You may have spent your weekend gorging yourself on jelly beans and Cadbury Eggs and spending time with your family, but Lindsay Lohan had bigger fish to fry. Namely, going clubbing and shoving girls for daring to talk to one of her guy friends. Also known as to the rest of the world, junior high school. TMZ reports,

Lindsay Lohan has been off formal probation for less than two weeks and she’s already being accused of getting into an altercation with a woman in a nightclub earlier this week … TMZ has learned.

According to our sources, a woman filed an incident report ALLEGING BATTERY with the West Hollywood Sheriff’s Department last night. We’re told the woman claims Lindsay got into it with her at a nightclub on Thursday night. She claims Lindsay did not like the fact she was talking to a male friend of LiLo’s … and began pushing and shoving her.

Law enforcement sources say they will investigate the woman’s claims — like they would any other incident like this — to determine their validity.

Lindsay’s rep, Steve Honig, tells TMZ, “Lindsay was absolutely not involved in any sort of altercation whatsoever. This is clearly another case of someone looking for money and 15 minutes of fame.”

I like how outraged her rep sounds. He acts like his client isn’t a serial fuck-up. I’d be more inclined to believe him if he just said, “Hey, I know Lindsay keeps on screwing up, so I don’t blame you for thinking this is true, but this time she really didn’t do anything.” Otherwise you end up looking like an idiot by getting all huffy. It’s like when I accused my boyfriend of using me as a beard. Acting indignant when you get caught blowing the gardener just doesn’t ring true.

On on Friday night in Los Angeles:

Adriana Lima and Doutzen Kroes are both ridiculously hot Victoria’s Secret models, but it’s clear from this photo shoot for V Magazine that the two of them have lost way too much weight. They’re all elbows and knees and right angles. Getting in on that girl-on-girl action would probably be the tactile equivalent of jerking off with a pile of wire hangers.

Heather Locker hasn’t had the best couple of years, what with the going to rehab for pain pills, being arrested for a hit and run, getting a DWI, and being forcibly hospitalized by her family, but there are new claims that her engagement to former “Melrose Place” co-star Jack Wagner was called off after things got physical in their front yard. Radar Online says:

“A huge argument erupted [between Heather and Jack] as they insulted each other’s families,” a source exclusively told Star. “As Heather went to her car, Jack lunged at her, trying to grab her. Her reaction was to swing.

“She caught Jack with a right hook across his face, knocking him to the ground.”

The police arrived and after speaking to them both they realized the gash across Wagner’s face was caused in self defense.

The first thing that went through my mind after reading that was “Huh huh… you got your ass kicked by T.J. Hooker. Wuss.” I’m not even gonna waste a good tampon joke on this asswipe. Beavis and Butt-Head wouldn’t stand for it.

My favorite episode of the new season:

After her 72-day marriage to Kris Humphries turned made her a complete laughingstock, Kim Kardashian sicced her “sources” on the tabloids in an attempt to convince the stupid twats that watch her show that she was the real victim in all this. Us Magazine says:

Kardashian’s hubby soaked up the perks of being married to one of the most successful reality stars ever — staying out late at clubs in NYC and L.A., and demanding free bottle service and more wherever he went.

Even worse? He could be downright cruel to Kardashian, 31. “He belittled her in front of people,” one insider [said]. “He’d call her stupid. It was truly sickening. He would say truly terrible things. One time, he said she had no talent and her fame wouldn’t last.”

He even took exception to her world-famous posterior, calling her “fat ass,” the source says.

Well she IS stupid and fat-assed and talentless and her fifteen minutes should have been over two years ago. It’s sad when Kris Humprhies is the smart one in your relationship

25-year-old Shia LeBeouf can’t hold his liquor for shit (see here and here), but he still makes it a point to get belligerently drunk wherever he goes. Including Canada, where he’s currently filming “The Company You Keep” and getting his ass kicked in street fights. Radar Online says:

The actor managed to get in not one, but three fights in the early hours of Friday morning. According to an eyewitness, Shia appeared visibly drunk.

“He got into a confrontation with a couple of people,” the witness said. “He took a few punches to the face. He was obviously pretty intoxicated.”

Shia had to pulled away from a bar patron by security when the pair clashed inside the Cinema Public House just after 12:30 a.m. However, once outside, the patron ripped off his shirt and unleashed a one sided attack on the star.

[The patron] ran up to Shia hitting him to the ground with at least three punches to his head… then Shia just put his hands up and gave up,” the witness said.

