Prepare for the coming of the Antichrist — the Great Satan, Jr. is knocked up! Us Magazine says

Kourtney Kardashian is pregnant.

The E! reality star, 30, is not revealing the father’s identity or how far along she is… [and] refused to say if she and ex-boyfriend Scott Disick were back together.

“You’re going to have to see on the show,” she said, referring to her new reality show with sister Khloe, Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami, which debuts Sunday.

Oh, I have a hunch who the father is. He embodies all that is evil and will usher in a seven year reign of death and destruction at the dawning of the End of Days. Isn’t it obvious? I’m talking about my stepdad. You’re not the boss of me, Ted!

In Miami with Bigfoot in a sarong:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Since reconciling with Chris Brown in the days after her beating, Rihanna has in effect “gone missing.” She has not made contact with family or friends in the last two weeks, and her parents are growing increasingly worried and desperate to get in touch with her. Rihanna’s father told Us Weekly

I can’t get to her. Her mother can’t get on to her, her brother told me she changed her email. Somebody has a stranglehold on her. I’ll text the old numbers she had, and I call them. One girl answered, and she said, “This is not Robyn’s number anymore.” I asked, “Do you work for Robyn? Do you deal with Robyn?” And the girl hung up, so I don’t know what’s going on anymore. I’m lost.

[In her last text to me] she said, “Daddy, I miss you.” And that’s it. And I could not reply. I saw a number and texted back, “I miss you too.” And I didn’t get another reply from her.

This sounds an awful lot like when Katie Holmes inexplicably went missing in the weeks before she married Tom Cruise. Maybe Chris Brown isn’t just a woman-beater, but also a closet Scientologist. A Misogynist Scientologist, if you will. Statistics indicate that even “Pedophile Kitten-Rapists” and “Birthing Porn Necrophiliacs” are viewed as less repugnant.

Happier times performing in Milan before the beating: