The Atlanta stripper who claimed to have had a one-night stand with a very-married Josh Duhamel didn’t just pass a lie-detector test last week — turns out she is also in possession of several racy texts sent from the Transformers star himself that categorically corroborate the alleged affair. It also helps that Josh went around the set of his new movie blathering about it to anyone who’d listen. Us Magazine says

Nicole Forrester didn’t seek out the the National Enquirer in hopes of a payday.

“Josh bragged about what happened on the set of his movie [Life As We Know It], and someone called the Enquirer with the tip,” [Forrester's lawyer said]. “The Enquirer then came to Nicole.”

Various women across the country have now come forth to claim their own dubious sexcapades with Duhamel, 34.

On Oct. 30, a woman named Serena called in [to a San Francisco radio station] to say that while the then-engaged actor was filming the Transformers sequel at a New Mexico Air Force base in 2008, he slept with her best friend who was stationed there.

I think the lie-detector test and the texts pretty well seal the deal. The only way that stripper could be more convincing is if she also had a signed and dated photo of the actor which read “I put my wiener inside you and moved it in and out, Love Josh Duhamel.” And with his stellar track record for subterfuge, I wouldn’t necessarily rule that possibility out yet. Remember, celebrities are notoriously fucking stupid. It’s the only reason I have a job.

Speaking of stupid celebrities, Lady Gaga in SoHo in a bra and g-string and lace table cloth:

^{PHOTO SOURCE: Radar Online}

Only ten months after getting married, Josh Duhamel has been accused of cheating on wife Fergie with some second-rate stripper he met in Georgie. Radar Online says

Duhamel, 36, met stripper Nicole Forrester in early October at an all-nude club in Atlanta called Tattletales Lounge, where she performs under the name “Delilah.”

Forrester says Josh first identified himself as “JD”, and said [she] performed a nude dance for him and a male friend.

[Forrester and Duhamel] later exchanged phone numbers, and on October 9th, he called her and invited her to his $820-a night room at the St. Regis hotel, which led to sex, she says.

Forester passed a rigorous polygraph. Duhamel denies the report emphatically.

I don’t know about you, but I, for one, believe her. She’s about as convincingly female as he is convincingly heterosexual. That is, she looks like Carmela Soprano on roids and he looks like he should be walking a hairless Philippino on a pink leash through the streets of San Francisco.

Fergie forgetting she’s not supposed to have a penis and Josh playing prison bitch:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

After only six months of marriage, Fergie and husband Josh Duhamel are reportedly on the rocks. Nine MSN says

The tanned pair “are clashing night and day, and they’re desperately trying to get a handle on their problems,” [said] a friend.

“Apparently Josh wants to start a family, but Fergie’s not ready to give up her rock n’ roll lifestyle.”

Hmm… “rock ‘n roll lifestyle” must actually be code for “wiener.” And from what I remember from health class, it’s hard to make a baby with four testicles between the two of you. I’m pretty sure you need a fallopian tube or an ovum somewhere in the mix.

Doing a shoot with the Black-Eyed Peas:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

I don’t know what it is with celebrities and their stupid-ass sunglasses. Fergie’s shades probably cost nine hundred dollars, but it looks like someone shoved one of those plastic eye shields they give you after you get your eyes dilated into a pair of old frames with the lenses popped out. If she’s going to go with the whole chola look, she should have gone with a pair stolen from the mall with the price tag still attached. Those just look stupid with that conjunto.

They say “bald is beautiful.” Too bad nobody told Fergie they were fucking lying.

Newly-married Fergie showed off a darker ‘do in Manhattan over the weekend, and of course, I totally hate it. But I don’t know why I hate it. Do I hate it because it’s Fergie, or do I hate it because it’s a really shitty dye job? It brings to mind the old “tastes great”/”less filling” Miller Lite quandry of Super Bowls past. Fortunately, all my clothes are tear-away and I keep a bottle of baby oil in my purse for just such emergencies. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go ask those girls in HR what they think now. Rowr!

