It reportedly took “Zombieland’s” Amber Heard four months of daily exercise and a strict no-carb diet to drop 25 pounds for her role in the CW’s “Hidden Palms.” Whereas it only took me two weeks to drop 25 pounds, thanks to my staunch commitment to “The 3 M’s” — Meth, Mountain Dew and Marlboro Lights. You won’t find a trimmer physique in all of Rusty Acres Trailer Park!

Those “water goddess” pictures of Kim Kardashian I put up earlier this week were actually part of her shoot for next month’s South African FHM. Because really, with all the HIV, gang rape, and rampant murder, why wouldn’t you want to do a bikini shoot in South Africa? For authenticity’s sake, though, they should have included a few shots of a farmer getting stabbed in the neck and maybe a school girl or two being jackrolled in the background. These just smack of American opulence.

Being forcibly removed from your home because you’re intent on killing yourself just isn’t the page turner it used to be. Just ask Mischa Barton! According to Page Six

A high-level magazine editor tells us Mischa’s publicist was pushing hard for his recently hospitalized client to land the cover on one of the celebrity weeklies. She didn’t. “As sad as Mischa’s recent problems are, what seems to be upsetting her representatives even more is that no one really cares,” said the editor.

It seems like nobody cares because no one does care. People would rather read about Robert Pattinson’s choice of hemorrhoid ointment than read about Mischa Barton’s goddamn sad feelings. At least Britney Spears had the good sense to shave herself bald and hold a minor hostage when she got dragged off to the looney bin.

Paris Hilton in FHM because even SHE is more interesting that Mischa Barton:

The Google tells me that Diora Baird plays one of those green-skinned alien chicks in the unbelievably moronic looking new Star Trek movie from J.J. Abrams.  My sixth sense tells me that you guys will probably be much more interested in her apperance in the June ‘09 issue of FHM.

The cover of next month’s issue of FHM Magazine says that Victoria’s Secret model Miranda Kerr wants to let you in on a “sexy secret.” I think it’s just that she’s topless, but still — I’d be wary if I were you. You never know. The last time someone told me they had a sexy secret, I wound up having to take penicillin for a week. Trust me, the sexy secret wasn’t nearly as much fun as it sounded.