be a good person to have around at a camera company.  Or something.

At the Las Vegas Consumer Electronics trade show:

Several years ago, Angelina Jolie became the face of St. John clothing and promoted their line for awhile.  This should be really old news, but all of a sudden St. John are running their mouth off about Angelina and basically saying they dumped her for being more of a big deal than their boring clothes designed for Ladies Who Lunch.  From People:

While Angelina Jolie hasn’t appeared in an ad for St. John for some time, the luxury knitwear company is speaking out on the absence of her famous face from their campaign. The label’s chief executive officer Glenn McMahon tells WWD, “[Jolie] overshadowed the brand. We wanted to make a clean break from actresses and steer away from blondes and cleanse the palette.” So while other luxury brands have hired the likes of Madonna, Emma Watson, Eva Mendes and others to star in their upcoming spring/summer 2010 campaigns, St. John turned to red-headed model Karen Elson, a decision McMahon sees as a step in the right direction for the brand. “We needed to show a modern point of view of St. John,” he says. “We have evolved.” And according to the label’s website, executive vice president of design for St. John, George Sharp, who also directed the new ads, views Karen as the “epitome of the modern day woman…the St. John woman… strong, confident, sensual and approachable with effortless glamour.”

St. John had a three year contract with Angelina Jolie which began in 2005 and ended in the summer of 2008, so their business relationship has been over and done with for a year and a half and should really have no bearing on whatever the hell the company’s doing now.  It sounds to me like the St. John CEO is either bitter and vengeful or is an attention whore trying to squeeze the last drop of blood from his boring-ass company’s tenuous connection to one of the most famous women in the world.

Besides, the folks at St. John are delusional if they think they have a “modern point of view” or that they’ve “evolved” because while they make relatively nice things, they don’t exactly trend young.  Their stuff is tasteful and conservative, and doesn’t get anywhere near edgy or fashion forward.  My grandmother liked St. John, but she was old and now she’s dead.  Actually, the only people I’ve ever met in real life who wore their clothes were all at least 55 years old, so if St. John had a lick of damn sense they’d get someone like Helen Mirren or Susan Sarandon to advertise their line.

Karen Elson for the St. John spring 2010 campaign:

Some of Angelina Jolie’s old ads for St. John:

Just this past weekend, Lindsay Lohan cracktweeted her little heart out about how “drama-free” her 2010 was going to be.  To the surprise of absolutely no one, that master plan went to hell in a handbasket in only a couple of days.  Lindsay is a failure in every way, however, so of course things are getting more ridiculous by the minute.  From People:

Merely a week after plans to expand her leggings line 6126 into a full fashion line hit the internet — complete with sketches — Lindsay has been accused of copying designs by two separate designers, reports WWD. First, James Lillis, designer of Black Milk Clothing, took to his blog, toomanytights.typepad.com, to point out the similarities between Lindsay’s “Diamond” leggings and his own “Sheer Spartan” leggings — both of which boast a signature triangle cutout at mid-thigh. Next,Fashionista.com labeled Lindsay’s geometric dress as a dead ringer for a Jen Kao dress the star wore only last month — to which designer Jen Kao responded to WWD, saying, “While we are all well aware that being ‘mimicked’ or ‘copied’ has always existed in this industry, I think the evolution of it all has grown to an alarming level. It’s a shame to support the concept of taking advantage of designers who are still trying to develop a name and solidify the image of their design aesthetic.” While Lindsay has yet to respond to the accusations against her, Kristi Kaylor, president of 6126, defended Lindsay and the integrity of her designs to WWD, saying, “The alleged ‘copying’ claims made by these companies are false and have absolutely no merit or validity whatsoever. Any alleged similarities are purely coincidental. The 6126 illustrations for the upcoming fall 2010 collections do not even describe the fabric content, fit or actual construction details of the garments. This is merely an accusation based upon a pencil sketch with no concrete viable evidence to back up the allegations.”

Are you goddamn kidding me?  “Alleged” similarities?  Get the fuck out.  The 6126 “Diamond” leggings sketch is shown here on the left, and Black Milk Clothing’s “Sheer Spartan” leggings are shown on the right.

Image via Too Many Tights

And here’s the dress design Lindsay stole from Jen Kao:

Image via Fashionista

These are not “alleged similarities” and I can’t believe that anyone, even coked-up Lindsay Lohan and her retarded lackeys, would have the unmitigated gall to dump such a ridiculous bucket of bullshit.  These 6126 sketches are goddamn identical to the work of other designers.  Jesus, at this point it wouldn’t surprise me in the least if Lindsay Lohan drew a picture of the Eiffel Tower in crayon and then claimed she built it.

Emma Watson is featured in the Burberry spring/summer 2010 ad campaign, and… meh.  I mean, Emma is a very pretty girl and I’m pleased she’s gone back to slightly darker hair (I didn’t like her as a blonde; it washed her out), but why so glum?  Her facial expressions here vary from “dead-eyed stare” to “halfhearted scowl” and I’m a little puzzled.  She doesn’t have jacked up teeth or anything, so what’s with the moratorium on smiling?

Remember when Lindsay Lohan announced that 6126, her line of leggings, would be expanded into a full collection?  And then remember when she promised LOHAN MAYHEM!!!!!!! for 2010?  Obviously, this was all headed straight for Disasterville, and the trainwreck arrived right on time.

From Us Magazine:

Sounds like Lindsay Lohan’s New Year has gotten off on the wrong foot.

While celebrating 2010 on the island of St. Barth’s, the 23 year-old star discovered that she was ripped off by her longtime best friend and sidekick Patrick “Pootie” Aufdenkamp.

A friend close to Lohan tells UsMagazine.com, “Patrick stole Lindsay’s sketches for her new 6126 clothing line.” WWD reported Dec. 30 that Lohan’s 6126 leggings line would be expanded to become a full clothing collection for fall 2010; her role as artistic advisor for fashion house Emanuel Ungaro, despite a rocky start, is also ongoing.

Lohan tells UsMagazine.com that Aufdenkamp has been her “best friend” since she was 16. He has frequently been photographed with the actress, and was present at many meetings related to her new fashion line.

“He is now running off trying to do his own line,” a Lohan pal says incredulously, “And telling people he’s going to fashion market week in NYC on February 18 to debut his line.”

Adds the Lohan source, “It’s horrible. He was her best friend. He has always used her, and she’s been warned to never trust him. Lindsay is a good friend and likes to see the good in people. She didn’t want to believe how bad Patrick’s energy was, and how false his friendship has always been with her.”

Lohan herself spoke to UsMagazine.com exclusively about the sad incident. “I should’ve known better,” she said, noting that the friendship with “Pootie” has ended. “But new year for me and a new beginning! Health, happiness, success and love!”

A rep for Aufdenkamp could not be reached for comment.

If Lindsay expected anything better than this from a dude named Pootie then she’s even dumber than I gave her credit for.  But hey, on the plus side, this is super great news for fans of nipple pasties, saggy tank tops, ugly hats, and leggings with built-in kneepads and condom dispensers.  Y’all might just be treated to TWO designer collections this year!  I know it’s always been a dream of mine to own a pair of shredded, probably acid-wash jeans with a bedazzled “Pootie” on the pocket that cost as much as a car payment.  It’s like Christmas came twice!

If you’re wondering just what the holy hell a “Pootie” looks like, here’s your terrifying answer:

Oh look, it’s Gwyneth Paltrow, apparently in the midst of a Seussian psychotic episode wherein she thinks she’s the goddamn Cat in the Hat or some shit.  I fully expect to see this millinery monstrosity in the next edition of GOOP, probably listed at a price of about €850.

On her way to the gym (or possibly to an audition for Seussical: The Musical):

Leighton Meester went to the opening of Klutch nightclub in Miami last night, and she wore whatever the holy hell this thing is.  I can’t even figure out what’s going on here.  Are those ruffles?  Are they scallops?  I don’t understand.  It looks like someone folded an already-ugly dress into eighths and then went at with a scissors, the way little kids make paper snowflakes in kindergarten art class.  Did she buy this thing on Etsy?

Remember when Lindsay Lohan designed a collection for Ungaro, and it was pretty much the tackiest thing ever and ended up a colossal failure?  Well, apparently not everyone remembers, because someone is inexplicably letting LiLo expand her ridiculous 6126 line of leggings into a full collection for fall 2010.  From People:

Yesterday Lindsay took to Twitter to reveal that she would be expanding the collection beyond hosiery, saying, “i need MORE followers i am so sad about this, how can i tell everyone about my 6126 full collection COMING OUT! all clothing.” This morning, WWD confirms that the expanded collection will launch for fall 2010 and feature 100 pieces that range from $18 leggings to a $300 leather jacket. The following spring the line will grow even further, to encompass 150 items, including handbags, shoes, jewelry and cosmetics.

Wow, this is a great idea.  I’d actually be hard pressed to think of a better idea than to let an emaciated, homeless-looking space case make ugly rags for which I am expected to pay good money.  I noticed there are no plans for lingerie, though.  I guess Lindsay Lohan doesn’t believe in other people wearing knickers, either.  Maybe on the runway, the models will walk figure-eights around metal barrels full of burning bras.  Saggy tits are the wave of the future, yo.

This is Blake Lively on the set of “Gossip Girl” yesterday.  I’ve never seen an episode of “Gossip Girl”, because I’m not a junior high girl or a 39-year-old gay man, but I’ve seen a lot of pictures of the people on that show and it’s obvious to me that the wardrobe department hates them all.  Every last one of these fools is always dressed like a jackhole.  Just look at this butt ugly dress they’ve stuffed Blake Lively into.  She looks like Grey Gardens Barbie.

Blake clearly understands the best way to detract from a hideous outfit is to bring as much focus as possible onto your boobs: