The 53-year-old “30 Rock” actor Alec Baldwin held up an entire plane full of people and was eventually kicked off his American Airlines flight yesterday after he refused to turn off his goddamn cellphone so he could play Words With Friends. Yeah, that’s right — fuck everybody else. They’re not on TV, are they? Us Magazine says:

Said managing director Michael J. Wolf: “On an AA flight at LAX. Alec Baldwin removed from the plane. We had to go back to the gate. Terrible that everyone had to wait.”

Baldwin’s early exit may have been due to his use of electronics. “The flight attendant on American reamed me out for playing Words With Friends while we sat at the gate, not moving,” Baldwin tweeted. “No wonder American Air is bankrupt.”

Baldwin’s rep explained the ordeal, saying: “Alec was asked to leave the flight for playing Words with Friends while parked at the gate. He loves WWF so much that he was willing to leave a plane for it, but he has already boarded another AA flight.”

Wow… what a selfless display of holiday spirit right there. I thought you needed a vendetta against all the Whos down in Whoville to be that kind of Christmas asshole.

At LAX after being kicked off his flight yesterday:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

According to Gerard Depardieu, that little incident where he pissed in the aisle of an airplane wasn’t his fault. He claims that he has prostate problems and so, you see, HAD to whip out his dick in front of everyone and pee. Says TMZ,

Gerard Depardieu is finally explaining why he peed on the floor of an Air France plane this week … blaming the whole thing on prostate issues … but insisting he “offered to clean up the mess.”

Gerard’s traveling companion on the flight, Edouard Baer, has released a statement on Depardieu’s behalf, saying, “[Gerard] has prostate problems and it was very worrying and humiliating for him.”

Baer claims he gave Gerard a bottle to pee in while the two were on the plane … but the bottle quickly overflowed …and when the flight attendant refused to let the actor use the lavatory because the crew was preparing for take-off, Gerard decided to finish on the floor.

The rep insists Gerard is “upset” about the situation — adding, “He was also stone-cold sober at the time. This is not the way he usually behaves.”

Last time I checked,  you normally have a hard time getting any pee to come out when you’re having prostate problems, not an overproduction of urine. If he had just admitted, “Hey, what can I say? I am French, zis is zee way I bee-have”, then everyone would just had nodded their heads in understanding and not thought anything of it. You expect  a Frenchman to be rude, just like you expect them to be gigantic pussy-cowards. Goes with the territory.

It was either pictures of Ashley Greene or anatomical diagrams of an enlarged prostate. Guess which one won out?

French actor Gerard Depardieu held up a flight for two hours after he urinated in the aisle of the plane because a flight attendant told him he’d have to wait until the fasten seat belt light was off to use the facilities. I’m sure he then farted in our general direction and thumbed his gigantic nose at us. The Daily Mail says:

The drunk 63-year-old actor called out ‘I need to piss, I need to piss,’ as the flight from Paris to Dublin was preparing for take-off on Tuesday evening.

But cabin crew told him that because the plane was taxiing to the runway he would have to wait until they were airborne and the seat-belts signs had been turned off.

So instead, [Depardieu] stood up, unzipped his flies and relieved himself in the cabin — to the horror of fellow passengers.

The Air France flight then returned to the stand and was delayed for two hours while it was cleaned.

I’m sure he only pissed in the aisle because he couldn’t find an American flag to pee on first. Fucking frogs, man. He couldn’t be more stereotypically French if he was wearing a beret and waving a white flag made out of cheese and German lubricant.

Actor Josh Duhamel was kicked off a flight headed from New York to Kentucky yesterday after he refused to turn his BlackBerry off in preparation for takeoff. Maybe the pilot didn’t get the memo that he was more important than everybody else on board. Yahoo News says:

A passenger on the flight said that Duhamel was “very rude” and “taunting” a male flight attendant’s repeated requests to turn off his device.

Upon the attendant’s third request, Duhamel reportedly laughed. At that point, the still-grounded plane left the runway and headed back to the gate — further delaying the flight and reportedly angering other passengers.

Two officers later boarded the plane, and escorted the Transformers actor off the vessel.

A rep for the actor [claimed] that Duhamel was simply texting about his flight being delayed. “He’s sorry,” the rep added.

No telling how many people were on board that flight, but you know they were pissed. Josh Duhamel isn’t even a real celebrity. In an independent survey of people in my house, 67% of the occupants could only identify him as “The Guy from That One Show That I’m Pretty Sure Got Canceled.” 31% referred to him as “Mr. Tinkle Britches,” and the remaining 2% vomited up the last of the Virginia Gentleman she’d been chugging upon inquiry. Unfortunately, I was unable to chart that response on my bar graph. Mostly because it seems I had barfed on the bar graph. I guess that’s where that +/- 2 percent error comes into play.

Speaking of non-celebrities, Kelly Bensimon in a bikini:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Lindsay Lohan is probably going to miss her court hearing tomorrow, but of course, it’s not her fault. Nothing ever is. It’s the divergent tectonic plates of the mid-oceanic ridges. According to TMZ

Lindsay is in Cannes to promote her upcoming Linda Lovelace biopic. She must appear in court Thursday for her probation progress report hearing — she’s required to show because she has only completed 10 of the 13 required alcohol ed classes.

But sources say she can’t get a flight back to the States because of the volcanic ash from Iceland. Airports all over Europe are jam-packed and it’s impossible to get a seat.

If Lindsay doesn’t show, the judge will issue a bench warrant for her arrest.

I know that news of the aftermath of the volcano has been circulating for two months now, but how the hell would you expect her to know anything about it? It’s not like it’s erupting Stolichnaya and Astroglide or anything remotely pertinent to a Lohan. And besides, nobody wrote about it in Us Weekly or on the back of a pack of Parliament Lights, so you can’t expect her to have read about it, either. Call her when Nevado Del Ruiz in Colombia starts blowing cocaine and semen and credit cards that aren’t already over their limit. She’ll find a way to get across the Atlantic, I guaran-damn-tee it.

Piss-drunk Professional and whoring working in Cannes last night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

Here’s Lindsay Lohan and little sister Ali Lohan at LAX. Is Lindsay afraid that she’ll have to make a sudden ditch from the aircraft? I don’t know why else she’d be wearing a fancified flight suit. Maybe that red thing she’s holding is her parachute. Hopefully Ali cut some holes in it for the culmination of her master plan to outshine and replace her big sister’s slut star with her own. Why she’s dressed like she’s taking a ride back to 1994 is beyond me, though.

Singer Amy Winehouse was her usual reserved and dignified self during a nine-hour flight from Barbados to London on Sunday. The Daily Mail says

Amy appeared from First Class, shouting incoherently and running up and down the aisles [of British Airways flight 2152].

A source [said]: ‘She had clearly been drinking. She was acting… like a child. It wasn’t funny, it was just annoying.’

There were even reports this morning that she had physically lashed out at a fellow passenger during the flight.

Upon arrival at Gatwick on Sunday morning, the singer looked distressed and jetlagged..

Just how they distinguished “distressed and jetlagged” from her usual look of “belligerent and on the verge of blackout” is a mystery to me. Maybe there was some sort of sign on her back.

Winona Ryder downed a flight from Los Angeles to London yesterday after overdosing on happy pills while on the plane. The Daily Mail says

The 37-year-old star was rushed to hospital on arrival at Heathrow and an accidental overdose of tranquillisers was today believed to be the reason.The waif-like American… collapsed twice on Flight 282 after taking too many Xantax pills, which are used to combat anxiety.

Her publicist said: ‘She did fall ill on a plane and as a precautionary measure they took her to hospital. She was there for an hour. She’s in good health. There’s no drama.’

Drama? Please! It’s Winona Ryder we’re talking about. Everyone knows that Winona has always lived a life of quiet dignity and reserve. Whether it’s ripping off a Saks’ Fifth Avenue or overdosing on a transcontinental flight, Winona always manages to maintain an air of respectability and restraint. I swear, if she wore a little crown and scepter, you’d never know she wasn’t queen from the days of yore.

At the L.A. premiere of “Milk” last week:

Remember the name Maria Esther Castillo — you’re going to be hearing it a lot today. Ms. Castillo found herself duct-taped to her seat after striking a flight attendant and assaulting the disabled during a flight to Chicago. The Chicago Tribune says

[Castillo] struck a flight attendant on the buttocks with the back of her hand [and] fell onto the head of a blind passenger and later started pulling the person’s hair. Ankle cuffs kept slipping off Castillo, so the flight crew and two passengers were forced to use duct tape to keep her in her seat, the complaint states.

Maria Esther Castillo is charged with resisting arrest and interfering with the operations of a flight crew aboard United Airlines Flight 645, from Puerto Rico to Chicago.

This just confirms my father’s belief that duct tape can be used in nearly every situation. Reattaching an amputated limb, replacing your windshield, silencing a witness — all of it. And don’t let’s forget the body hair removal perks that come with a quality adhesive! Maria Ester Castillo got that luscious Latina body hair ripped out right by the root for free. United Airlines can now boast free in-flight ankle waxing with every belligerent outburst! United — come fly the hair-free skies.