In news that barely even qualifies as news, former “Friends” star David Schwimmer got engaged to girlfriend Zoe Buckman over the weekend. Zzzzz Us Magazine zzzz…

The actor, 43, and his photographer girlfriend of three years, 24, reportedly met in London while Schwimmer was in town directing the 2007 comedy Run Fatboy Run.

It is the first marriage for Buckman and Schwimmer, who rose to fame as paleontologist Ross Gellar, the boyfriend of Jennifer Aniston’s character on the 90s NBC sitcom Friends.

If you haven’t already blown your brains out from sheer boredom, then keep reading: Disney’s “Sonny With a Chance” star Demi Lovato confirmed she is dating Joe Jonas in an interview with Access Hollywood on Friday. Squeal! Us Magazine says

Having long denied rumors of a romance with her Camp Rock costar, Lovato finally opened up, calling Jonas, 20, her “best friend.”

“So you guys went from boyfriend-girlfriend to best friends?” Billy Bush asked.

“No, kind of the opposite,” Lovato said.

“Oh? So you’re dating him now?” the host asked.

“Umm, yeah he is my best friend and he is incredible,” the singer/actress.

I am sure there are a bunch of thirty-something women weeping bitterly into their chocolate iced donuts this morning because Ross is marrying someone other than Rachel; and conversely, I’m sure there are a lot of middle-aged gay men weeping tears of joy, because there’s still a good chance they’ll get to bareback Joe Jonas now that he has his Disney-sanctioned beard. It’s kinda like “A Tale of Two Cities” — the best of times, the worst of times — but set modern time L.A. instead of late eighteenth century London and Paris. Also, no one gets beheaded. Sorry about that.

Joe and Demi on their way to church this weekend; Ross with his new fiancee at the “Madagascar 2″ premiere a year ago:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer Griffin Online, Pacific Coast News

Casey Johnson, heiress to the Johnson & Johnson fortune and “fiancée” of Tila Tequila, was found dead in her LA home at age 30.  From People:

[Johnson's] death was announced by Tequila on her Twitter page and confirmed by police.

“Everyone please pray 4 my Wifey Casey Johnson,” Tequila wrote. “She has passed away. Thank u for all ur love and support but I will be offline to be w/ family.”‘

Los Angeles police and firefighters were called to a house at 11:51 a.m. Monday. Johnson was pronounced dead at the scene.

“It appears to be a natural death,” says police Officer Sara Faden. “There’s no evidence of foul play. A toxicology report from the coroner’s office will proceed next.”

Johnson, who leaves a toddler daughter Ava whom she had adopted, was the great-great granddaughter of the founder of the pharmaceutical giant, and the daughter of New York Jets owner Robert Wood Johnson.

An openly gay socialite, Johnson had a knack for attracting paparazzi – and trouble. A nasty fight with ex-girlfriend Courtenay Semel, daughter of former Yahoo chief Terry Semel, reportedly resulted in Johnson’s hair catching on fire last October. Then in November, she was arrested for allegedly breaking into another former girlfriend’s house.

Meh, who cares?  Yeah, I know that’s cruel and inhumane and whatnot, but I’m an asshole so that shouldn’t surprise you.  Seriously, does anyone actually CARE that this chick died?  She’s like a less-famous version of Paris Hilton, and people would only care if Paris died in the sense that they would want to plan a party to celebrate the occasion.

Anyway, there’s lots of speculation about prescription drugs being the cause of death, but I’m betting what actually happened is that Casey Johnson somehow realised she was engaged to Tila goddamn Tequila, and she died of shame on the spot.  I don’t know if “shame” shows up in an autopsy, though, so this mystery may never be solved.

Kevin Jonas of the Jonas Brothers is engaged! Yeah, I don’t give a rat’s ass, either. People Magazine says

Kevin Jonas, 21, surprised his girlfriend Danielle Deleasa, 22, by showing up at her doorstep early Wednesday morning, dropping down to his knee [and presenting her] with a cushion-cut diamond ring that [he] designed.

Deleasa, a former hairdresser, first met Jonas two years ago [while vacationing with her family in the Bahamas]. It was Kevin who eagerly pursued her after… spotting her walking on the beach with a flower in her hair.

It might sound romantic from here, but the reality is he’s barely old enough to drink and still a goddamn virgin. The only way this marriage could be more destined for failure is if his incontinent grandmother moved in with them and Danielle developed an allergy to unibrows.