Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Jessica White was arrested outside a New York nightclub early Saturday morning after she snatched a trick by her broke-ass weave and busted out all her fronts. People Magazine says:

The model, 26, was charged with assault for striking another woman in the face and pulling her hair.

According to a complaint filed to the DA’s office, White allegedly hit the woman numerous causing “lacerations, swelling and substantial pain.”

White, who has been linked with both Sean Penn and Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Terrell Owens, was held in police custody for more than 12 hours.

Well, it’s like they say — you can take the black girl out of the ghetto, but you can’t take the ghetto out of the black girl.

Now it’s time to play, “Who’s the Bigger Douche?”. Everyone loves to hate paparazzi, so when one gets pitted against a creepily grinning Mel Gibson, it’s hard to know who to root for. Mel stops his car, gets out, and comes walking up to the pap’s car recording video with his phone. Mel and the pap go back and forth with each other, spouting gems like, “You got a lot of dialogue, don’t you?” “Oh I got everything up my sleeve, buddy, and I have a short-sleeve shirt on.” Zing! They stop just short of saying, “I know you are, but what am I?” It couldn’t get any gayer if both of them pulled out their penises and had a sword fight. Which, by the way Mel protests so loudly against gays, he might actually enjoy.

There’s a bit of good ol’ fashioned feminine rivalry going on between ball player Alex Rodriguez’ former fuckbag Kate Hudson and his current piece of ass, Cameron Diaz. According to Page Six:

“Kate hates Cameron,” an insider [says]. “She’s pissed Cameron is dating A-Rod.”

Hudson’s convinced Diaz is striking back at her, because [she] hooked up with Justin Timberlake in 2007 — only days after Diaz ended a four-year relationship with him.

“Kate thinks it’s payback, pure and simple,” the insider [revealed]. But things have been tense between the women for some time. Hudson has been happy to remind pals that she scored a coveted spot in the musical “Nine” that Diaz had craved.

“Kate thinks Cameron is an aging old-lady actress struggling to remain sexy and relevant,” a source close to Hudson said.

A pal of Diaz’s scoffed, “Kate is only upset because she hates being single.”

And then Kate was all, “Well, I’m rubber and you’re glue, and whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you, so you should shut your stupid mouth.” And then Cameron was all, “Why doncha make me?” And then Kate goes, “Sorry, I don’t make trash, I burn it” and Cameron goes, “Well, I don’t shut up, I grow up, and when I look at you, I throw up!” and everyone in Mrs. Kimball’s fourth period Earth Science class agreed that Kate got totally owned.

Kate on the set of “Something Borrowed”; Cameron at the L.A. premiere of Shrek:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Lindsay Lohan tried to have Avril Lavigne tossed out of the Chateau Marmont last week after Avril called her a “loser” in front of a bunch of people. Please hold your eye rolls and condescending sighs until the end. According to Page Six

An eyewitness [said]: “Avril was at a table with friends when Lindsay came over to say hi.

But as soon as she approached, Avril launched at her and said: ‘Get the hell out of my face, you are fake, you are a loser. I don’t like false people. Stay away from me and my friends.’

Lindsay was furious and screamed back: ‘Don’t threaten me!’ She then stormed off to security and tried to get them to kick Avril out. They refused to force Avril to leave. Lindsay eventually stormed off.”

Sources tell us that the feud kicked off when Lohan snubbed Lavigne at an event — but sidled up to her acting friendly once Lavigne was sitting with a group at the Chateau Marmont days later.

The source added: “It seemed like she was just being friendly to Avril because she was with people Lindsay wanted to impress.”

If Forrest Gump and Lenny from Mice and Men had a kid and dropped it on its head, it still wouldn’t be half as stupid as these two twats. Welcome to the Aristotelian archetype for “functionally retarded.” Try not to shit yourselves or eat a box of crayons while you’re here.

Lindsay and her sister last week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer Griffin Online

Lindsay Lohan announced she was “through” with the club scene on her Twitter last night, but the truth is that the club scene is actually through with her — she’s been banned from L.A. nightclub Trousdale after chucking a glass at former girlfriend Samantha Ronson. Page Six says

Witnesses tell us that Ronson was sitting with friends when Lohan stormed up and suddenly threw her drink — including the glass — at her on Friday night. A spy told us: “Samantha was DJ-ing and Lindsay stormed over and threw a glass at her head. Glass flew everywhere. The club owner asked Lindsay to leave and was overheard saying she’ll never come back.”

