Sorry for the late start today, guys. We had a massive storm during the night that knocked out the power until early this afternoon. Fortunately, I had an entire bottle of Old Grandad around and a Mister Mister cassette in the Walkman, so my morning wasn’t a total waste. When life gives you lemons, get piss-drunk off cheap whiskey, I always say. Feel free to pass that one off as your own.

Anyway, down to business: Gary Dourdan — the black guy on CSI arrested last month for heroin, cocaine, ecstasy and prescription drug possession after he passed out in his car on the wrong side of the road — went to court yesterday to be tried for his offenses. See if you can guess how much jail time you get for possessing four Schedule I and II narcotics and failing to yield at a crosswalk because you’re sleeping in your fucking car. According to the great and impartial state of California, that would be none. TMZ says

Gary Dourdan pleaded guilty to two of the felony possession charges against him and won’t have to serve any jail time. The first charged against him, for having heroin, was dropped. He pleaded guilty to the possession of coke and ecstasy charges.

Dourdan’s lawyer [says] he will enter a treatment program that consists of 30 hours of classes which usually meet once a week. The charges will be dismissed when he completes the program.

I think it’s safe to say that the only way a famous person will serve time in California is if they also have a beard and a turban and a flight plan detailing their plot to bring the Great Satan to its knees.