Disaster was averted this past Friday by a heroic pair of underpants when Paris Hilton’s Cave of Horrors tried to unleash its curse upon an unsuspecting nightclub crowd in France. No one was hurt, but unfortunately the brave wisp of fabric was badly burned in the fray as it blocked the malodorous, caustic fumes from spreading.

Paris, Nicky Hilton and Doug Reinhard killing the last 3 brain cells they collectively share:

Paris Hilton was busted with pot in South Africa earlier this month, and now she got caught smuggling it into France. Two guesses as to whether she actually suffered any legal consequences for it. Us Magazine says:

Paris Hilton was briefly detained on the French island of Corsica Friday after local authorities found less than a gram of marijuana in her purse.

The Corse-Matin newspaper reports the heiress, 29, was held after arriving at the Figari airport from Paris and released without charge. The paper adds Hilton was traveling with “people close to power in Malaysia” and was en route to Sardinia, Italy.

I couldn’t understand how Paris Hilton could smuggle dope into two different countries and not get her passport yanked, but then I got a hold of the Motion to Dismiss documents her attorney filed and it all made sense. And now, in a Yeeeah! exclusive, I present Paris Hilton’s previously unseen legal defense:

Motion To Dismiss: Paris Hilton Possession of Less Than One Ounce of a Class D Substance

Although the facts of the case are not in dispute, those facts heretofore do not prove a prima facie case of guilt. Therefore the defendant moves the court as follows:

1. To dismiss the action or in lieu thereof to quash the return of service of summons on the grounds (a) that the defendant is a United States citizen and was not and is not subject to service of process of France, and (b) that the defendant has not been properly served with process in this action, all of which more clearly appears in the affidavits hereto annexed as Exhibit A and Exhibit B respectively.

2. Defendant is in possession of a major wonky eye. Seriously, have you seen it? She’s only operating with 25% vision outta that thing, tops. How the hell would she know what’s in her purse when she can’t see out of the whole left side of her face? I really thought she had Bell’s Palsy this whole time. Honestly.

3. Helloooo…. wonky eye? I thought we covered this already. Heretofore pursuant other legal words blah blah blah fuck you, France!

The defense rests, your honor.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Epic diddler Tiger Woods may be high-tailing it to France in the wake of his highly-publicized affairs. Popeater has the exclusive story:

Tiger Woods might have to change his passport to Tigre Woods (French for Tiger), because Naughty But Nice is exclusively reporting that the devastated golf pro is pondering a move to France thanks to the country’s media rules. Tiger, like other celebs who are ducked out in the land of cheese and wine, hopes that these regulations will help him lay low while his cocktail waitress shenanigans scandal blows over.

According to Michael Wildes, immigration attorney and managing partner at prominent NYC-based immigration law firm Wildes & Weinberg, Woods’ dash to France makes sense, because there are “much stricter privacy laws that afford the Brangelinas of the world a tinted aquarium, rather than the transparent fishbowl that is the U.S. media, in which to live and breathe in virtual freedom and privacy.”

Sure, sure, they might have much stricter privacy laws than they do here, but I’m guessing there’s another reason for the rumored move. Henry Higgins from My Fair Lady had it pegged: “The French don’t care what you do, so long as you pronounce it correctly.” Bingo!