Photos taken over the weekend [show] a sore and sorry Shia sporting grazes and swelling to his left side of his face.

He gets drunk, starts fights, and then gets his ass kicked. So what. That’s every Christmas I ever had growing up. In other dumbassery-related news, rapper Soulja Boy was arrested in Georgia this morning after cops pulled him over for a traffic violation and found a shitload of weed, guns and cash in the car. TMZ says:

21-year-old rapper — real name DeAndre Cortez Way — was popped early this morning by Temple Police Department officers in Temple, GA at 3:15 AM.

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ … Soulja was riding in an Escalade with 4 other men, which was originally pulled over for a traffic violation.

We’re told … during the stop, cops found a “substantial amount” of marijuana and cash inside the vehicle.” Soulja and the 4 other men were all arrested. Soulja is still being held in Carrol County Jail.

Law enforcement sources tell us officers also found guns inside the car — though it’s unclear if any of the men had the proper licenses to be in possession of the firearms. We’re told an investigation is underway.

One source with knowledge of the situation tells us there was roughly $70,000 in cash and drugs in the car. all 5 men were arrested on charges of possession of marijuana, possession with intent to distribute, and possession of a firearm during the commission of a crime.

Boy, what are the odds that a Cadillac Escolade full of black guys would yield a cache of illegal weapons and drugs? That almost never happens!

A video posted on YouTube over the weekend shows a man who looks an awful lot like “The Notebook” star Ryan Gosling breaking up a fight in the middle of a New York City street. According to People Magazine:

Several adult men are seen arguing in a crosswalk over a stolen painting before someone who looks suspiciously like Gosling, 30, starts to cross the street and breaks up the altercation, gently leading the men onto the sidewalk.

The incident was caught on amateur video by onlookers, who can be heard excitedly shrieking once they recognize who they’re filming.

Gosling, who resides in the Big Apple, is currently filming The Place in the Pines in the city.

The guy’s got some killer guns, but I don’t believe it’s actually the real Ryan Gosling. It looks more like Waldo’s gay brother, Dildo. Now see if you can find Wizard Whitebeard and his trusty dog Woof!

“Victorious” star Victoria Justice in a bikini in Miami, because Ryan Gosling doesn’t have boobs:

A recording of the frantic and snotty 911 call Paula Abdul placed during a heated confrontation with her boyfriend was leaked online yesterday. TMZ says:

Paula Abdul made a tearful 911 call during a Valentine’s Day drive with a boyfriend — repeatedly screaming, “Drop me off!”

Seconds later Paula says, “Are you gonna drop me off ’cause I have emergency on the phone” — and shortly after that she says, “He’s dropping me off.”

Officers got in touch with Paula about an hour later and she said it was just a verbal dispute.

A spokesperson for Abdul tells TMZ, “Arguments with loved ones are often times heated. After the call was made everything was worked out.”

I’m sure the situation was immediately diffused once officers realized that the car’s child-safety locks were on and that the “boyfriend” holding her hostage was actually just the voice of the OnStar lady.

Paula out and about in Beverly Hills last month:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

Shia LaBeouf not only plays irritating, cocky little shits on the big screen, he also happens to be one in real life. TMZ elaborates,

Shia LaBeouf has been a constant irritation at an L.A. sports bar recently — with patrons complaining about his drunken, violent behavior … even before a fight left him in handcuffs this weekend.

TMZ spoke with sources connected to Mad Bull’s Tavern in Sherman Oaks, CA — who tell us, the actor has been hanging around a lot lately … but, “Every time Shia comes to the bar, he’s a problem and it’s starting to get old.”

We’re told Shia was the instigator in another testosterone-fueled incident just a few weeks ago — in which bar staff had to break up close to 15 people before an intense pushing match turned into an all-out brawl.

As for Shia’s fight this weekend, Mad Bull’s owner Richard Disisto tells us, “The boys were out drinking, boys had too much to drink, one guy comments to the other and the next thing you know someone gets punched. Whattya gonna do? It happens.”

You’d be looking to get your head kicked in too if your acting style consisted of running around yelling “Nonononono!”, blinking rapidly and stuttering like a retard with Tourette’s.

Looking every bit the leading man:

Jennifer Lopez announced on Ellen DeGeneres yesterday that the reason Ricky Gervais didn’t rip her a new asshole at the Golden Globes was because she threatened to beat him up if he made mean jokes about her. Only she said it like, “Hainifair Lopez will eh-stab you with her piece because she ees a Latina from de Bronx. Holla!” The Daily Mail quotes her as saying:

‘I was sitting in the audience and was thinking “Oh my God, what’s he gonna say about me?

‘I went back stage and I got him. Right before I was about to go out. I can’t say everything I said – because you’d have to bleep it out and nobody needs to know that I talk like that – but I said “Listen, I’m from the Bronx, I fight, my husband fights and I’ll beat you up after the show!”

‘I said “I mean it!”‘ I scared him. He was scary though.’

Bitch, please. If Ricky Gervais was scared of anything, it’s that your husband would give him the bubonic plague. Rodents are one of the main transmitters of communicable disease, you know.

At the Golden Globes:

PHOTO CREDIT: Fame Pictures

The girl that Demi Lovato punched in the face before she hightailed it to rehab has managed to remain nameless and faceless — until now. Meet 21-year old back up dancer Alex Welch and her lovely black eye! The Daily Mail says:

The back-up dancer at the center of Demi Lovato’s airplane meltdown has been identified at red-head Alex Welch.

The 21-year-old appeared in season three of America’s Best Dance Crew with Beat Freaks.

And pictures taken after the incident have emerged showing Welch sporting what appears to be bruised eye.

Honestly, that chick had it coming. You can’t go around with hair like that and not expect people to punch you in the face. She might as well be wearing a giant bullseye.

Jessica Alba in the December issue of Elle UK (did I mention her topless cell phone pictures?), because her hair doesn’t inspire rage:

They say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, but that’s just because hell hasn’t met a teenage girl who’s just been dumped just yet. Believe me, they’re much worse. I know. I used to be one. And despite all the rumors of bulimia and cutting and drug use, the real reason Demi Lovato is in rehab is because she threatened to kick Joe Jonas’ new girlfriend’s ass in front of like 30 people in the airport. Did I mention this was after she had already kicked her backup dancer’s ass in front of like 30 people in the airport? Awk-waaard! People Magazine says:

“When tour management found out [that she had been partying the night before], they talked to Demi,” says the source. “Demi reacted badly and perceived that someone on tour had told on her.”

When Lovato and other tour members were on an airplane that same day, Lovato confronted the young dancer, whom she thought [was] to blame for telling on her. “There was a short, physical altercation,” says the source, adding that it was “one-sided.”

And of the whoopin’ she threatened to give Ashley Greene, E! Online says:

Demi also made verbal threats to Joe’s new squeeze, Ashley Greene, who was at the airport as well and witnessed her meltdown. A second eyewitness also corroborated the confrontation between Lovato and Greene.

According to a someone close to the Lovato family, the airport altercation was the “catalyst” to Lovato deciding to “take responsibility” for her actions.

To be fair, I rarely go to the airport without getting into some kind of altercation. Post 9/11, you can’t do anything in the Delta hub without somebody with an M-16 dragging you away by your zip-tie handcuffs and tazing you until you shit your pants. Also, there’s a bar every fifteen feet. If they didn’t want you to drink, they shouldn’t have put so many of them in one place.

Sweaty Ashley Green in spandex:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

“Sonny with a Chance” star Demi Lovato is the latest Disney whore-in-the-making to find herself in rehab. Loyal readers will remember I called this two years ago, the first time she was photographed with a bunch of cut marks on her wrists, and then again last year, when she was busted cutting a second time, probably because of the twenty extra pounds she was carrying in her face. So am I psychotic? Do I have ESPN? All signs point to yes! Star Magazine says:

“Demi Lovato left her [Camp Rock: The Final Jam tour with the Jonas Brothers] early this weekend in order to seek medical treatment for emotional and physical issues she has dealt with for some time,” her rep said in a statement. “Demi has decided to take personal responsibility for her actions and seek help. She is doing just that. Demi and her family ask that the media please respect their privacy during this difficult time. She regrets not being able to finish her tour, but is looking forward to getting back to work in the near future.”

While it remains unclear what the emotional and physical issues are, the [the 18-year old] Disney darling has showed signs of cutting.

Also complicating matters, Demi is currently on tour with her ex-boyfriend Joe Jonas. They had previously been best friends before Joe dumped Demi.

As if that isn’t enough drama, one report states Demi recently got into a physical altercation with a female on tour with her.

She also was bullied in school as a child, struggled with eating disorders her entire life, and was deemed “the ugly one” in the new Disney Brat Pack by mean-spirited gossip bloggers. That’s just cruel. If anybody’s ugly in that group, it’s that one Jonas brother. And that one horse-faced chick with the weird chin. Oh… right. Never mind.

At the 2010 American Music Awards press conference two weeks ago:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures