Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun DUUUUUUUUUUUN! (that’s my trumpet, by the way). I’m SHOCKED to report, shocked I tell you, that Clay Aiken has finally come out of his pink satin-lined closet. He will be on the cover of this week’s People magazine with the headline, “Yes, I’m Gay”. The cover also has the quote, “I cannot raise a child to lie or hide things”. Yawn. Why did they even bother? Everyone and their retarded blind aunt already knew that. They could have at least come up with a more interesting title, one that hasn’t been done before. Here’s a few:

1. The Keebler Elf Really DOES love Fudge!

2. “Measure of a Man”–it’s not the size that matters

3. I Love It a “Thousand Different Ways”

4. I’m Here and I’m - Well, You Know!

5. He’s a Hard Act to Swallow

You know how I know Harry Potter’s gay? This:

Among the topics touched upon in the [October 2008 Details] interview: Radcliffe’s dream role. “I think part of me would love to play a drag queen, just because it would be an excuse to wear loads of eye makeup,” the actor tells the magazine.

You know another good excuse to wear loads of eye makeup? Having a vagina and fallopian tubes. Being gay is a close second.

You know how I know Zac Efron’s gay? Um, this:

Zac Efron just wants to be one of the girls!

The 20-year-old was so concerned about his hair backstage at the Teen Choice Awards [that] he asked to borrow a curling iron. “He said [it was for girlfriend] Vanessa Hudgens, but it was really for him!” says a source. “He said the humidity was killing his hair and that it was flat.”

Moments later, Zac was seen styling his locks.

Really, the only way this story could be any gayer is if it came with volumes 1 and 2 of “Sweaty Man Love” and a Polyphonic Spree CD.

Sarah Jessica Parker might have metaphorically been put out to pasture by her cheating cad of a husband! According to Star Magazine

While the beloved actress was frantically searching for hubby Matthew Broderick one night earlier this year, he was having sex in the city with a gorgeous redhead half his age.

After meeting in a bar, Matthew began text messaging the 25-year-old youth counselor. Soon after, they began seeing each other and things got passionate quickly when they met at the Manhattan townhouse of a showbiz friend.

I don’t buy it. Not for a second. Not because I believe in the sanctity of their marriage or anything lame like that. It’s because they didn’t once mention the redhead having a penis or smelling like Endure® Sweat Resistant Fly Spray for Horses and sawdust shavings.

SJP with Mr. Big in Vogue Magazine:

Justin Timberlake’s longtime best friend Trace Ayala has opened up about the Sexy Back singer donning a Speedo in the new cinematic stinkbomb “The Love Guru.” Trace told InTouch magazine:

“I see the kid naked all the time, so if he is wearing a Speedo, I’m like ‘Yeah! He actually has clothes on!’”

Trace also [said] that [Justin's girlfriend] Jessica helps the pair with their denim designs.

You read that right. Nude denim design. Personally, I liked this show better when it was called “Will & Grace” and aired on Thursday night primetime. “Justin & Trace” just doesn’t have the same ring to it. It also wouldn’t hurt if Jessica Biel changed her name to Jessica Beard. For continuity’s sake, you know.

Fact: If you find yourself eyeballing a testicle less than two feet from your face and you’re not a urologist or a moyle, you’re a gay. If that testicle happens to be squashed out of the side of a leather banana hammock by a guy in a cowboy hat standing over a man in a dress, you should go ahead and invest in a mushroom brush and a Bowflex and learn the difference between wainscoting and boiserie.

More of Mickey Rourke enjoying karaoke night at Rokbar in South Beach on Sunday:

Dina Lohan continued whoring out her family in the name of ratings at Project Cuddle Friday night. Addressing rumors that her daughter Lindsay is involved in a lesbian relationship with DJ Samantha Ronson, she told OK! Magazine

“If [Lindsay's] happy, I’m happy. That’s all I’ll say. Samantha’s great. I’ve known her and her family for ten years.”

So Dina’s no longer denying it, but she’s not exactly confirming it, either. That’s what’s known in television terms as a “teaser.” The announcer voice would say, “Is Lindsay gay? Isn’t she? Find out on next week’s “Living Lohan,” where Dina scours the tabloids for rumors and then latently substantiates them!” It’s kinda like sitting down to take a dump but only cranking out a couple of farts instead. Nothing of any consequence really happens, and you’re right back where you started, which is either on a toilet or watching a Lohan reality show. Six of one, in my opinion.

Lindsay in L.A. Thursday:

Kirsten Dunst’s check-in to rehab last week has been a long time in the making. Friends of the actress say she’s been boozing for years now and even blame drinking for the demise of her relationship with actor Jake Gyllenhaal. According to Us Weekly,

“Jake was turned off by all the partying,” [says] a source. Ironically, regret over the breakup led her to party more – and use cocaine and alcohol. “Whenever the cast and crew were out, she was the center of the group – doing shots and encouraging everyone to drink,” a source on her upcoming movie How to Lose Friends & Alienate People told Us. “There was no such thing as ‘just the one’ for her.”

Funny, I always thought it was Kirsten’s vagina that drove Jake away. You know, in that it’s not a penis with testicles or a pool boy’s supple anus.

Katie “Kate” Holmes wants you to know that husband Tom Cruise finds her attractive in a completely heterosexual manner. According to the NY DailyNews

Katie Holmes has the secret for turning Tom Cruise on, but now she is sharing it with the world. “Tom likes me in a suit and a mini every now and then. I like it when he likes it. It makes me blush… He’ll say, ‘You look good. I hope security’s going with you.’ Now that gives me attitude.”

Then she added, “He really likes my vagina. Loves vagina. Because he’s not gay. At all. If he were any less gay, he’d… ah, um… it’s Greek art! Those were just erotic statues! I don’t know anything about the tapes! Look, Suri! I had Suri! How could I have a baby with a gay man? It can’t happen! Science! Aaaugh!” and then a lot of hyperventilating and frantic looking around and a “He’s here, isn’t he? Oh, God, he’s here! Tell him I said he wasn’t gay. TELL HIM! ” before she folded into the fetal position and started sobbing quietly.

Katie Christmas shopping with Suri last week:

Yeah, is it just me, or is it really fucking gay in here? TMZ gays says

John Travolta and Jodi Foster came out to celebrate the Hollywood Reporter’s Power 100 in Beverly Hills on Tuesday, [where] Jodie received the Sherry Lansing Leadership Award.

Did they hold this award show in a closet? Jesus! What is Queen Latifah doing here? Where are Anderson Cooper and Jada Pinkett, then? And my “he’s-just-sensitive” uncle and my seventh grade art teacher and her “roomate?” They might as well have called this little masquerade the “Cower 100.” Usually, the only time you have this many people pretending not to be gay in one room is during a open session of Congress. Really, this must be some kind of new closet-gay record or something!

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. But sometimes a picture only says one word. And that word is BLLEEEEHHH. Sometimes they improvise with a “What the fuck?” or “God, that’s gay” or “Are their penises touching?” You really just have to close your eyes and let it speak to you.

Despite endless speculation and a slew of on again/off again rumors, Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal have finally come out as a couple. If by “couple” you mean “a beard and its gay.” The Daily Mail reports

The pair met on set of the upcoming movie Rendition and have now taken their romance public - they were spotted holding hands and canoodling during a romantic trip to Rome. Witherspoon, whose divorce from former husband Ryan Phillippe was finalised this month, had previously denied a romance with the Brokeback Mountain star. Now it’s clear their love affair is most definitely back on.

All this unexpected PDA! Whatever could have spurned them to go public after nearly a year of denying any romantic involvement? Certainly not Jake’s handlers trying to spin his self-professed love of men’s restrooms or their new movie’s dismal opening weekend. Ace of Spades says

The Vampire flick “30 Days of Night” led all movies by grossing an estimated $16 million, while Rendition came in 9th place taking $4.2 million (it cost $20 million to make). Judging by this weekend’s box office numbers, Americans just don’t care.

That’s right. We don’t. Americans only care about boobs and professional football. Like the esteemed Patrick Henry said to the tyrant King George in 1775, “Give me liberty, or give me boobs.” Also “We hold these boobs to be self-evident,” “A boob in the hand is worth two in the bush,” and “Idle boobs are the devil’s tool.” I’d say the problem with “Rendition” is too much gay and not enough boobs. It’s the same problem that plagued “Brokeback Mountain” and “Mr. Holland’s Phallus.”

Reese and Jake “canoodling” in Rome:

Reese at the Rome Film Festival: