You know those eighteen pounds Jennifer Love Hewitt supposedly lost last month? Well, it looks like she found them again. You know how that old saying goes — if you love something, set it free. If it comes back to your hips and thighs, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it’s probably because you never really lost it in the first place. Fatty.

Waddling through Toluca Lake August 23rd:

I know you’ll all be super disappointed, but Britney Spears won’t be performing at this year’s VMA’s, so you can put away the barf bags and take your therapist off speed-dial. It’ll be okay. New York Daily News reports,

Britney Spears is expected to make the MTV Video Music Awards - but she won’t be performing.

Her manager, Larry Rudolph, poured cold water Monday on a report that the troubled singer would try to erase memories of her disastrous performance at last year’s awards show by strutting her stuff at the Sept. 7 show.

“She did the promo for them, but there never were any plans for her to appear on the show,” a spokesman for Rudolph said.

The spokesman said it was “wishful thinking” when Britney’s hair colorist told E! News that he might be working on a look for her VMA performance.

I, for one, am devastated that Britney won’t be returning this year. I was really hoping for a show-stopping performance from her, something to top last year. I envision that it would involve an interpretive dance demonstrating the noble elephant’s mating ritual and birthing experience, while a soft rain of Cheeto dust coats her and the entire audience like a sprinkling of pixie dust, symbolizing her triumphant return to the heights of stardom. Trust me on this one, I saw it at the zoo recently and it really spoke to me. Okay fine, there was no Cheeto dust, and I really wasn’t supposed to be there. It was more like me hiding in the feeding trough and throwing peanuts at the happy couple, yelling, “Mate, Brtiney, mate!”. I’m not welcome there anymore.

The pachyderm herself:

In case you’re wondering who the behemoth in the picture is, it’s Pierce Brosnan’s wife Keely Shaye. A long time ago, she looked like this. Now she looks like she should be dodging harpoons and swallowing puppet-makers whole. I’m not sure if those are chins or just a stack of backup pancakes for emergencies. Either way, it’s probably best not to poke at ‘em. You wouldn’t want to lose a finger in the attack.

Alanis Morissette and about twenty extra pounds performed at the V Festival in Chelmsford over the weekend. Mmm, beefy! You know, if the whole “angry female rocker” bit doesn’t work out, she’d make a great spokeswoman for Canadian bacon. Cut from lean boneless pork loins, pickle-cured, and rolled in a golden cornmeal! Canadian bacon — feed that bitterness consumes you from the inside. Available shingle style, whole roast, chub roast, or pepper-coated!

46 year-old actress Meg Ryan put on 180 pounds for her new straight to video movie ‘My Mom’s Hot Boyfriend’ — literally. The Daily Mail says

The weight gain is only temporary as the actress’ [252 pound] transformation came courtesy of a very convincing fat suit. In the film, Meg eventually sheds the excess pounds and dates Hollywood heart-throb Antonio Banderas.

I can’t imagine any guy would ever want to know what you might look like 180 pounds heavier. That’s like asking him, “Would you like to see the placenta?” or “Do you want to talk about my sad feelings some more?” Besides, that’s what marriage is for.

The real (surprisingly hot) Megan Ryan in a bikini on the set:

Actress Eva Longoria is still denying that she’s pregnant, claiming her recent weight gain is just for her role on Desperate Housewives. *cough cough* LIAR! *cough* Her rep released the following statement to OK! Magazine:

“For the upcoming season [Eva's character] Gabrielle has “gained” weight and cut her hair. She is now a worn-out mother with two kids. Eva has enjoyed a more relaxed environment and will even be wearing butt pads and stomach pads.

If she’s going to be wearing butt pads and stomach pads, what exactly is the point of gaining the weight in the first place? It’d be like wearing a condom to jerk off or watching an episode of “The Hills” with the volume turned on. Serves no point whatsoever.

Uma Thurman was photographed slinging around a bloated belly while on a luxury cruise in Corsica last week, prompting the age-old Hollywood question: is the Amazonian actress pregnant, or just suffering from a protein deficiency that has resulted in a build up of peritoneal cavity fluid? The Daily Mail says

The actress revealed a rather pronounced tummy while frolicking aboard a yacht with her new fiancé Arpad ‘Arki’ Busson. While her expanded waistline is quite likely the result of a little lunch time indulgence, there’s no doubt it will set off whispers of a pregnancy for the 38-year-old.

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