Cops were called to Paris Hilton’s house late Tuesday night after she got into a drunken shoving match with boyfriend Doug Reinhardt in the middle of her driveway. But of course, Paris is claiming it was all just a misunderstanding on the part of the LAPD. She told TMZ

“Doug and I were in bed, sound asleep, when Doug’s houseguests from hell got into an argument. We had nothing to do with it. Doug told the LAPD that his guests’ fight was over and that we had nothing to do with it.”

Except that’s not how the neighbors remember it, because it’s not what actually happened:

A neighbor [witnessed] Paris in her driveway screaming at Doug and watched as the two engaged in a mutual shoving match. And then there’s the LAPD, who tells us after arriving they actually made Paris get out of bed so they could check for injuries.

Well, she’s clearly lying. Cops don’t usually frisk you for something someone else did. Unless you’re a black man driving an expensive car, in which case it really goes without saying.

Launching her new hair tool “The Celebrity Styler” with sister Nicky:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Girls Gone Wild douchebag Joe Francis “punched and kicked” Playboy’s 2008 Playmate of the Year Jayde Nicole in an assault at an L.A. nightclub last night. TMZ says

According to [Jayde's boyfriend Brody] Jenner, he and Jayde were at the club celebrating his birthday, when Jayde saw Francis hitting on an ex-girlfriend of his (Francis’), Jenner says “unrelentingly.” Jayde felt he was harassing the woman — whom Jayde and Brody know — and she threw a drink on Francis.

Jenner says Francis then pulled Jayde’s hair, punched her in the face and threw her to the ground and began kicking her. Security broke it up and Francis got dragged away — Brody followed.

Jenner then saw Joe, punched him in the face, and then someone tased him and he fell to the ground. Francis left the scene.

Jayde [says] she will press charges against Francis. Jayde has a black and blue cheek, her face is swollen, she has a bruised left rib and her lower abdomen is sore. Some of her hair also got pulled out.

Wow. Just… wow. Give me a moment to collect my thoughts here. I might need to pace around with my fingers interlocked behind my head. I mean, are we talking about Joe Francis here? The same Joe Francis of Girls Gone Wild? Because that Joe Francis is always such a class act. Really, he’s never shown any indication that he has anything other than the utmost respect and admiration for women. This is all just coming straight out of left field.

Old NSFW Playboy pics:

Tennis star Anna Kournikova ended up with cuts on her neck after getting into a cat fight at a nightclub in Vegas over the weekend. According to People Magazine

Kournikova and her assistant were sitting at a VIP table when the other woman bumped them. They pushed each other but were separated – until the woman “came back over and threw a drink on [her] and her assistant,” a source said.

Then she and the woman started shoving and pushing each other. The other woman grabbed Kournikova by the neck and pushed her into a wall before security broke them apart.

So Anna Kournikova thought she was hot shit and wound up getting her ass handed to her. Just like she does on the tennis court! How deliciously apropos.

In Maxim:

You’d think after seven seasons of “24″ everyone would know by now that you just don’t fuck with Jack Bauer. Period. But a prissy little Proenza Schouler designer chose his own fate when he refused to apologize to Brooke Shields after knocking her to the ground in front of JackBauer Kiefer Sutherland Monday night. According to TMZ

It happened at an after-party for the Met costume gala last night. Witnesses say the alleged victim — Proenza Schouler designer Jack McCollough — allegedly knocked Brooke Shields over and Kiefer saw it happen. The witnesses say Kiefer went over to the man and told him to apologize to her. At that point they say McCollough pushed Kiefer and the actor responded with a headbutt.

In a world rife with politically correct metrosexuals, it’s absolutely panty-moistening to see a man’s man step up in defense of a woman’s honor. And they say chivalry is dead! Apparently they’ve never heard of Jack Bauer.

With his girlfriend pre-headbutt at the Costume Gala:

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Lindsay Lohan had a pretty low-key weekend, first having a warrant issued for her arrest for violating her probation on Friday, then partying until four in the morning and fucking a famous octogenarian on Saturday, and finally coming home Sunday morning to destroy property during a lovers’ quarrels with girlfriend Samantha Ronson. People Magazine says of Friday’s events:

Lindsay Lohan’s attorney says [the arrest warrant] stemming from [Lindsay's] 2007 DUI conviction was “born out of a misunderstanding which I am confident I can clear up next week.”

