With her sophomore album “Fearless” just a week away from release, rumors that country singer Taylor Swift is pregnant are now mysteriously burning up the internet. But let’s stop and think about this here. In order to get pregnant “a,” you have to first have sex “b,” agreed? Okay. And to have sex, you need someone with balls and a penis, “c.” Now, until one month ago, Taylor Swift was dating Joe Jonas of the Jonas Brothers, “d,” in which case Jonas Brothers “d” plus balls and penis “c” plus sex “b” should equal pregnant “a.” But it doesn’t.

Why not?

Because the Jonas Brothers “d” is what is known as the additive inverse of balls and penis “c,” defined under the binary operation of addition where given x, there exists x’ such that x + x’ (= x’ + x) = o, which really is just the mathematical way of saying “no way the Jonas Brothers have anything other than big ol’ meaty vaginas.” And sorry, but you just can’t argue with math! That’s why I legally changed my name to “5! {√x}.” Let’s see you try and sentence me now, Judge Smartypants! Five Factorial Domain of the Square Root of X cannot be stopped!

At Nashville’s Ryman Auditorium for the CMT Giants last Thursday: