It’s hard to mess up huge boobs, but that is definitely not Kelly Brook’s best angle. She looks like she should be lumbering out of the Limpopo to wallow in some lakeshore mud. And before you get your panties in a twist and start huffing about unrealistic body standards and the misogynistic patriarchal cultural conspiracy, I’m NOT calling her fat. I’m saying that particular angle makes her look fat. Geez. Way to ruin it for everybody. I see we’ve arrived at Bitter and Chunky Town, Population: YOU.

There’s a reason Chico’s and Coldwater Creek don’t sell string bikinis, people. See Exhibit A: Sharon Stone on the beach in Venice. Gross. Once you hit the half-a-decade mark, you have no business EVER showing your midsection in public. Put that shit under a caftan and stuff it in some support hose and a pair of orthopedic shoes where it belongs.

Shortly after announcing that Britney Spears had signed on to become a judge on X Factor, Fox revealed that former Disney star Demi Lovato would be joining her illustrious ranks as the fourth and final judge for the upcoming season. People magazine says:

Confirmation of their new roles was made Monday at the FOX upfronts in New York City.

“I’m so excited about this whole experience,” Spears, 30, said. “It’s going to be so much fun and so different from anything I’ve ever done. I’m ready to find a true star.”

“I am totally stoked to be here,” Lovato, 19, added. “I’m excited to represent my generation and I’m ready to find the winner.”

I think it’s clear why they went with Demi Lovato. The raw sex appeal. And I of course mean “raw” in the “inner thigh chafing” sense of the word. She’s about to Hulk right out of those pants she’s wearing.

Performing in Buenos Aires two weeks and 73 chalupas ago:

Christina Aguilera and her armpit fat performed on “The Voice” last night in what best I can figure is some sort of industrial-strength polymer girdle and a pair of platform boots that would make Lita Ford weep with delight. She looks like an if-they-mated Brooke Hogan and Snooki with premenstrual bloat.

It’s a sad state of affairs when someone wearing ruffled purple bloomers and a fanny pack is still not the worst-dressed person in the photo.

Kesha might wanna re-think those shorts. And the daily fourth meals at Taco Bell:

Welcome to nylon and spandex purgatory, or else this is part of some scared-straight program for wayward bikini fabrics. Either way, I’m done with cottage cheese for the next few weeks. Ugh.

Kim and Kourtney Kardashian in the Dominican Republic this weekend:

These pictures of a heavily pregnant and unpleasantly plump Jessica Simpson may be blurry, but let me explain. She’s so fat that she broke the fucking pixels. True story.

The rest of Lindsay Lohan’s interview aired this morning on the Today Show, and it’s just her regurgitating the same shit she always says after she gets busted and forcibly sober — it’s not my fault, I invested too heavily in my relationships, I’ll be at the Oscars in five years, etc., etc. She claims she’s through with dating for a while and planning to focus on her career. The good thing is she never has to worry about being lonely. She still has all those chins to keep her company.

Leaving her hotel in New York yesterday:

I don’t wanna alarm anyone, but there’s a good chance that Snooki and Kim Kardashian are actually the same person. The only way to know for sure is to kill one of them and see if the other one coincidentally dies of mysterious circumstances right after.

If Bigfoot falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? This is a perplexing question to consider as you watch Khloe Kardashian attempt to ride a sex swing she installed in her bedroom. Of course, I suppose that’s a moot question since she and her other God-forsaken sisters don’t take a shit without cameras rolling. Says Too Fab about the incident,

Khloe Kardashian is many things — wife, reality star, entrepreneur — but sex swing installation expert isn’t one of them.

During last night’s season premiere of “Khloe & Lamar,” the Kardashian sister decided it was time to spice things up with hubby Lamar Odom in the bedroom.

Instead of hiring someone to hook up a swing over her bed, Khloe decided to do it herself … with disastrous consequences.

Right as she and Lamar were about to put it to the test, the swing crashed down — with Khloe in it!

“I’m embarrassed and I’m trying to push the limits and do something new,” she said after. “But I’m not a handyman.”

So, she’s embarrassed to call a handyman, but not to tape herself in what should have been a private moment and air it on TV? Bitch, please.

Oh look, Kim K doing the only thing she’s good for: showing off her body in a bikini:

This is the best Demi Lovato’s looked since she got out of rehab and got all fat. I don’t know if it’s the angle or her position or what, but I’m inclined to believe I would in fact hit that. I know, I was just as surprised as you are.

At the Sheraton Hotel in Chile:

Sadly, the life jacket’s the most flattering thing Mischa Barton has on in this picture. Those shorts look like do-it-yourself bloomers made out of a gay sailor’s uniform.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures