I was wondering what Margaret Cho was doing in such a stupid hat until I read the tags on the pics. Turns out that’s not Margaret Cho at all. It’s “American Idol” winner Kelly Clarkson. Who knew? Yeah, apparently she’s endorsing Republican candidate Ron Paul now. And also probably Hostess and Entenmann’s, respectively.

Putting on a free show for the Sugar Bowl FanJam in New Orleans on Sunday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

They say black is slimming. You know what else is black but isn’t slimming? If you were going to say, “Jessica Simpson in a pregnancy catsuit’, well yes, that’s true, but it wasn’t what I had in mind. I was thinking more along the lines of black hole. You know, a sucking vortex that squashes all matter with the crushing weight of its gravitational pull? So yeah, Jessica Simpson. Carry on.

Photo source: Fame Pictures

Here are some pics of Hall of Fame linebacker Lawrence Taylor in a bikini in Miami. Oh, wait… on second thought, that might actually be one of the Williams sisters. It’s hard to tell from that angle.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Children may have visions of sugar plums dancing in their heads, but the only vision I’ll be having after seeing Simon Cowell’s furry teats will be of choking on salty white chocolate Hersey’s Kisses rolled in fur.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Remember when Matthew Broderick was the epitome of authority-defying cool? It’s amazing what 25 years and being married to the witch from Hansel and Gretel will do to you. Now he looks a drool line short of riding the short bus and making crafts at adult day care.

Photo source: Fame Pictures

“Hairspray” star (um, okay) Nikki Blonsky was a trending topic last night after photos of her sweeping up hair at a salon in New York hit the interwebs. The Daily Mail says:

The actress is working at a salon in Long Island, where she does everything from applying make-up to sweeping the floor. ‘

But Nikki, who also appeared in Ugly Betty, has not given up on her dream of hitting the big time again.

‘I asked her if she was still acting and she said that she is auditioning a lot,’ [a customer in the salon said]. ‘But she needs a day job too.’

After feeling the flush of shame that accompanies pics of yourself pushing a broom around the equivalent of a Fantastic Sam’s, Nikki took to Twitter to let everybody know she hadn’t abandoned her hopes of making it big in Hollywood, tweeting:

Its true Im workin@ Superstar Salon as a makeup artist & more Im proud 2 b workin & helpin pay bills BUT ill NEVER loose sight of my dreams.

Just cause Im part time workin doesnt mean Im gonna give up on my dreams n dont give up on urs I might book something big soon keep positive

It’s astounding she can have so few movie role offers with the kinda range she has. For instance, she can play a fat white girl… but throw in a little bronzer and black wig and voila — she’s a fat Mexican girl! Make it braids and you’ve got yourself a fat Native American girl! You’d think directors would be chomping at the bit for a thespian with that broad a spectrum.

Being fat at something that’s probably about food; unfortunately, time did not permit me to find out any further details because (see thumbs 1-5 below):

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Jessica Simpson has made a point of making herself as repellant as possible of late, and last night’s FFaNY Awards at the Museum of Modern Art was no exception. The Daily Mail says:

The star says her glistening [pregnant] sheen is actually because she’s a little too hot.

‘People always say that pregnant women have a glow,’ she [said]. ‘And I say it’s because you’re sweating to death!”

That’s just what my mom used to tell me when she was pregnant — she was “glowing.” It wasn’t the DT sweats or anything. Whatever. I always knew that was a lie. Just like she wasn’t “blossoming,” either. I think I know a fart when I hear one.

On the red carpet (no, she’s not the red carpet, but I can see how you might be fooled):

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

After her 72-day marriage to Kris Humphries turned made her a complete laughingstock, Kim Kardashian sicced her “sources” on the tabloids in an attempt to convince the stupid twats that watch her show that she was the real victim in all this. Us Magazine says:

Kardashian’s hubby soaked up the perks of being married to one of the most successful reality stars ever — staying out late at clubs in NYC and L.A., and demanding free bottle service and more wherever he went.

Even worse? He could be downright cruel to Kardashian, 31. “He belittled her in front of people,” one insider [said]. “He’d call her stupid. It was truly sickening. He would say truly terrible things. One time, he said she had no talent and her fame wouldn’t last.”

He even took exception to her world-famous posterior, calling her “fat ass,” the source says.

Well she IS stupid and fat-assed and talentless and her fifteen minutes should have been over two years ago. It’s sad when Kris Humprhies is the smart one in your relationship

The 2011 American Music Awards were last night, and no, I didn’t watch them, and no, I’m not gonna look up who won what. Nobody cares about the fuckin’ AMA’s. It’s the music industry’s equivalent of the Dundee Awards. What I will talk about is how fat Christina Aguilera looked in that dress (watch the performance after the jump). Oh, honey. The Daily Mail says:

Christina Aguilera’s bandage dress was somewhat challenged as she appeared onstage last night… at the American Music Awards in Los Angeles.

The Voice star bulged out of her bandage-style silver dress while performing the smash hit single Moves Like Jagger with Maroon 5.

As she was raised onto the stage mid-song on a glittery silver podium, Christina looked significantly heavier than the size four she has claimed to be.

I have never before seen a woman who so seamlessly encapsulated both Anna Nicole Smith’s‘s refined sense of style and Tonya Harding’s stately elegance. All this time, science said it couldn’t be done. At least not without six hundred boxes of irradiated powdered donuts and a cattle prod.

More of Fatty Fatty Two-by-Four, plus some of Taylor Swift looking beautiful on the AMAs red carpet:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

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Miley Cyrus took to her Twitter yesterday to address her recent weight gain by posting a picture of an anorexic girl to shame her detractors for encouraging eating disorders by calling her fat. She tweeted:

By calling girls like me fat this is what you’re doing to other people. i love MYSELF & if you could say the same.

I don’t wanna be shaped like a girl I LOVE being shaped like a WOMAN & trust me ladies your man wont mind either

@ddlovato AMEN! I will destroy any one that ever calls you the F word. You have the SEXIIIESTTTT curvyyyy body! I LOVE IT! #werkthosecurves

I guess there’s solidarity in numbers for fat girls. They instinctively flock together like a herd of rhinoceroses. Except instead of the Serengeti plain, it’s in front of a mall Cinnabon.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

I’m pretty sure that what KeSha calls “fan mail,” you and I would call “cease and desist letters.” I didn’t think they could make an uglier version of Brooke Hogan, but by God, the bastards did it. Chances are good it’s probably sterile, though.

On her way to a Terry Richardson event:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

If Tina Yothers and Sally Struthers simultaneously fell into a pit of irradiated bronzer near a nuclear testing site, forever bonding their two bodies and the radioactive bronzer into one monstrous singularity, you’d have Christina Aguilera at The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim launch party last night. I’m pretty sure only The Incredible Hulk can kill it.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures