Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson came to blows at a London night club this week after Sam caught girlfriend Lindsay dry-humping ex-boyfriend Calum Best on the dance floor. The Sun says

Lindsay was having a boogie on the dance floor with Calum. Sam came screeching up to Lindsay, screaming blue murder and throwing punches. She went ballistic. The pair traded a series of blows before Calum managed to pry them apart.

Before leaving more blows were traded in the venue’s lobby. Lindsay launched herself at Sam, spitting at her and clawing at her chest. She was fuming.

The warring couple were driven back to their hotel in Kensington, West London, at around 4.30 am. But an hour later distraught Lindsay left speaking on her mobile phone before sinking to the ground in tears.

No, no, no. That’s not how you do it at all. According to my hours of research — including such reputable endeavors as “Lusty Lesbians on Lickester Row” and “Clitty Clitty Bang Bang” — lesbian fights do NOT involve “punching.” (Side note: they can, however, involve fists). Lesbian fights require plenty of oil, tear-away bikinis and an innocent by-stander/prison guard who can later join in all the fun. Either get it right or don’t do it all, ladies.