And of Saturday:

Lohan’s latest legal woe followed a night of partying that included a bizarre late-night visit to the Hollywood home of actor Jack Nicholson. Around 1:45 a.m., Lohan showed up outside actor Nicholson’s house on Mulholland Drive. The group was eventually let in, and Lohan remained inside until a bodyguard picked her up about 4:30 a.m.

And of Sunday:

Lohan’s bodyguard then brought her to Sam Ronson’s house, where Ronson showed up at around 11:30 a.m. Later in the day, a loud disturbance was heard at the house, including the breaking [of a] window. Police cars arrived at the house shortly afterward.

The only true crime in all this is whatever the hell Lindsay did to her lips. Either Sam Ronson punched her square in the mouth during the fight, or Lindsday Loan got an upper lip full of Juvederm. Or maybe eating Sam Ronson’s puss is the equivalent of locking lips with a car battery. How the hell should I know. What am I, psychic?

All may not be well in Brangelinaland — Angelina reportedly caught Brad dallying with the help late last week. According to Star Magazine

Brad was on the bed, rubbing the back of a pretty young nanny! Angie got so mad she slapped Brad and fired the girl on the spot!

“She completely flipped out,” says the insider. “She got right in Brad’s face, screaming at the top of her lungs, and told the nanny to get out of her house and never come back!”

The explosive argument woke up the sleeping twins, who began to cry. As Brad tried to console both the twins and the nanny, Angie just snapped — and slapped! — hitting him right across the face.

“He was stunned,” reveals the insider.

What makes this all the more shameful is that Angie reportedly used Brad’s own ballsack to slap him in the face. “Keeping his nuts on my person with his spine and what’s left of his free will really comes in handy during an argument,” she’s quoted as saying. I’d have to agree with her there. In my own personal experience, nothing stings quite like a scrotum to the face. But I’m afraid that’s a story for another day!

Angie filming “Salt” in D.C.:

Ahoy, mateys!  It’s Sarah.  Since it’s Fleet Week and Abby’s off supporting the troops, I’ll be conducting this crazy train for the week.  It should be fun for everyone, especially since I was so hungover yesterday that I think I broke my immune system and now I have what I suspect might be a viral cocktail of Swine flu and Ebola.  All aboard!

Speaking of swine, Chris Brown was arrested last night.  He turned himself into the LAPD at 7:15pm after fleeing the scene of an “altercation” around 12:30am Sunday morning after the pre-Grammy gala honouring Clive Davis.  Brown was booked on felony battery charges, released on $50,000 bond and issued a court date for March 5th.  Police are not identifying the victim, but witnesses say she’s Brown’s girlfriend Rihanna.  Brown and Rihanna were both scheduled to appear at last night’s Grammys, and both called in sick at the last minute.  From the NY Daily News:

R&B singer Chris Brown was arrested Sunday night by Los Angeles cops for allegedly beating up a woman, and insiders identified the victim as his superstar girlfriend Rihanna.

Sources said Brown beat sexy singer Rihanna, 20, after they fought in his car following a pre-Grammys party.

“She got out of the car to walk home. He got out to stop her,” said a source. “Things got physical. He hit her, possibly more than once. She had multiple bruises.”

A security guard at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles told the Daily News Sunday night that he saw Rihanna being taken for treatment at the hospital.

“She’s been released,” said guard Rodderick Brown.

The “Umbrella” singer and Chris Brown, 19, were both scheduled to perform at the Grammys, but pulled out at the last minute.

The Los Angeles Police Department would not identify the woman who was attacked, citing confidentiality.

With all these unidentified sources, I’d take the victim’s rumoured identity with a grain of salt.  Also, consider that the NY Daily News might be out of their goddamn minds because Chris Brown looks like he has some combination of Hydrocephaly and Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, but at one point in that story they called him “sweet-faced”.  I mean, seriously.  Sweet-faced compared to what?  The unholy offspring of Mike Tyson and Rocky from Mask?

Chris Brown and Rihanna at Saturday night’s Grammy Salute to Industry Icons, before the incident (they arrived separately, but left together):

It seems that legendary jazz singer Etta James is ready to kick Beyonce’s ass for covering her famous song “At Last” at Barack Obama’s inauguration last month. TMZ says

71-year-old Etta James actually threatened to beat the crap out of Beyonce Knowles — and it’s caught all on tape!

