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Whitney Houston’s family announced yesterday that there would be no public memorial service or public wake before the singer’s funeral on Saturday (although the funeral will be televised), leaving thousands of fans understandably disappointed. Almost as disappointed as Whitney’s family was when they learned that Clive Davis — who had been footing all of Whitney’s bills for the last year — would not be paying for her funeral. A source told Radar Online:

“Clive was paying the majority of Whitney’s bills before she died. He was even paying for her room at the Beverly Hilton Hotel; she was out of money. She didn’t have anything left.

Clive won’t be paying for any part of Whitney’s funeral though. Whitney’s family will be responsible for all the costs.

Whitney’s fortune is gone… music industry heavy hitters [were] supporting her and her label [was] fronting her cash against her next album. She might [have been] homeless if not for people saving her. She [was] broke as a joke.”

Is anybody really surprised to discover she was broke? Crackheads aren’t exactly known for their sound investments and fiscal prowess. Not unless you count the return on aluminum cans and most cigarette-and-homemade-shank-traded commodities.

Nina Agdal in the 2012 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue:

The body of Whitney Houston arrived in New Jersey late last night via private plane as it was revealed that Whitney will be laid to rest in her childhood hometown of Newark. People Magazine says:

The late singer’s body was flown from Los Angeles via a plane owned by actor-producer Tyler Perry.

Security was tight at the Teterboro, N.J., airport, where a gold hearse left the airport heading to the Whigham Funeral Home in Newark. About 50 fans mourning the death of 48-year-old Houston [and] sung along to some of her greatest hits and lit candles in her memory.

Houston’s invitation-only funeral will take place Saturday at noon at the New Hope Baptist Church in Newark, N.J.

Houston was born in Newark, where she began singing in church as a child in the choir.

Right after she died, I heard someone on the radio talking about the three divas up in heaven — Amy Winehouse, Etta James, and Whitney Houston — and they were waxing on and on about how they’d all be singing together and be best buds, then I thought to myself, wait… no, they wouldn’t. They’d fucking kill each other. Every last one of those bitches is crazy. Amy will just as soon beat you with her own beehive as look at you and you just know Whitney Houston’s stabbed somebody before, and Etta James — well, Etta James is old and black. I trust you’ve seen enough Tyler Perry movies to know how dangerous a combination that is.

Christina Aguilera either started her period halfway through her way through her performance at Etta James’ funeral yesterday, or the combination of the 20 extra pounds and the two-sizes too small suit made her sweat off some of that self-tanner. Either way, it’s still disgusting. And as for her performance, if you ever wondered what it would look like for someone to literally shit a brick, just watch her straining and squatting and grimacing for the next four minutes. You’ll learn more about what it looks like to shit a brick than you ever wanted to know.

Charlie Sheen’s character was killed off and Ashton Kutcher’s new character debuted on the season premiere of “Two and Half Men” last night. I doubt Charlie’s too worked up about it, though, since he just signed a settlement agreement with Warner Brothers to the tune of $125 million dollars. That’s a lot of hookers and cocaine any way you slice it. As for Ashton’s introduction, the Daily Mail says:

After taking the lid off the urn [containing Charlie's ashes], [Jon Cryer's character] makes his way towards the deck but is startled by Ashton Kutcher standing in the window, causing him to throw the ashes all over the carpet.

Enter Walden Schmidt – a billionaire whose wife dumped him causing him to attempt suicide in the ocean before ending up soaking wet on the deck of Alan Harper’s Malibu beach house.

Within a short period of time Walden, aka Ashton, has stripped out of his wet clothes and is standing completely naked in the living room.

The two men, having bonded over the women who dumped them, decide to go out for drinks where they manage to pick up a couple of women to bring back to the house.

However in true fashion, Alan gets left behind and Walden gets both ladies to himself.

He then agrees, whilst hilariously still naked, that he is going to buy the house.

The Daily Mail doesn’t have to tell me the show’s hilarious. That’s what the canned laughter is for. People don’t want to have to think about whether something is funny. Thinking is hard. They want to be led by the nose and prodded with verbal cues. If other people are laughing, then it must be funny. And look! Ashton Kutcher’s naked, which is causing Jon visible discomfort! Ha ha, it’s pure comedy gold!

Watch the full episode here; a couple of clips from last night’s Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen after the jump.

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Singer Amy Winehouse was laid to rest in London this morning, just three days after she was found dead in her Camden home. Us Magazine says:

Kelly Osbourne and producer Mark Ronson were among the mourners who said their goodbyes to the late 27-year-old Grammy winner.

The service took place at Edgwarebury Cemetery in north London, and was expected to be followed by cremation and a family gathering at a local synagogue.

An autopsy held Monday was “inconclusive” and failed to determine the cause of the singer’s death.

God only know how many different types of chemical residue there still are lingering in her system, so I’d hate to have to be the guy responsible for cremating her. Those ovens burn at close to 2000 degrees, you know. It would be all sparks and explosions and that purplish lighting you get when you accidentally microwave a burrito still wrapped in aluminum foil. No thanks.

Kelly Osbourne, Mark Ronson and Reg Traviss at her funeral this morning:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

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