And apparently she’s not just done with the club scene — she’s done with the whole “acting” scene, too. According to TMZ

Lindsay Lohan was axed from a movie because she’s not “bankable.”

Lindsay was slated to star in “The Other Side,” but the writer/director [told] us, “Our team simply chose to move on from Lindsay and we’ll soon be announcing a replacement.”

Sources connected with the film tell us the people financing the film were skittish about relying on Lindsay. Here’s the twist… at one point Brittany Murphy was attached to the movie.

I’m sure you could get a movie starring Brittany Murphy insured easier than you could one starring Lindsay. At least the dead chick’s always where she says she’s gonna be. Just put some sunglasses and a hat on her and prop her up Weekend at Bernie’s style. I guaranteed you it still wouldn’t be half as bad as “Labor Pains” or “I Know Who Killed Me.”

Samantha leaving Trousdale after the glass-throwing incident:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

The second season of “Jersey Shore” is in full swing in Miami, and I know you’re dying to see what kind of new shennanigans The Situation, Snooki, the one with the big fake tits and the rest are gonna wind up in this time around. Let’s just reach into MTV’s hat of hackneyed cliches and predictable stereotypes here and pull one out — okay, let’s see… ooh, it’s a fight! While they’re drinking! This is all so unexpected! Us Magazine says

The MTV reality star was doing shots with Jenni “JWoww” Farley at Ocean’s 10 bar in Miami Saturday when a man approached her.

“This particular guy was obviously interested and she wasn’t,” a witness [said]. “She told him, ‘Don’t [fuck] with me’ so he snatched her drink and walked off.”

Snooki [then] threw a handful of food at the guy, and then slapped him on his shoulder and his face — before tossing a plastic cup at him.

The guy retaliated by dumping his own drink all over Snooki. Jwoww ran over screaming “What the [fuck] happened?” as security threw him out.

MTV cameras caught everything on tape.

Jesus, what a load of bullshit. The day the Snooki turns down unsolicited male attention is the day I take up smelting and sobriety. That fight was so fucking scripted Diablo Cody could have written it.

Don’t adjust your screen — their skin is supposed to be that color:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

You don’t get to be a tatted Nazi slutty hooker by being especially intelligent (come on, when she gets old her tats are gonna look like the Lucky Charms dude jizzed all over her),  but Michelle “Bombshell”  ”Nazi Big Boobs” McGee thought taking on celebrity smack-talker Chelsea Handler was something she could handle. Wrong! Says Popeater,

The war of words began after Handler posted a joke about McGee on her blog, saying, “I guess she doesn’t read magazines which makes sense, since she basically has one on her face.” In Handler-land, that’s about as tame as a joke is going to get, and given the amount of ink spilled dissing McGee since the Jesse James infidelity scandal broke, she should have just left it go.

But she didn’t, of course. Bad move.

McGee responded on her Facebook page, saying, “Chelsea, here’s some free advice: Use some of that Botox from your forehead and put it in your flabby underarm skin. I’ve seen better wings in a bucket of KFC chicken.”

…Handler took to her show last night and dealt McGee a proper smackdown. After cracking a few jokes about dipping her arms in blue cheese, the host got a little hostile: “First of all, look at my forehead, you dumb b***h, okay? It moves. You have a tattoo on your forehead, so you have had a needle in your forehead — and probably Jesse James’ b***s. So shut your face.”

You have shamed the memory of Der Führer, fraulein. Now go deep-throat your collector’s Nazi Walther PPK handgun (you should have no problem with that part) and do what must be done.

Sean Penn was reportedly kicked out of the Governor’s Ball Oscars after-party Sunday night after punching “Hurt Locker” producer Greg Shapiro. Nine MSN says

Shapiro is dating Penn’s on-again/off-again ex-[wife] Robin Wright.

But despite reports of a scuffle between the pair, Penn’s reps deny he was even at the party.

[But] we have to admit [Penn] was looking pretty out of it when he announced the Best Picture award at the end of the ceremony.

And further corroborating the story, TMZ adds

Sean and Greg were in the same room with each other at one point in the night.

After Sean presented the Best Actress award to Sandra Bullock, both presenter and winner are supposed to go to an elevator which takes them near the press room. Sandra lingered around backstage for a little while — so Sean went to the elevator by himself.

After Sean emerged from the elevator and was waiting around for Sandra, a group of people from “The Hurt Locker” came up in the elevator right after the Best Picture announcement — Greg Shapiro was in that group.

We’re told Sean was nearby when Greg got off the elevator.

It’s funny how that whole bad boy persona doesn’t work when you’re pushing sixty and have a paunch and gray hair. What might have been viewed as scandalously sexy before just comes across as pitiful and pathetic now, like having a tribal armband tattoo or riding around on a Vespa. The only thing “hard” about Sean Penn now are probably his arteries.

Leaving CNN after a Larry King interview last month:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Jesus Luz got his precious mer-man face doused with Brazilian beer while working the turntables in Rio Sunday night. According to Page Six

Madonna’s boy toy was deejaying at a party when a guest came up and threw beer in his face, saying, “Get out of here, I don’t wanna see your face here anymore!” Luz [then] “went to a corner and started to cry.”

He only finished the gig when four bodyguards were assigned to flank him.

This is boring and faggy and nobody cares, but I had to post it for the title alone. A gem like that doesn’t just fall into your lap like that, you know. All those years of Catholic school must have been leading up to this one shining moment in my life. Passing it up would almost be like spitting in the face of God.

What better way to kickstart your weekend than watching Kim Kardashian getting punched in the face? It seems the logical order of events, since you’ve already seen her get pissed on and drilled like an Alaskan shoreline. Us Magazine says

On Sunday’s Keeping Up With the Kardashians, Kim Kardashian steps into the ring for a charity boxing match — with harsh results.

She ends up taking several punches to the face.

“I’ve never been hit so hard,” Kim, 29, says in the clip (above).

The only way I’d enjoy this more is if her helmet had flown off in the middle of it all. And maybe if instead of a boxing ring, it was set of concrete stairs surrounded by a moat filled with crocodiles and sharks and sharpened wooden poles dipped in cyanide. But no sense in getting greedy, is there? If there’s one thing this whole Haiti travesty has taught me, it’s to be grateful for what I’ve got. So, thank you, Jesus, for this wonderful clip of Kim Kardashian getting her ass kicked. Amen!

More of her doing what she does best — sucking:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News Online

Tiger Woods hasn’t been seen since publicly since his Thanksgiving night accident, but not because of an overwhelming sense of shame and embarrassment — it’s because wife Elin Nordegren went and busted out all his fronts before he drove his car into a tree. Star Magazine says

“Elin confronted him about texting Rachel [Uchitel] and flew into a rage,” a source close to Tiger tells Star. “She apparently threw the phone at his mouth and broke one of his teeth.”

The incident didn’t stop with the dental damage, either.

Elin then grabbed a golf club and chased him around the house, doing tens of thousands of dollars in damage,” the source continues. “He ran out to the car barefoot to get away from her and was in such a state of panic that he crashed.”

Another insider confirms Tiger’s tooth trauma,” Elin went psycho that night. He couldn’t make an appearance in public after that. He was scared for his life.”

Well, to be fair, his teeth take up about 70% of his entire goddamn face, so it’d be hard not to hit him square in incisors when throwing something at his head. You’d have a harder time not hitting one of his 500 chompers than you would breaking out a couple with your cell phone.

And now, for a remarkably accurate reenactment of events:

Cops were called to Paris Hilton’s house late Tuesday night after she got into a drunken shoving match with boyfriend Doug Reinhardt in the middle of her driveway. But of course, Paris is claiming it was all just a misunderstanding on the part of the LAPD. She told TMZ

“Doug and I were in bed, sound asleep, when Doug’s houseguests from hell got into an argument. We had nothing to do with it. Doug told the LAPD that his guests’ fight was over and that we had nothing to do with it.”

Except that’s not how the neighbors remember it, because it’s not what actually happened:

A neighbor [witnessed] Paris in her driveway screaming at Doug and watched as the two engaged in a mutual shoving match. And then there’s the LAPD, who tells us after arriving they actually made Paris get out of bed so they could check for injuries.

Well, she’s clearly lying. Cops don’t usually frisk you for something someone else did. Unless you’re a black man driving an expensive car, in which case it really goes without saying.

Launching her new hair tool “The Celebrity Styler” with sister Nicky:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News