At a concert in Seattle, Etta told the crowd, “Your President, the one with the big ears … he had that woman singing my song. She gone get her ass whipped. The great Beyonce … I can’t stand Beyonce.”

I’d be careful about threatening Beyonce if I were her. Beyonce’s back to her playing weight now, and Etta James looks like she was constructed entirely from old turkey necks. I wouldn’t be surprised if Beyonce dipped her ass in blue cheese and then gobbled her down like a damn buffalo wing. No, sir. You never underestimate the fat girl when there’s poultry around.

Click here to listen for yourself.

More rumors of lesbian discord between Lindsay Lohan and girlfriend Samantha Ronson, this time at ESPN The Magazine’s Pre-Super Bowl party last Friday. Fox News says

An angry-looking Lindsay hung out near Sam’s D.J. booth chain-smoking until the early hours while shooting her dirty looks. According to an insider, Lohan continued to grab Ronson’s Blackberry obsessively and check her messages before an inevitable feud broke out. The two later headed to the ladies’ to “sort it out” and came out smiling.

“Sort it out,” or “snort it out?” I think we all know the answer to that one. Besides, there was already a pretty good chance she’d been drinking:

While the [party goers] all enjoyed shots of Patron, the “reformed” rehabber made a public display of only drinking Red Bull, although… a secret stash of liquor was later found underneath Lilo’s table.

Well, to be fair, we can’t just assume she was drinking because someone discovered a bottle of booze under the table. For all we know, she might have been using the bottle neck to fuck herself under the table. It is Lindsay Lohan we’re talking about here. We all know how angry her puss gets when it goes more than ten minutes without something inside it. Ho-han horny! Ho-han smash! We should really just give her the benefit of the doubt here.

Arriving in L.A. with Samantha, after telling people “she would die” if she had to fly coach:

It’s a shame to waste the words “Spencer Pratt” and “beating” without the words “barely-conscious victim of,” but here goes: Spencer came to the defense of his sister Stephanie’s honor by punching her ex-boyfriend Cameron Huston in the face. Star Magazine says

Things got hostile at swanky West Hollywood lounge Coco de Ville on Jan. 17 when Spencer spotted Cameron and immediately started a heated argument. An eyewitness says Spencer lost it and smashed his sister’s ex in the face!

“Cameron had to be taken to a local hospital,” a witness tells Star. “There was blood; there was screaming. It was a major scene.”

Bullshit. Last time I checked, dog-paddling the air with your eyes squinched shut doesn’t count as actual fighting. The only thing that Spencer knows how to do with his fist involves a frantic up and down motion and several ounces of hand lotion.

With fellow fame whores Heidi Montag, Perez Hilton and the Kardashians at Perez’ book signing:

Kelly Osbourne was arrested yesterday for allegedly slapping some broad in a Soho nightclub last summer. The Daily Mail says

Witnesses claim [Osbourne] flew into a rage after gossip columnist Zoe Griffin said her fiancé, Luke Worrall, was stupid.

Griffin is said to have taunted Osbourne, 24, that Worrall, 19, did not know what an earthquake was. The incident occurred in the Punk nightclub in August.

Call me naive, but I did not see Kelly Osbourne as the violent type. She struck me as more of a “chasing sour cream around a dinner plate with nacho while standing in line at the buffet for the third time” kind of girl. Perhaps that’s what they mean when they say “you can’t judge a book by its cover.” No matter how fat and disgusting its cover might happen to be.

At the Fox All Stars Party with her family:

Following rumors of constant fighting and an impending divorce, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony have now taken to waling on each other like a couple of Dale, Jr. fans in a double wide trailer. Viva el amor! Star Magazine quotes a source as saying

“They love hard; they fight hard — and that has led to pushing and shoving. They throw things and scream and just go bananas. It’s been war in their house! [Marc] can be really mean. He’s a macho guy with a horrible temper and can say awful things.”

What triggers these blowups? A number of things — from various women calling their home to speak with Marc to his comments about Jennifer’s “chubby” post-baby body.

Jesus, enough already. We get it. You’re a fiery Latina with eh-strong Puertorriquena eh-spirit and a passion for living. What’s next, a tear drop tattoo under your left eye and tagging the overpass under the Santa Ana Freeway? Get arrested for shoplifting from Wal-Mart and you’ve hit every goddamn cliché in the book.

Eh-shopping at Victoria’s eh-Secret: