Mariah Carey’s new fragrance Dreams launches next week at Kohl’s, and to generate some free publicity, she posted a picture of herself “without makeup” (wink) on Instagram with the caption “Love to all the lambily!!! #WWLD.” But wait, it gets even better than “lambily.” Mariah told Hollywood Life:

“In [my new fragrance] Mariah Carey Dreams there are a plethora of notes that are confident and captivating, playful and inspirational. I want my Lambs to feel lambtastic when they wear it!”

That’s “lambtastic,” not to be confused with “Lady Hamtastic,” our new code name for Christina Aguilera until the defamation suit is settled. Her lawyers have no sense of humor at all.

Pearls before swine… but mostly swine:

Eva Mendes has commandeered the S.S. Fashion Fail and is sailing straight to her doom. (Moe Jackson)

Kirsten Dunst says kissing Brad Pitt was “disgusting.” Brad Pitt responds, “Ditto.” (Celebitchy)

Lindsay Lohan is allegedly a homewrecker now. I guess the label “alcoholic cokehead kleptomaniac slut” just wasn’t scarlet letter enough. (popbytes)

The worst scary movie titles of all time, including “The Gingerdead Man” and “Jesse James Meets Frankenstein’s Daughter.” (Mandatory)

The cast of Big Bang Theory dressed up in Rocky Horror Picture Show outfits to sing at Wednesday’s “A Night at Sardi’s” fundraiser for the Alzheimer’s Association. (Hollywood Backwash)

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Robert Pattinson earned a $12 million paycheck when he signed on as the petulant and forlorn face of Dior’s men’s fragrance, and now he’s pocketing another $4 million to be the birdy sunken chest of their menswear line. The Daily Mail says:

“The new advert [Robert shot for Dior] is sexually explicit,” a Dior source [revealed]. “It is pushing the boundaries of what you can get away with in advertising. Robert is topless for part of it.”

The film, which showcases the famed fashion house’s new menswear collection, will be released in May.

Interesting choice of words, “topless.” Usually with men, it’s “shirtless.” Like, no one would ever say “Hugh Jackman is topless in that one movie.” But after you’ve seen Robert Pattinson’s chest, you understand the slip-up. He’s one dri-weave texture and set of wings away from being an Always commercial.

Some of Pattinson’s finest work dubbed over by bad lip readers:

Selena Gomez has gushed like a stupid twat of a schoolgirl how she likes to smell good for “boyfriend” Justin Bieber. God, I hate teenagers. There’s nothing that makes me act like a crotchety old broad than giggly girls. Says Digital Spy,

Selena Gomez has said that smelling good for boyfriend Justin Bieber is important.

The Wizards of Waverly Place actress will debut her new self-titled fragrance in early 2012 and has promised that the scent will truly capture her essence.

“My perfume, right now, I want it to be really romantic. I want it to be sweet and sophisticated,” she revealed to Access Hollywood.

Gomez then revealed that she likes to use a variety of scents to entice boyfriend Bieber.

“To be honest, that’s what every girl thinks – that they want to smell good for the boy they like at school or for a crush,” the young star explained. “That’s what the main thing is.”

Gomez has invited her fans to help select the scents for her new perfume by voting on her website.

It’s amazing the scents they can synthesize these days in a laboratory. I’m sure it was really difficult to develop that perfect scent for Bieber. There’s all sorts of nuances to the smell of the underside of a man’s balls.

Shots from the photoshoot for her perfume:

Jumping on the celebrity-with-a-perfume bandwagon, Nicki Minaj hopes to have her own fragrance sometime soon. I’ve always wondered what “gussied-up she-male baboon” smells like. Digital Spy reports,

Nicki Minaj has expressed hope that she will be able to launch her first signature fragrance later this year.

Stars including Christina Aguilera and Khloe Kardashian have released their own perfumes in the last few months, and the ‘Moment 4 Life’ singer has now revealed that she plans to join their ranks.

“Hopefully I’ll do one this year,” Minaj told Allure magazine. “I like scents that feel summery, but have a va-va-voom. I want to smell like a sexy and confident woman, not like candy.”

Everyone thinks that smelling “summery” is a good thing. But in her case, I don’t think it would be so much “flowers and ocean breeze” as “the rank smell that emanates from a fat woman’s crack when she bends over in Wal-Mart in July”. Believe me, if she wants her scent to be unforgettable, that’s the way to go.

Being a class act with a dildo onstage:

I know I don’t look at a picture of Lady Gaga without thinking, “Boy, I wish I could smell like that.” Looks like my dreams are about to come true! Pop Eater says:

According to Fashionista, the shocking superstar is developing her first fragrance, and Mother Monster has reportedly requested that the scent “smell of blood and semen.”

I’ll save you the $59.95 and give you a DIY version: have period sex, but halfway through, stop and put a condom on before you continue. Then when it’s all done, you just dump whatever’s inside the condom into one of those fancy glass atomizers and have at it. Voila! You smell just like Lady Gaga. For free. You’re welcome!

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