Nobody watches Gossip Girl no matter how much they push the envelope or gay it up. Point in question: Hilary Duff and Jessica Szohr’s “lesbian kiss” on Monday night’s episode. You won’t find word one about it in any magazine. I’m sure some outraged parents sent in a few spittle-flecked emails to the CW, but everybody knows that what old people say doesn’t count. Besides, I’m pretty sure I’ve kissed my own stepmother with more erotic verve and passion. And no, I don’t want to talk about it. It was late night and I had been drinking, okay? Who are you to judge me?
John Mayer wants you to know he didn’t kiss a guy at a gay bar in Palm Springs. US Magazine explains,
The singer, 31, took to his Twitter page to clarify tumors.
“Rumor check: went to gay bar in Palm Springs, yes. Had a blast. Danced my face off,” he began. “Someone there planted a kiss on me? No.”
Mayer — who once locked lips with celeb blogger Perez Hilton - then added, “I don’t like the story painting gays as unable to control themselves. Found the crowd even more respectful than in a straight club. You know who the most flamboyant crowd is? Straight, drunk girls. They’re like a bunch of little Charles Nelson Reillys.”
He is a goddamned LIAR. How do I know? He said he danced his face off, but from what I can tell, his fugly mug is still intact. Zing!
It’s long-been rumored that Queen Latifah is really a lesbian, but these pictures of her partying with lady strippers in a Jersey penthouse ought to pretty much seal the deal for any doubters out there. The National Enquirer says
The wild party was held at together on a regular basis for drinks. “Queen Latifah is a part of the regular group, and she was egging on the strippers to be as outrageous as they could be,” said the source.
“The strippers who were invited to the gathering happily joined the party after they performed. There’s a lot of drinking at these gathering and lots of music. Some of the ladies get so amorous that they pair off together.”
Wow. Photoshop in a couple of little girls with their eyes stitched shut doing a backwards crab walk and that picture pretty much constitutes everything my nightmares are made of.
In case you didn’t think the new G.I. Joe movie sucked hard enough, “star” Channing Tatum is bringing a new kind of shame to the the table — the naked kind. Best served warm and in your face! Us Magazine says
[We have] obtained a video of Channing Tatum, 29, dancing in a Chippendales-style revue called “Male Encounter” in 1999.
Then 18, the star performed under the alias Chan Crawford.
He was so impressive [during his year-long stint in a now-defunct Florida nightclub] that he caught the eye of a female casting agent who put him in Ricky Martin’s “She Bangs” music video.
So from all-male review to Ricky Martin’s casting couch. How’s that for climbing the proverbial ladder? Jacob’s ladder (NSFW), that is. I’d say any ladder having to do with some dude’s freshly shorn ball sack is probably a safe bet here.
Look at these pictures and tell me this guy’s not gay:
The Greeks use the word “philia” to describe the kind of love shared between lifelong friends, but “Greek” is also what prostitutes say when they’re talking about doing anal. I’ll let you decide what kind of Greek action is going on in this picture of Owen Wilson and Woody Harrelson, but unless I’ve been doing it wrong all this time, I’m pretty sure that qualifies as spooning. All the perks of doggy style without any of the impersonality!
Less gay pics of Hayden Panettiere swimming with dolphins in a Whaleman Foundation documentary:
Oh look, here’s something you don’t see every day–an angry, fat, ugly lesbian! And according Beth Ditto’sWikipedia entry, a squirrel-eating, no-deodorant, hairy armpitted lesbian! Fatty angry! Fatty smash!Digital Spy gets in on the gorilla action:
Gossip frontwoman Beth Ditto has slammed Katy Perry for being “offensive to gay culture”.
Speaking to Attitude, the singer admitted that she was unhappy with the content of Perry’s signature track ‘I Kissed A Girl’.
“[It's an] anthem for straight girls who like to turn guys on by making out or faking gay,” she explained.
“I hate Katy Perry! I’m so offended. She’s just riding on the backs of our culture, without having to pay any of the dues and not being actually lesbian or anything at all.”
Ditto is not the first celebrity to criticise the track. Last year, Pink suggested that the song “trivialised being gay” and admitted that her gay girlfriends had been “kinda put off by it”.
Well of course she’s angry. I suspect the daughter of Jabba is all pissy because she knows she can’t get her doughnut-glazed lips near Katy Perry’s cooch. I think Katy is annoying as all hell, but at least she doesn’t make Susan Boyle look like a Jenny Craig spokeswoman.
Here’s pictures of Katy Perry instead because she’s not a sea cow:
Miss California Carrie Prejean might have taken an unpopular stance against gay marriage, but it’s come to light that her own mother feels a bit differently. Turns out ol’ Mommy Prejean is all about the poonanny herself! According to Star Magazine
Miss California USA’s own mother, Francine Coppola, was entangled in a lesbian love affair right up until the night Carrie placed second in the Miss USA contest!
Openly gay sales rep Valerie Vetrano tells Star exclusively, “Yes, Francine and I dated.”
Francine’s family knew nothing of her affair, although during her 1996 divorce from Carrie’s father both made gay allegations against the other.
I was going to try to find a lesbian spin on that old saying “people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones,” but you’d be surprised how few metaphors out there reference patchouli and long-sleeved flannel.
At a press conference with Donald Trump and Shanna Moakler:
The woman selected by Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick as the surrogate for their twin girls is a self-proclaimed “bisexual rocker.” According to the Daily Mail
Michelle Ross, who has previously acted as a surrogate mother for a New York gay couplel, is reportedly due to give birth in July.
Her MySpace profile reveals, ‘I have had pink hair and tattoos and spiked collars. My favourite shoes are five-inch black spike heels which lace up the front. I love metal and rock down to the bones.’
Michelle has a tattoo on one of her wrists of an overlapped pink and blue triangle, a symbol for bisexuality. On MySpace Ross identifies herself as ‘bi[sexual].’
Well, if Matthew couldn’t carry the twins to term himself, I suppose an ugly gay woman is probably the next best thing. The twins will probably never even know the difference, anyway.
With son James Wilke Broderick in the West Village this week:
Robert Pattinson really flexes the old acting chops with this guy-on-guy kiss in a scene from his upcoming movie, “Little Ashes.” Yep, I’m sure it was a real stretch for him to play gay. Expect to see him in other equally challenging roles such as “angst-riddled teenage fop” and “Pillsbury Dough Boy come magically to life.” I think I smell an Oscar!*
*Or perhaps that’s just Javier Beltrán’s upper lip.
You know how I know that you’re gay? You’re looking at these pictures of Robert in GQ:
So much for those rumors of infidelity and gayness — Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick are expecting twins! Only someone else is gestating and delivering them, thanks to Matthew’s adult-onset vagina allergy and chronic jazz hand condition. People Magazine says
The Hollywood couple, who already have son James Wilkie, 6, announced they’re “happily anticipating the birth of their twin daughters later this summer with the generous help of a surrogate.”
Well, you know how that old saying goes — “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make a man have sex with it.” Congratulations to the happy couple!
The most unconvincing display of heterosexuality since that time your drama teacher had to fill in for the gym coach back in high school:
Before he married Gwen Stefani back in 2002, Gavin Rossdale spent half a decade of his life in the arms the man pictured above (and I use the word “man” here loosely). In Touch Weekly says
Gavin had a long-standing secret love affair with Marilyn — a male rocker who looked remarkably like Gwen. “He was the love of my life,” Marilyn [says]. Though Boy George broke the news of Gavin and Marilyn’s tumultuous romance in his 1995 book, Gavin denied it. At the time, Marilyn denied the affair as well.
But he says he did it only because Gavin asked him to. “He was just becoming successful in America,” Marilyn explains. “I agreed to lie against every grain of my being.” Now, Marilyn wants to set the record straight. In an exclusive interview with In Touch, [he says], “We were together five years, but it felt like 40.”
Gavin’s rep denies the story.
Sorry, but you don’t “used to” be gay. Just like you can’t be “kinda” pregnant or “mostly” sober. You either like the wiener or you don’t. Case closed.
Vintage shirtless Gavin for my homos and my ladies:
She’s finally all ours, ladies — disgraced Danity Kane star Aubrey O’Day has “come out” as a lesbian. Page Six says
The press-hungry star showed up… at NASCAR’s party at Marquee with a woman she introduced as “my girlfriend,” [and later added] that her dog, Ginger, was “also a lesbian.”
So she’s a lesbian now, is she? No thanks. I wouldn’t fuck that nasty bitch even if I had a bag of a hundred vaginas. And besides, I could think of a million better things to do with a bag of a hundred vaginas than scissoring with Aubrey O’Day. I might plant a couple out in the garden next to the rose bushes and see if I can’t grow my very own Richard Marx or Justin Timberlake. Maybe even toss a couple off an interstate overpass onto the windshields of oncoming traffic, just for shits and giggles. “It’s a bird! It’s a squid! No… it’s a vagina!”. And whatever was leftover I’d pass out at my Jedi Council Forum meeting, effectively securing my place as The Chosen One.
