Meet “Late Show” assistant Stephanie Birkitt — the woman unknowingly at the center of the extortion case against David Letterman and the former girlfriend of “48 Hours” Robert “Joe” Halderman, the man accused of doing the actual blackmailing. Confused? Good. Radar Online says

Stephanie Birkitt met Halderman at CBS about 15 years ago. At the time, Halderman was in one of his two past marriages, and Halderman did not have a relationship with Birkitt.

Birkitt later got a job on Letterman’s show and has worked there for more than a decade, often appearing on air.

Our source [say] that Birkitt and Letterman slept together for a period of time before he married his girlfriend Regina had their son Harry. After Halderman divorced, the source says he got involved with Stephanie and she lived with him in Connecticut.

The source says Birkitt told Halderman that she had had sex with Letterman.

So it seems that while they were living together (and without her consent), Halderman went through Birkitt’s personal effects for proof of hers and Letterman’s affair to use to blackmail the talk show host, including

Copies of parts of a diary and correspondence belonging to Birkitt, [along with] documents, letters, emails and photos.

Jesus, I didn’t know anyone other than 8th grade girls kept actual diaries. What a stupid idea. I guess you never know when all your puffy hearts and triple-underlined “Mrs. Stephanie Lettermans” will come back to bite you in the ass.

Olivia Wilde arriving to The Late Show:

Meet George Clooney’s latest conquest, MTV Italy TRL host Elisabetta Canalis. George was photographed canoodling with the 30-year old in Rome over the weekend. It’s great, I suppose, if you’re into the whole “super-flexible swimsuit model” thing. Personally, it’s not really my cup of tea. I think “Rubenesque gossip blogger/Star Wars buff with a barely-noticeable limp” would be a way better match for the Silver Fox. Call me, George!

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Wow, it looks like Britney Spears and K-Fed did the old switcheroo! She’s gotten herself back into shape, and he’s become a big lardass. Jeebus, he actually looks like he has cankles. What do you bet that the pack of Evian water he’s carrying isn’t water at all? It’s just a false cover hiding some beer. And is that a bodyguard with them? Seriously? Who’s actually taking pictures of him anymore, anyways? I bet it’s some crippled pap who can’t keep up with everyone else, so he’s resorted to following some has-been and his girlfriend.

Seeing a movie with his two boys and girlfriend Victoria Prince

Everyone’s all excited about Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez’ photo shoot for next month’s GQ, but not because he looks like a gay porn star from 1974. It’s because his hot-ass girlfriend, Estee Lauder and Sports Illustrated model Hilary Rhoda, is wearing a bikini. You’re welcome.

He’s been linked to two different Oksanas and dozens of other women, but 53-year-old actor Mel Gibson arrived at the new X-Men premiere with Russian composer Oksana Grigorieva on his arm. Oksana is signed to Mel’s recording label Icon and reportedly two months pregnant with his bastard child. According to the Daily Mail

The Mad Max star appeared at the Los Angeles premiere of X-Men Origins: Wolverine, hand-in-hand with new love Oksana Grigorieva. The 39-year-old Russian singer’s appearance with Mel came as surprising given the fact his £640million fortune is at stake in his upcoming divorce battle.

The actor’s attendance at the premiere was unexpected as he rarely attends Hollywood events.

Even more unexpected was that Oksana appeared to have shanghaied Michael Jackson’s nose and Nikki Cox’s lips without either one of them noticing. I’ve seen CPR dummies with more natural features.

See Oksana’s lingerie pics here.

Russian pop singer/model Oksana Pochepa is claiming to be piece of ass responsible for the demise of Mel Gibson’s marriage, but the women pictured with him in Costa Rica and on the set of his new movie look nothing like her. The Daily Mail says

Oksana Pochepa, 24, said she was the unidentified female photographed with the star during his Boston shoot of new movie Edge Of Darkness. She said she was also with him on holiday in Costa Rica.

However, the fair Miss Pochepa looks very different to the dark-haired woman who visited Gibson in Boston. The woman who embraced Gibson on a Costa Rican beach also bears little resemblance to Pochepa, leaving Mel linked to and pictured with no less than four women.

Mel Gibson might be a confirmed drunk and a whoremonger, but I don’t know if we can trust this Oksana chick. Something about her story doesn’t add up. And it’s not like Russians haven’t been caught lying before. Like last year when they claimed they were still a democracy and that one time they said they weren’t drunk. I’ll believe that when I see it!

All the various kitty he’s been linked to, and a bonus Oksana music video after the jump.

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Perhaps someone who knows more about Kanye West can tell me who this charming young lady’s name is. I’m just going to call her Red Snapper, okay? Okay. She kind of reminds me of those swivel-hipped, musical instrument playing automatons in Robert Palmer’s Addicted to Love music video. Ha ha, now it’s stuck in your head, too. I wonder if the curtains match the rug?

More pictures of Kanye trawling Red Snapper:

Lindsay Lohan accompanied girlfriend Samantha Ronson as she was rushed to hospital for an overnight visit yesterday. A bit of the ol’ “monkey poisoning,” perhaps? Not quite. According to Nine MSN

Samantha is suffering from depression and exhaustion.

Oh, she’s tired, is she? Jesus H. It’s not like she’s spending her nights shepherding invalids over the Afghan border in a hand-pulled oxcart. She stands in a fucking booth and scratches records for three hours a day, once, maybe twice a week. You know what I think this little “hospitalization” is really about? Blue Cross/Blue Shield has finally implemented some of my suggestions and starting offering coverage for “ugly.” Now, to the Bat Cave to get the ball rolling on “fat” and “old!” Away!

Leaving Crown Bar this weekend looking more in love than ever:

I hope everyone out there had a wonderful Thanksgiving and enjoyed their time off! I know I did. Typing with your face is really hard and barf makes all the keys stick together, so posting hungover is never really an option for me.

And speaking of barf — gold medalist Michael Phelps is so serious about his new girlfriend Caroline Pal that he took her home to spend Thanksgiving with his family. And just who is this princess who’s captured his heart? People Magazine reveals

Pal [is] a waitress at the Palms Casino Resort’s Moon Nightclub.

The Olympic champ has been dating Pal, 26, for about two months. The two met after his record-setting performance in Beijing last summer.

Nothing like a family holiday where drinking is encouraged to test the fortitude of one’s new relationship. Especially if the new girl you’re debuting is some skank whose only talents seem to be “too ugly to be a showgirl” and “possible distant cousin of Tila Tequila.”

All class:

Comedienne Wanda Dykes Sykes officially came out of the closet on Saturday, revealing that she married her long-time partner shortly before the passage of Proposition 8 banning gay marriage in the state of California. She said (via E! Online):

“You know, I don’t really talk about my sexual orientation. I didn’t feel like I had to. I was just living my life, not necessarily in the closet, but I was living my life.

[But then] I got pissed off. They pissed me off. I said, ‘You know what? Now I gotta get in your face.’ And that’s what we all have to do now. They pissed off the wrong group of people. They have galvanized a community… Instead of having gay marriage in California, we’re going to get it across the country.”

When my wife and I leave California, I want to have my marriage also recognized in Nevada, in Arizona, all the way to New York. How can you stop people from loving each other? I am proud to be a woman. I’m proud to be a black woman and I’m proud to be gay.”

What was that? I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening. I was busy trying to bury the image of Wanda Sykes muff-diving some be-flanneled she-beast somewhere deep in my subconscious. I’m sure there’s still room in there between “summer camp with Father O’Houlian’” and “that time in high school when I found my mom’s dildo.”

Speaking of she-beasts, here’s Kim Kardashian with sister Kourtney and that dumb twat from “Laguna Beach” in Miami this weekend:

Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael is furiously back-pedaling after telling Us Weekly that his daughter’s rumored lesbian relationship with Samantha Ronson was “evident to anyone with half a brain.” He claims his comments were taken out of context, telling the NY Daily News:

“[In regards to the comment], I was talking about what Dina’s show is all about, but they left that part off. I was saying that it’s evident the show is not… about Ali, it’s about Dina.

[As far as Lindsay and Samantha are concerned, I do] not know if the two are having a relationship and [I have] not asked [her] about it. Lindsay’s life choices are up to her.”

Guys, there’s a simple test you can perform to determine whether or not a girl is a gay. You pull down your pants — sexily, of course — then gyrate your hips and begin rocking back and forth to elicit a sort of slapping motion between your testicles and penis. Here’s the test part: A woman who’s gay will kick you in the nuts, probably with a steel-toed workman’s boot or something patchouli-scented. A woman who’s straight will either swoon or point and laugh, possibly both, depending on the size of your wiener. A woman who’s Lindsay Lohan will hurt herself scrambling to get to your penis and remain hypnotized as long as you keep it moving. It’s 100% accurate every time. You just have to be careful where you perform the test. Cops outside a school yard can be real hard-ons sometimes.

The pictures Michael was referencing from that night in Cannes: