Mariah Carey’s interview and performance on Britain’s “This Morning” started 90 minutes later than it was scheduled because she couldn’t be bothered to show up on time or decide which two-sizes-too-small dress to wear once she got there. The Daily Mail says

Mariah was due to arrive at 5 am but [didn't show up until] 6.

After finally arriving at the studios she delayed proceedings further by changing her mind over what outfit to wear.

["This Morning" host Philip] Schofield, who had earlier taken a picture of the star to upload to his Twitter page, was told by her publicity team that Mariah wanted to approve the picture first and banned the presenter from using it.

I really don’t know who these stars think they’re fooling by screening all their publicity photos. I mean really, does she honestly think we don’t know she’s a fatass? Does she think that by only signing off on photographs taken from her “good side” with her hand on her hips and her body twisted at a 45 degree angle and one foot in front of the other, we wouldn’t notice the extra thirty pounds around her midsection? Bitch, please. We’ve seen you in a swimsuit. Your knees look like goddamn Christmas hams and you could fit a fucking grapefruit in that trough of a belly button.

Unscreened pics of her filming a music video in L.A. earlier this month:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Rihanna had a busy night last night, performing at the Brixton Academy with Beyonce and Jay-Z before hitting up Nozomi for a little sushi, and then partying at Mahiki nightclub until 3am. And somewhere in the middle of all those comings and goings, she found time to make a replica of her lower torso entirely of chewed bubble gum and cottage cheese. I bet it’s a real conversation piece.

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

I just don’t get Britney Spears. From one angle, she looks terrific, and then from another angle, she looks like she has the arms of the Michelin Man and the gut of a retired linebacker. The only way this makes any sense is if she’s a shapeshifter or randomly experiencing bursts of increasing gravitational pull.

In Australia with the kiddies and boyfriend Jason Tratwick (more pics after the jump):

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

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Now here’s a costume that’s all trick and no treat! The trick of course being “an enormous shoehorn and two industrial-sized tubs of Crisco.” Mariah would have made a much more convincing Huttese crime lord or Outer Rim gas giant.

Cheesah beecha wonky Chewbacca:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News Online

Even MORE of Fatty Fatty Fat Fat after the jump!

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Mariah Carey went on Oprah last week to hawk her new crappy album, and of course she dragged along her little kiss-ass husband Nick Cannon on the stage so they could prove their love to the masses before his back gave out. The Daily Mail says

They shared an exaggerated smooch as Nick bent her over, before an uncomfortable looking Mariah stopped him, saying: ‘Don’t drop me!’

Hey, that picture reminds me of this joke I once heard: How fat is Mariah Carey? Mariah Carey’s so fat, she fell in love — and it broke. Ha ha! Of course, when I first heard the joke, it was actually about yo momma. Try not to take it so personally.

You know what? I get it. Megan Fox, you are gorgeous. Megan Fox, you are sexy. Megan Fox, you love having sex.  Megan Fox, you love to pretend like you’re that nerdy sexy girl that makes every all the guys wet their collective shorts. But Megan Fox, you really suck at false modesty. Don’t go pretending like you think you could possibly look fat. Us Magazine says,

Megan Fox promises she’ll never be involved in a sex tape scandal. Why? She’ll never make one.

“Ugh, never!” the Jennifer’s Body star, 23, tells MTV News. “That’s the last thing I want to see — what I look like having sex. It would take one shot of me not looking good and I would not be able to have sex ever again, because I would always just see myself looking like a hippo having sex.”

God, I hate her. She reminds me of those girls in high school who were so freakishly perfect, yet they needed constant reassurance that they were indeed perfect. Ugh. Stick a Twinkie in it, bitch.

Leaving Casa Del Mar Hotel in Santa Monica after a long press meeting, looking decidedly non-hippo-ish:

It should be a crime to be as sexy as Helena Bonham Carter in that swimming suit. No, seriously. The kind that lands you jail time and a public caning or something with stocks and a pillory and a Puritanical mob armed with overripe fruit. That shit’s just revolting.

Helena and the kiddies on Malibu Beach this past weekend:

PHOTO SOURCE: Splash News

When I saw these pictures of Mischa Barton arriving to the set of “The Beautiful Life,” my heart instantly leapt into my throat and choked me up. Ha ha, I’m kidding. It was really vomit. Everybody knows I don’t actually have a heart.

PHOTO SOURCE: Splash News Online

Good thing Jennifer Love Hewitt went with the stacked wedge heels while playing tennis yesterday. Sneakers would have just made her look fat.

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

I always thought only fat kids at summer camp wore their t-shirt when they went swimming. Apparently, international pop stars do it, too.

Beyoncé in Miami yesterday:

Here’s the cover of Mariah Carey’s new album “Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel.” Let me be the first to say “imperfect angel” my ass. More like fucking “imaginary angel.” I guess “The Memoirs of Back Fat and Pit Bacon” was just too authentic for studio execs.

Click the header image to see what the REAL Mariah looks like:

Katy Perry posted the above picture of herself naked with a tray of pizza on Twitter yesterday, along with a digitally altered fat picture and the comment

“Why is it that after not eating for three days all I can think of is food… food is smiling at me… luring me with sexual seduction.”

Who cares. All I want to know is where the hell she got that pizza. The lady at Domino’s just hung up on me when I asked for a deep dish cheese lover’s with sausage and extra boobies.