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Beauty

Christina Aguilera Natural Makeup

Christina Aguilera has dropped nearly three dress sizes (see her before pic here), but it’s hard to notice it under the mounds of fake hair and layers of makeup and gradient body bronzing. She gets progressively darker the further down you go. Ombré is NOT a word that should ever be used to describe your spray tan.

Style

Kim Kardashian

I feel like every other post here lately is about Kim Kardashian, but dear God. How can I not. Just look at her. She’s practically reaching through the computer and slapping you across the cheek with a 97% spandex glove. That outfit is a direct affront to our honor. We can’t in good conscience let this sort of thing slide!

Kim Kardashian fat roll 8

I didn’t put this up yesterday because I was waiting for other people to call her fat first, because once everybody else is doing it, then it’s okay for you to do it, too. Remember, you don’t want to be the first one on the bandwagon, but you certainly don’t want to be the last one on, either. Otherwise you risk not looking cool. And that’s a life lesson you can take to the bank, kids!

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: peplum is hideous. Try a leather skirt sans the mysterious lump shroud here from DKNY.

Kim Kardashian fat roll 15Kim Kardashian fat roll 12Kim Kardashian fat roll 12Kim Kardashian fat roll 11Kim Kardashian fat roll 7Kim Kardashian fat roll 8Kim Kardashian fat roll 9Kim Kardashian fat roll 10Kim Kardashian fat roll 6Kim Kardashian fat roll 5Kim Kardashian fat roll 5Kim Kardashian fat roll 4Kim Kardashian fat roll 3Kim Kardashian fat roll 2Kim Kardashian fat roll 1

I had to look twice to make sure this wasn’t Papa Don’t Preach-era Madonna and Sally Struthers signing autographs in a Macy’s department store. For a second, I was pretty sure I’d been unwittingly thrust into an alternate universe fifteen years back in time. It took a lot of crying and spitting and pair of zip-tie restraints before anybody on the bus could convince me they were actually Jessica and Ashlee Simpson and it was still 2012.

Jess’ new shoe line has now ventured into unforgivable Courntey Stodden-territory, as evidenced by The Beckery and The Waleo.

Beauty

Lady Gaga will tell you all day how much she loves her “little monsters,” but when a legion of her fans turned up outside her hotel balcony in Rio yesterday, she carpet-bombed them with frozen vegetables and then took off her top. Pacific Coast News says:

Pop star Lady Gaga [hung] out on the balcony of her Brazilian hotel [and] giggled with friends as she tossed frozen vegetables at fans and emerged topless in a towel.

Bottom line, being pelted with frozen vegetables is still better than being subjected to her music. Even if it’s a zucchini or a squash, and those can really hurt.

Get a much more flattering bikini than Lady Gaga’s titty-squashing take on turquoise. How’s that for alliteration! And my parents said getting a Bachelor’s in English would never pay off!

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