Now that Fergie’s all done with her honeymoon, she’s back to doing what she does best. No, not pissing her pants — performing, silly! The Daily Mail says

The Black Eyed Peas singer got to grips with a female dancer at a charity concert in Barbados. As her proud husband Josh watched from the front of the stage, Fergie writhed with the scantily-clad dancer… in a bottom-grazing Aztec print dress and thigh-high boots.

The only way you could possibly consider these pictures sexy is if you were an American business man in Thailand who had requested “full contact she-male wrestling.” Pervert.

Notorious pants-pisser Fergie married long-time boyfriend Josh Duhamel in a “white fantasy wedding” over the weekend. According to People Magazine

The Black Eyed Peas singer, 33, and the actor, 36, tied the knot at the Church Estates Vineyards in Malibu [on Saturday]. Fergie carried a bouquet of white flowers studded with crystals as the couple exchanged H. Stern rings engraved with personal messages. Ten bridesmaids were dressed in contrasting black.

The bride, escorted by her father and given in marriage by her parents, is the granddaughter of the late Mr. and Mrs. I. P. Freely and the late Mr. and Mrs. I. C. A. Pisstain. The bride wore a white silk Dolce and Gabbana gown, Van Cleef & Arpel jewels, and Depends belted shields with button straps. Depends^TM — because nothing should put a “damper” on your special day!

Heading for their honeymoon:

Pants-pisser Fergie raised eyebrows at the Glamour Women Of The Year Awards earlier this week when she debuted a new tubbier physique. According to the The Daily Mail

The 33-year-old [has] gained 13 pounds to play a prostitute named Saraghina in the upcoming movie musical Nine. She said, ‘I was actually told to gain weight for the film so… I’ve been eating chips, fried food, everything I usually avoid.’ Fergie [claims] most of the weight has gone to her breasts instead of her backside.

“Breasts?” Is that what the young people are calling it these days? In my day, we called it “bingo wings” and “Godfather jowls.” Kids and their crazy lingo!

Beauty and the Beast:

I was up late last night drinking thinking, as I often do, and I got to wondering — how do I know that I’m not a computer? I mean, really know? The thing is — I don’t. But I figure if my existence were pieced together from a domain of ones and zeros, there’d at least be a way for me to edit out the wide-eyed seven year olds cowering in front of stage while Fergie skanked it up on the Today Show yesterday. The only time she even gets up off the floor is when she pulls herself to her knees to simulate oral sex on the guitar player. She could have finished up with R. Kelly hosing down the little girls in the front row and Roman Polanski tossing out handfuls of jelly-bean covered quaaludes and it still would have been a less offensive performance.

I’ve never been a huge fan of horse racing, but this news from last week’s Kentucky Derby was too tragic to dismiss. It seems the race’s second-placing horse had to be put down as soon as she crossed the finish line. USA Today says

Trying to become the first filly to win the Derby since 1988, Eight Belles finished second to Big Brown. Shortly after crossing the finish line she broke both ankles and had to be destroyed.

Even more disturbing are the pictures of the poor horse breaking her ankle right before her untimely death. Who in their right mind puts a horse in four-inch heels? Sparkly ones at that? Given the choice, your average equine would probably choose a nice satin flat for themselves, but nooo. The owner must have had something “sexier” in mind. I hope you’re happy, Larry Jones, you heartless bastard. You disgust me.

One more closeup of Eight Belle’s injury and bunions after the jump

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Fergie was photographed with what looks to be a definite baby bump outside a sushi restaurant in Santa Monica on Tuesday. Since everybody in Hollywood is getting knocked up these days, she probably is actually pregnant. I don’t really give two shits about that. What I care about is what she’ll be giving birth to. Thoughts? I’m guessing either a Yeti with or one of those fabled Mexican goat-suckers that eats chickens. Whatever it is, I think we can all agree it’s going to smell like pee. Passing through that birth canal would be like swimming through a damn toilet at a keg party.