The National Enquirer got its hands on some pics of John Travolta in full drag at an L.A. party back in 1997, exactly six years after he’d married current wife Kelly Preston. Yeeeah… you do the math. The Daily Mail says:

The magazine claims that his wife of over twenty years has left him in the wake of his cross-dressing scandal.

A ‘friend’ of the actress’ says: “Kelly told me their marriage is over and made it clear that she’s no longer living in the family home.”

“She’s put up with John’s double life for decades while his behavior remained in the shadows… but all this coming out in public has humiliated her. Kelly is absolutely destroyed.”

I don’t know what should upset Kelly more — the gay sexual assault lawsuits, the cross-dressing, or the fact that he starred in and help produce “Battlefield Earth.” That’s like approaching the American public anus-first. You never fully recover from that.

One of the formerly anonymous John Does who filed a sexual assault lawsuit against John Travolta earlier this month has been revealed, and he’s not a pilates-sculpted blonde with a Castilian lisp and a hairless chest — he’s the huge, hulking 250-pound black guy in the photo above. The New York Daily News says:

John Truesdale — formerly known only as John Doe No. 2 — is a beefy 6-footer with massive arms. He’s a certified nail technician [and] a licensed massage therapist.

So now we know without a doubt that John Travolta’s the catcher in the relationship. If you’ll excuse me, I’m off to gouge out my mind’s eye with a juice glass full of gin and some pills I found in my grandma’s medicine cabinet.

Ashley Olsen in a bikini in Maui, even though her tits are smaller than John Travolta’s:

I’m about a day four days late and a dollar short on this one, but Will Smith totally backhanded an Ukranian reporter who tried to kiss him on the lips at the MIB III premiere in Moscow last Friday. As the video amply demonstrates, Will doesn’t go for that shit. Not at all. No, if a man wants to kiss Will Smith on the mouth, then he better damn well have bought him dinner and maybe a bouquet of hydrangeas first. Just because a man’s a closet gay married to a lesbian beard doesn’t mean he doesn’t need a little romance!

The National Enquirer broke a story earlier this week that former “Cosby Show” star Raven-Symoné is a lesbian and dating “America’s Next Top Model’s” AzMarie Livingston. Never one to back down from a fight (or a buffet), Raven took to Twitter to set the record straight. Kinda. She said (via MTV.com):

I’m living my PERSONAL life the way I’m happiest. I’m not one, in my 25 year career to disclose who I’m dating and I shall not start now. My sexual orientation is mine, and the person I’m datings to know. I’m not one for a public display of my life.

It is my right as a HUMAN BEing whether straight or gay. To tell or not to tell. As long as I’m not harming anyone. I am a light being made from love. And my career is the only thing I would like to put on display, not my personal life. Kisses!

Forget the whole lesbian thing — I’m still reeling from “I’m a light being made from love.” Are you fucking kidding me with that shit? You can’t say something like that and NOT expect a public outpouring of derision and contempt! It’s the same reason you don’t wear a fanny pack or tuck your pants into your socks. It’s an open invitation for an ass-kicking.

A FOURTH man has now come forward alleging that he was sexually assaulted by John Travolta, only this guy is a personal trainer instead of a masseur or a cabin boy on a cruise ship. Radar Online says:

“The gym employee/personal trainer says that John Travolta groped and fondled him against his will,” a source close to the situation [said].

The trainer claims he would open the gym after hours for Travolta when he was on location for a film shoot.

“The gym was opened as a courtesy to John Travolta so that he could avoid the public yet maintain his fitness in this physically challenging role that he was doing at the time.”

In the grand scheme of things, though, “groping and fondling someone against their will” is still better than “performing oral sex on them while they’re asleep,” which is how he sprung his gayness on his “Grease” co-star Jeff Conway. The Daily Mail says:

Travolta allegedly tried to perform the sex act at Conaway’s home in the 1990s, Conaway’s former fiancée told the National Enquirer.

She said that her partner, who played Kenickie in the 1978 hit movie, was so upset with the incident it ended his long-term friendship with the star.

[She claims] Conaway made the claim in a suicide note that was left after a failed bid to kill himself in 2006.

There’s a T-Birds and T-Bagging joke in here somewhere, but it was two-for-ones down at the bowling alley and now my brain hurts when I think. Sorry about that. Just give me a courtesy chuckle, I’ll deftly avoid any eye contact, and we can both be on our way and forget this ever happened. Just pretend we’re Johnny Depp and the last three “Pirates of the Caribbean.”

The sexual assault and battery lawsuit that Masseur Number 2 filed against John Travolta last week won’t be going to trial, not because it’s baseless and without merit, but because both he and Travolta have agreed the case should be heard in mediation. And what does mediation entail, exactly? I’m glad you asked. Radar Online says:

“Both sides will agree to keep all transcripts sealed, as well as all witness statements, depositions, etc. The lawsuit will be heard by a private judge, who will decide how much money if any the accuser will receive. All of the proceedings will be strictly confidential.

This is done for a plethora of reasons, mainly, this will allow the masseur’s identity from being made public, and it would just be a media circus if it did go to trial. This will be the best way for the case to be heard with minimal disruption to John Travolta and the masseur’s life.”

And just as a recap, masseur number 2′s suit alleges:

While working at an unspecified resort in Atlanta, January 28, 2012, Doe Plantiff No. 2 did an in-room massage on Travolta, as the massage came to an end “Travolta suddenly turned on his stomach with his legs wide open with a full erection. He then tried to force Doe Plaintiff No. 2′s hand on Travolta’s scrotum.

Then, Travolta started to grab, rub and caress Doe Plaintiff no. 2′s upper thighs and buttocks….Travolta still had an erection and wanted his abdominals done, but Travolta’s erection was in the way and he refused to have his penis covered by a sheet of a pillow case cover…Travolta started masturbating about 15 minutes left in the session, and Doe Plaintiff No.2, said he had to go.”

It’s a tale as old as time. Boy meets man, man gets massage, man tries to make boy touch his scrotum and then jerks off when boy refuses. I think we’ve all been to sleep-away camp before.

To un-gay this post, some candids Sports Illustrated covergirl Kate Upton took during her SI shoot:

A former Royal Caribbean employee has also come forward with allegations that John Travolta sexually harassed him back in 2009 when Travolta was passenger on the cruise ship on which he worked. That now makes THREE dudes, for those of you keeping count. Radar Online says:

Fabian Zanzi was in charge of VIP guests [on the cruise ship] when the alleged incident took place. Zanzi told a South American news site that Travolta said, “He had something on his neck. I thought it was a fuzz. As I approached, he took off his white coat and was naked. He hugged me and asked me to do a massage.” Zanzi alleges that Travolta offered $12,000 to have sex with him, but he says he refused.

According to media reports, Zanzi has [also] filed a sexual harassment lawsuit against Travolta.

The way that scene went in my head, Travolta was wearing a full-length white leather duster and marabou heels, smoking a Virginia Slim through a cigarette holder while fanning himself coquettishly on a pink velveteen French armchair. Which just goes to show that sometimes, imagination isn’t better than knowledge. Albert Eisntein and those posters at the library are full of shit.

John Travolta is denouncing the lawsuit massuer number 1 filed against him on Monday by providing the above photograph and time-stamped receipt (below) to TMZ that “prove” that he was in New York on the day in question. And who doesn’t just happen to have photos and receipts from four months ago lying around the their house? That’s not suspect at all! TMZ says:

Travolta sources say they have proof positive of the location and date of the photo — New York, January 16.

And there’s more … a receipt from a meal Travolta ate at Mr. Chow in New York also on January 16th.

Besides the fact that the photo is an OBVIOUS photoshop — seriously, I could have done a better job with fucking scissors and a glue stick — you’ll note that his name isn’t anywhere on the receipt, nor is it signed. And even if it were signed, the time stamp on the receipt says 11:38 p.m. EST, which by no means accounts for the rest of his whereabouts that day. He’s a pilot and flies his own planes, so he could’ve flown him from L.A. to New York as late as 2 p.m. Pacific Time and still had time to make it back to New York for a late dinner and a time-stamped receipt. The only thing this shit proves is that John Travolta is terrible at photoshop and math.

Monday John Travolta had a lawsuit filed against him by a male masseur who claimed the actor sexually assaulted him during a session, and wouldn’t you know it, Tuesday started off the very same way for John, except with a different male masseur and a whole new set of disgusting details. I smell a scandal of Tiger Woods proportions here, folks! Radar Online says:

According to the lawsuit… the second victim alleges that while working at an unspecified resort in Atlanta, Georgia on January 28, 2012, he did an in-room massage on Travolta.

