Paris Hilton plead guilty to misdemeanor drug possession today in order to avoid jail time stemming from her August arrest in Las Vegas. According to TMZ:

In exchange she must pay $2,000 in fines, complete 200 hours of community service and complete an “intensive” substance abuse program. She will also be on probation for one year.

The judge informed Paris that she has been given a one year suspended sentence — which means if she is arrested for anything other than a minor traffic violation, she will spend 1 year behind bars.

I thought Lady Justice was supposed to carry a sword. Apparently if you’re a celebrity, it’s really more of a rubber dildo. And she’s not so much wielding it as she is shoving it in her own ass and crying.

Randy Quaid and his wife are once again in trouble with the law — this time for felony burglary after they set up shop in a home they once owned fifteen years ago. Operative words being “once owned.” As in, “not anymore.” The Daily Mail says:

The property owner called Santa Barbara County sheriff’s deputies yesterday afternoon to report that squatters had been staying in the guest house illegally.

When deputies arrived, they found Randy and Evi Quaid, who said they had owned the property since the Nineties.

The property owner provided documents that showed [he] had bought the home in 2007 from a man who had purchased it from the Quaids years earlier.

Police arrested the Quaids on charges of felony residential burglary and entering a non-commercial building without consent.

Police also charged Evi Quaid, 47, with resisting arrest.

And it seems Captain Insano and company did some serious damage to place while they were at it. According to TMZ:

The gate codes had been changed, security cameras had all been moved to face up, and Randy had carved his initials in the mailbox.

[There] were dirty dishes in the sink, footprints everywhere and clothes that didn’t belong to the owner hanging in the closet.

They [also] broke a $7,000 mirror that had been over the fireplace and replaced it with a photo of themselves.

That new owner might have his “legal paperwork” and his “tax records,” but those aren’t his initials carved out there on his mailbox. They’re Randy’s. And whether it’s actually his home or not, it’s been my experience that people don’t even want their stuff back once you’ve hacked your name into it. Or swabbed it with your own feces, for that matter. It’s called marking your territory and tigers do it all the time! Sure cuts down on closing costs and agent fees.

Paris Hilton is now staring down the barrel of one to four years in jail for felony possession of a controlled substance after being busted with cocaine last week. The District Attorney made it clear he was not interested in plea bargaining and wasted no time filing a case against her, setting her arraignment for October 27, apparently unfazed by her airtight alibi or her slew of star witnesses. Like Paris’ hair stylist (the gay poor man’s Fabio), who has come forward to testify that she did not “have time” for cocaine. A common lament among would-be drug users. If only there were more hours in the day! Radar Online says:

Paris Hilton’s hair stylist Michael Boychuck [says] that Hilton “wants everyone to know she does not do drugs and does not have time for that.

The cocaine they found did not belong to her. She would never do drugs or anything else for that matter to destroy what she’s worked so hard for.

I’ve known Paris for 18 years and can honestly say I’ve never seen her use drugs,” Boychuck continued.

I don’t think the lispy testimony of a celebrity hair stylist is gonna cut it. This is Vegas, not L.A. They don’t cotton to that “but I’m famous!” shit in Nevada. They might tell you “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” on the commercials, but they neglect to mention that staying might actually be in a 8 x 10 holding cell.

Though there are yet to be any named sources, it does seem pretty clear at this point that Rihanna was indeed the victim of the beating for which Chris Brown was arrested Sunday evening and charged with felony domestic assault.  Plenty of details are now emerging, but they have yet to be confirmed by clearly identified sources.

TMZ listed a vague cite of “law enforcement sources” in their report on the extent of Rihanna’s injuries:

Law enforcement sources have now gotten specific with us… police took pictures of Rihanna’s injuries and they are “horrific.”

As we reported, the photos show major contusions on both sides of the singer’s face — there is serious swelling and bruising. Her lip is split and her nose bloody. We have now confirmed there are bite marks on one of her arms and on several fingers.

And we now know this… Rihanna claims Brown struck her with his fists and that’s what did the damage. There was no object used in the alleged attack.

Rihanna refused treatment at the scene, but before she left cops took photos. We’re told the photos alone are “devastating proof of abuse.”

And we’ve learned it was not Rihanna who called 911. Someone in the area heard her screams and called.

The NY Daily News cited an equally vague “police source” describing Rihanna’s cooperation with the LAPD:

Rihanna is providing “ongoing” cooperation with detectives, who are building a domestic violence case against Brown, a police source told the Los Angeles Times.

A key to the case could be a witness in Los Angeles’ affluent Hancock Park neighborhood who called 911.

Brown, 19, and Rihanna, 20, started fighting inside his car, got out and continued arguing on a block of million-dollar homes.

“The screaming woke up my neighbors, but I slept through it,” said Leslie Erika Klein, 62, who lives on the block. “My son saw them tow away the silver Lamborghini.”

“I hope she’s okay,” Klein added. “It’s a shame.”

Okay, look… I’m not quite sure how to put this without accidentally insinuating something, which is not my intention at all.  I am not remotely alleging that this incident didn’t happen; I would merely like to point out that it took place just two days ago and thus far, the single identified source is an old lady who slept through the disturbance and says that her son told her he saw a car get towed away.  The only described witness (the person who called 911) has yet to be named.

Basically, while the interwebs are all a-flutter with scuttlebutt, I just want to be the boring one who reminds you that these details are still just rumours until confirmed by someone — anyone at all, really — directly connected in any way with the events in question.

Rihanna at Saturday’s Grammy Salute to Industry Icons, before the incident:

Ahoy, mateys!  It’s Sarah.  Since it’s Fleet Week and Abby’s off supporting the troops, I’ll be conducting this crazy train for the week.  It should be fun for everyone, especially since I was so hungover yesterday that I think I broke my immune system and now I have what I suspect might be a viral cocktail of Swine flu and Ebola.  All aboard!

Speaking of swine, Chris Brown was arrested last night.  He turned himself into the LAPD at 7:15pm after fleeing the scene of an “altercation” around 12:30am Sunday morning after the pre-Grammy gala honouring Clive Davis.  Brown was booked on felony battery charges, released on $50,000 bond and issued a court date for March 5th.  Police are not identifying the victim, but witnesses say she’s Brown’s girlfriend Rihanna.  Brown and Rihanna were both scheduled to appear at last night’s Grammys, and both called in sick at the last minute.  From the NY Daily News:

R&B singer Chris Brown was arrested Sunday night by Los Angeles cops for allegedly beating up a woman, and insiders identified the victim as his superstar girlfriend Rihanna.

Sources said Brown beat sexy singer Rihanna, 20, after they fought in his car following a pre-Grammys party.

“She got out of the car to walk home. He got out to stop her,” said a source. “Things got physical. He hit her, possibly more than once. She had multiple bruises.”

A security guard at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles told the Daily News Sunday night that he saw Rihanna being taken for treatment at the hospital.

“She’s been released,” said guard Rodderick Brown.

The “Umbrella” singer and Chris Brown, 19, were both scheduled to perform at the Grammys, but pulled out at the last minute.

The Los Angeles Police Department would not identify the woman who was attacked, citing confidentiality.

With all these unidentified sources, I’d take the victim’s rumoured identity with a grain of salt.  Also, consider that the NY Daily News might be out of their goddamn minds because Chris Brown looks like he has some combination of Hydrocephaly and Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, but at one point in that story they called him “sweet-faced”.  I mean, seriously.  Sweet-faced compared to what?  The unholy offspring of Mike Tyson and Rocky from Mask?

Chris Brown and Rihanna at Saturday night’s Grammy Salute to Industry Icons, before the incident (they arrived separately, but left together):