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Miley Cyrus is a suspect in a criminal battery case after allegedly punching some dude in the face at the Roosevelt Hotel Saturday night. TMZ says:

The alleged victim filed a police report early Sunday morning with the LAPD … claiming he and his friends were sitting behind Miley and her fiance Liam Hemsworth at Beacher’s Madhouse at the Roosevelt Hotel when things got rowdy.

The alleged victim claims he and his friends accidentally bumped into Liam’s chair and the two camps exchanged words … an argument that quickly escalated.

The alleged victim claims Liam got in his face and Miley jumped in the middle to break it up — but not before pushing him away and striking him in the face. There were no visible injuries.

Oh, come on. Nobody’s chair got bumped. We all know they made fun of her hair and she got mad and socked him in the mouth. Still, it takes a guy with a serious mangina to admit to getting his ass kicked by Hannah Montana. If the lawsuit doesn’t work out, I guess he can always get a job as the spokesperson for Tampax.

Get a white crochet bikini like Miley’s from Ralph Lauren:

Madonna deemed Lady Gaga’s Born This Way a “reductive” version of her 1989 hit Express Yourself in an interview with 20/20 earlier this year, and Lady Gaga in turn called her “retarded,” so Madonna responded by covering Born This Way on her MDNA tour in May. Gee, can you guess where this is going? Radar Online says:

Gaga — after enduring a cavalcade of slights and digs from the Material Girl painting her as a cheap imitation — struck back in her concert at Finland’s Hartwall Areena Tuesday, telling more than 13,000 concertgoers, “I don’t give a fuck what people say.

“We don’t give a fuck — we know the truth,” the Poker Face singer told the crowd, along with a few not-so-subtle clues that left no mystery as to who she was talking about. She flashed her thong, as the exhibitionist Madonna has been doing on her recent MDNA tour, before launching into a cover of Madonna’s 1989 smash Like A Prayer.

I hate Lady Gaga, but Madonna is a mean old cunt who seems to think she owns the patent on playing dress-up and ripping off other people’s music. Well, two can play that game, dumbass. And Lady Gaga’s already played it with David Bowie, Britney Spears and Grace Jones, so you know she’s really good at it.

You can find your own purple coat with black accents here, but if you like negative attention and condescending stares, you can get a pink fur coat similar to Lady Gaga’s here.

PHOTO CREDIT: Pacific Coast News

A battery investigation is underway after Randy, Jermaine and Janet Jackson (that’s Ms. Jackson if you’re nasty) allegedly “stormed” the Jackson home to accost Michael Jackson’s daughter Paris in an attempt to force her and her siblings to join their grandmother in Arizona. The Daily Mail says:

Janet Jackson is believed to have slapped her niece Paris and called her a ‘spoiled little bitch’ during an attempt to ‘ambush’ Michael Jackson’s three children.

Police were called as the singer, along with brothers Randy and Jermaine, stormed the children’s house as the feud between the warring clan erupted into open warfare on Monday.

When Janet allegedly screamed abuse at Paris the 14-year-old responded with a slap of her own, telling her aunt: ‘This is our house. Not the Jackson family house. Get the fuck out!”

The argument then moved inside with Jermaine and Randy allegedly getting into a physical altercation with Trent Jackson.

At one point, Trent allegedly had Randy in a headlock [and punched] Jermaine in the mouth.

Um, where was the “ambush” where they “stormed” the Jackson house? There weren’t any night vision goggles or anybody crawling in on their stomachs covered in mosquito netting and camouflage paint. The clip I saw had a fat chick and a bald dude kinda wandering around looking confused, like they couldn’t find the potato salad at the buffet. Tyler Perry had me expecting a lot more out of these people.

UPDATE: TMZ is now reporting that Katherine Jackson is on her way back to L.A. after being “effectively kidnapped by Randy and several other Jackson siblings in what appears to be a scheme to pressure Katherine to try and overthrow the executors of the Michael Jackson estate,” and that lawyers for Tito’ 34-year-old son TJ “are at an L.A. courthouse right now in an attempt to get temporary guardianship of Michael Jackson’s three kids.” This should work out well.

NBA star Tony Parker suffered a lacerated cornea the night Drake and Chris Brown trashed a NYC nightclub over Rihanna, but instead of suing the two douchebags who started the fight, he’s suing the nightclub instead. TMZ says:

Parker says he was hit by shards of glass and suffered lacerations to his cornea when bottles started flying in the fight last week.

The lawsuit alleges club management, knowing there was “bad blood between Drake and Brown,” was driven by the almighty buck and continued selling alcohol to the participants in the brawl, despite the fact that some were “visibly intoxicated.”

As for whether Chris Brown or Drake will be added as defendants, Parker’s lawyer [says] he’s waiting for the results of the police investigation. He also wants to review the surveillance tape before making his decision.

Please. He’s not gonna sue Drake or Chris Brown, no matter what the security tape turns up. He’s gonna go about it the cowardly back-handed way and sue the club. The guy’s French. That’s what they do best. Otherwise it wouldn’t say “cowardly and back-handed since 1794″ right there on their money.

Despite his rep’s claims to the contrary, multiple eyewitnesses told cops that it was Drake who instigated the nightclub brawl that sent four people to the hospital Thursday night, because he was the first one to chuck a bottle at Chris Brown. Radar Online says:

“Independent eyewitnesses have told detectives from the New York Police Department that Drake absolutely started the fight by throwing a bottle at Chris,” a source close to law enforcement [said]. “It was intended to hit Chris… none of this would have happened if Drake hadn’t thrown the bottle. Once Drake threw the bottle at Chris all hell broke loose. There is no evidence that Chris instigated the brawl, he only acted in self defense and he got out of the club as quickly as possible.”

“The club is outfitted with extensive security cameras that caught the entire fight on video,” the insider says. “It’s extremely likely that criminal charges are going to be filed as a result of the melee. There were just too many injuries and the club suffered extensive damages. The cops aren’t taking this lightly at all.”

It’s a sad state of affairs when a Jew rapper from Canada with a private school education has more street cred than you. Even Peppermint Patty has bigger balls than Chris Brown.

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