Here’s Lindsay Lohan and little sister Ali Lohan at LAX. Is Lindsay afraid that she’ll have to make a sudden ditch from the aircraft? I don’t know why else she’d be wearing a fancified flight suit. Maybe that red thing she’s holding is her parachute. Hopefully Ali cut some holes in it for the culmination of her master plan to outshine and replace her big sister’s slut star with her own. Why she’s dressed like she’s taking a ride back to 1994 is beyond me, though.

Singer Amy Winehouse was her usual reserved and dignified self during a nine-hour flight from Barbados to London on Sunday. The Daily Mail says

Amy appeared from First Class, shouting incoherently and running up and down the aisles [of British Airways flight 2152].

A source [said]: ‘She had clearly been drinking. She was acting… like a child. It wasn’t funny, it was just annoying.’

There were even reports this morning that she had physically lashed out at a fellow passenger during the flight.

Upon arrival at Gatwick on Sunday morning, the singer looked distressed and jetlagged..

Just how they distinguished “distressed and jetlagged” from her usual look of “belligerent and on the verge of blackout” is a mystery to me. Maybe there was some sort of sign on her back.

Winona Ryder downed a flight from Los Angeles to London yesterday after overdosing on happy pills while on the plane. The Daily Mail says

The 37-year-old star was rushed to hospital on arrival at Heathrow and an accidental overdose of tranquillisers was today believed to be the reason.The waif-like American… collapsed twice on Flight 282 after taking too many Xantax pills, which are used to combat anxiety.

Her publicist said: ‘She did fall ill on a plane and as a precautionary measure they took her to hospital. She was there for an hour. She’s in good health. There’s no drama.’

Drama? Please! It’s Winona Ryder we’re talking about. Everyone knows that Winona has always lived a life of quiet dignity and reserve. Whether it’s ripping off a Saks’ Fifth Avenue or overdosing on a transcontinental flight, Winona always manages to maintain an air of respectability and restraint. I swear, if she wore a little crown and scepter, you’d never know she wasn’t queen from the days of yore.

At the L.A. premiere of “Milk” last week:

Remember the name Maria Esther Castillo — you’re going to be hearing it a lot today. Ms. Castillo found herself duct-taped to her seat after striking a flight attendant and assaulting the disabled during a flight to Chicago. The Chicago Tribune says

[Castillo] struck a flight attendant on the buttocks with the back of her hand [and] fell onto the head of a blind passenger and later started pulling the person’s hair. Ankle cuffs kept slipping off Castillo, so the flight crew and two passengers were forced to use duct tape to keep her in her seat, the complaint states.

Maria Esther Castillo is charged with resisting arrest and interfering with the operations of a flight crew aboard United Airlines Flight 645, from Puerto Rico to Chicago.

This just confirms my father’s belief that duct tape can be used in nearly every situation. Reattaching an amputated limb, replacing your windshield, silencing a witness — all of it. And don’t let’s forget the body hair removal perks that come with a quality adhesive! Maria Ester Castillo got that luscious Latina body hair ripped out right by the root for free. United Airlines can now boast free in-flight ankle waxing with every belligerent outburst! United — come fly the hair-free skies.