The documents state that the Plaintiff doesn’t normally do in-room massages and asked a co-worker to take the assignment, but he declined because “Travolta has been banned from a spa that the coworker used to work at in Los Angeles.”

On the morning of the massage, the lawsuit alleges, Travolta had “a strange demeanor, bloodshot eyes and climbed onto the already setup massage table…Travolta removed the entire sheet from his body, and he claimed the sheets were sticky and could not tolerate the heat…Travolta further indicated that he likes a lot of ‘Glutes’ work meaning a massage on his buttocks…While he was massaging near Travolta’s buttocks area, Travolta would open his legs and spread his butt cheeks open and had a full erection and would maneuver in a way to try to force Doe Plaintiff No. 2 to touch his anus and around his anus.”

Jesus Christ. Approaching a guy anus-first is certainly a bold maneuver, but I can’t imagine a whole lot worse than getting an eyeful of John Travolta with his ass cheeks spread. I bet it looks like the Sarlacc in the Great Pit of Carkoon, except with wads of moist black hair where the teeth and tentacles should be.

VS model Candice Swanepoel in a thong bikini to assuage the horrible mental picture I just seared into your brain:

Of course his camp is claiming it’s all bullshit, but John Travolta found himself on the business end of a lawsuit today after a male masseur he’d hired claimed the actor attempted to have sex with him during a session. No, the male masseur was not Tom Cruise in a pair of kitten heeels and a Rita Hayworth wig, but still a good guess anyway. TMZ says:

According to the lawsuit, Travolta saw the masseur’s ad online, and scheduled an appointment for $200 an hour. The masseur did not know it was Travolta when the appointment was booked, but followed instructions and met up with a black Lexus SUV, which Travolta was driving.

Travolta and the masseur, who says he saw Trojan condoms in the center console, drove to the Beverly Hills Hotel and went to Travolta’s bungalow.

Travolta stripped naked, appearing semi-erect. The masseur says he told Travolta to lay down on the table and the first hour went without incident. Then, according to legal docs, Travolta began rubbing the masseur’s leg, touched his scrotum and the shaft of his penis.

The masseur claims he told Travolta he did not have sex with his clients, but Travolta was undeterred, offering to do a “reverse massage,” adding, “Come on dude, I’ll jerk you off!!!”

The suit goes on to allege Travolta then masturbated and told the masseur he got to where he was “due to sexual favors he had performed when he was in his ‘Welcome Back Kotter’ days,” adding “Hollywood is controlled by homosexual Jewish men who expect favors in return for sexual activity.”

The masseur — who is only listed as John Doe — claims Travolta called him a loser, but then doubled the hourly rate and sent him on his way.

The suit seeks $2 million plus punitive damages.

If I had a nickel for every time I’d said, “Come on, dude, I’ll jerk you off” in order to keep some guy from leaving, I’d totally be a thousandaire by now. But on to more pressing things — things like how John Travolta’s wiener could be so completely unhampered by repeated rejections. I don’t see how you could be told no over and over again and still manage to maintain an erection. But then my last name’s not Roethlisberger or Polanski.

If you felt a great disturbance in the Force this morning, it’s probably because Rihanna’s a lesbian now. The NY Daily News says:

“I’m on my first date in almost 2 yearz,” the singer tweeted, adding that her “lover for the night” was longtime friend Melissa Forde.

[Rihanna] and Forde were photographed holding hands after having dinner at Giorgio Baldi [and] making their way over to Roxbury nightclub.

Photos that Forde posted online earlier in the night may not help squash the speculation either.

Though Rihanna is usually the one tweeting scantily-clad photos of herself, Forde was the photographer behind a series of risqué images of the singer that have since been deleted from her account.

Jesus, that chick is heinous. It’s not just the angle, either. She looks equally repulsive from the side. I guess after two years, just about anything becomes fuckable. Just ask that dude that got his wiener stuck in a park bench or that guy who was busted porking his own bicycle.

Those aforementioned “risque photos” + some from her photo shoot for Harper’s Bazaar (more after the jump):

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Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes hit the photo booth at the Vanity Fair Oscars after-party to make sure there was a blatant display of heterosexuality captured on film that his agent could mass-release to the media. Look, their lips are touching and everything! How could Tom be anything other than straight? Passion like that can’t be faked!