Reason #4,865 George Clooney is better than you: he gets to have sex with this. The guy’s a fucking legend, man. Really. I bow down. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s actually God who won’t say George Clooney’s name in vain.

Elisabetta Canalis. In a bikini. Stretching:

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The woman who claims to have had a one-night affair with a very married Ashton Kutcher has a well-documented history of whoredom, as evidenced by the naked pictures of her that surfaced online yesterday. Radar Online says:

The provocative photos leave little to the imagination and expose 21-year-old [Brittney Jones] in various positions on the floor and in the bed.

While Kutcher and wife Demi Moore put on a united front, those close to the mistress say… [that] the allegations [against him] are true.

And a source close to the situation confirms that Kutcher had strayed… [but added], “It was [only] a one-night stand.”

Seriously, am I the only person in the world who doesn’t have a cache of naked pictures of themselves on their computer? What the hell is wrong with these people? What if the only pictures you’ll find on my hard drive are of my pet mice in little pioneer dresses and pig-tailed bonnets peeking through the windows of their built-to-scale log cabin as part of my “Little Mouse on the Prairie” commemorative series? I suppose that make would make me the weirdo here, right? See, it just sounds ridiculous when you really stop and think about it.

NSFW:

PHOTO SOURCE: Radar Online, Egotastic

Queen Latifah has refused to answer questions about her sexuality for years now, but these pictures of her with her longtime girlfriend personal trainer on a yacht in the Med ought to pretty much tell you everything that you need to know. Namely, that scissoring doesn’t burn nearly as many calories as a closeted lesbian might think it does. It looks like somebody stuck a muskox in pair of board shorts and turned it loose on the Promenade Deck.

UPDATE: I had not realized that the infallible Sonya had already alerted you to the Queen’s overt display of gayness last week. Please enjoy these pictures of a pregnant Alicia Keys on the same yacht as punishment consolation.

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

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Lindsay Lohan is back on the labia — she reportedly has a new former Isreali soldier girlfriend in her life (the hot little number above). According to Nine MSN:

The lady-loving star has been getting pretty close to Israeli beauty Eilat Anschel.

Eilat, who completed compulsory service in the Israeli army several years ago, started out as a good “shoulder to cry on” for Lindsay. And now Lindsay’s completely obsessed.

“It’s not the healthiest relationship in the world,” says [a] source.

Apparently, she’s not so obsessed that she can’t invited dudes into her apartment at four in the morning and fuck them until their genitals chafe. Like rugby star Danny Cipriani, for example. The Daily Mail says:

[Lohan and Cipriani] were first spotted together as they left Los Angeles nightclub The Tea Room on Thursday night.

Rugby player Cipriani, who recently split from British model Kelly Brook, was spotted entering Lindsay’s apartment at around 4am just 24 hours after their first date.

From lingerie model Kelly Brook (see here, here, here and here) to Lindsay Lohan (see here, here, here and here). That’s like trading in your magic genie lamp for a butter churn that farts glitter.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame

Kim Kardashian has become the target of tween death threats after pop sensation Justin Bieber made the mistake of labeling her his girlfriend in a Twitter photo on Sunday. The NY Daily News says

Many of the pop star’s two million Twitter followers didn’t take the joke too kindly.

“I’m getting death threats from your fans!” Kardashian wrote Tuesday night. “This is unBeliebable!!!”

“ladies calm down,” he 16-year-old chart topper wrote, adding “she’s only a friend. a very sexy friend but a friend. no need 4 threats. Let’s all be friends and hang out often.”

I don’t think Kim has anything to worry about. The only people stupider than a Kardashian are 14 year-old girls. Case in point:

Egituc posted a comment 20 hours ago
those girls are just jellous

prencessa_jiji posted a comment 1 day ago
I’m jelous :@

jessallstar posted a comment 2 days ago
not dat i would,cause i’m vegetarian.but yeah… awquard silence..

decentanuj posted a comment 2 days ago
boy go home and change ur diper

_Puffy_Cheeks_ posted a comment 3 days ago
Wow Justin U look handsom and Kim is very pretty

biebfeev posted a comment 3 days ago
You would be a greate couple :*

If you’re wondering why China is going to replace us as the world’s greatest superpower within the next ten years, just check out the comments on Justin Bieber’s Twitter page. Un-fucking-believable. The American education system sure is top-notch. You could give a blind one-armed monkey a typewriter and he’d still manage to spell “great” and “jealous” correctly before they would. If the children are our future, then I’m Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2, frantically rattling the chain-link fence and screaming “NOOOOO!” at the top of my lungs before it all explodes in a cloud of pheromones and Bonnie Bell glitter gloss.

At the Grand Opening of Beach Bunny Swimwear last week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Hello my little moppets, it’s Sarah.  I hope you’re sitting down, because I’m about to blow your mind.  Jake Gyllenhaal referred to Reese Witherspoon as his “girlfriend”.  Oh my God, I like SO TOTALLY know, right?  I had to sit down for a minute to catch my breath from all the excitement.

From People:

Amid reports of “are they or aren’t they still a couple,” Gyllenhaal, 28, used the buzz word of the week – girlfriend – shortly after arriving at a Beverly Hills Hotel suite Thursday for a press conference for his new film Brothers.

“I’ve learned so much from the kids in my life, and somehow they just become the center of your life and the way you look at things,” he told Grazia Australia, referring to his 3-year-old niece Ramona (daughter of Maggie Gyllenhaal) and possibly Witherspoon’s children, Ava, 10, and Deacon, 6. “Obviously I exist in my girlfriend’s world and my sister’s world in a different way, but it’s opened my heart and I feel much more grown up and want to be grown up as a result of it.

“As I get more famous, there is less that is just mine so I hope you understand I want to protect that as much as I can,” he says. “I understand the news cycle, I really do, but as we all know news cycles come and go and I don’t have to comment on them.”

Wait, what?  I’m sorry, I fell asleep at some point.  Oh hey look, Spongebob’s on!  I gotta go.

George Clooney’s latest piece Elisabetta Canalis strips down to her undies in the January issue of German FHM. God damn. I think it’s safe to say at this point that the only person who has had more asses in his lap than George Clooney is Santa Claus.

One more from FHM, plus a couple from the November issue of Maxim:

Rumer Willis will be playing Jessica Lowndes’ lesbian girlfriend on an upcoming episode of 9021Nobody Gives a Shit Anymore. Seriously, is that the best they could do? Rumer fucking Willis and her big fat potato head? I don’t think that would make Jessica a lesbian as much as it would make her a Lachanophiliac, or “lover of vegetables” to the layperson. And by the way, you would not BELIEVE the evils that come up when you type “vegetable fetish” into a search engine. Dear God. I’m not going to link any of it, but just think of an alternate meaning for the word “vegetable” that has nothing to do with a plant. Yes. Now you’re getting it. I’m pretty sure we’re both going to hell now.

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Meet “Late Show” assistant Stephanie Birkitt — the woman unknowingly at the center of the extortion case against David Letterman and the former girlfriend of “48 Hours” Robert “Joe” Halderman, the man accused of doing the actual blackmailing. Confused? Good. Radar Online says

Stephanie Birkitt met Halderman at CBS about 15 years ago. At the time, Halderman was in one of his two past marriages, and Halderman did not have a relationship with Birkitt.

Birkitt later got a job on Letterman’s show and has worked there for more than a decade, often appearing on air.

Our source [say] that Birkitt and Letterman slept together for a period of time before he married his girlfriend Regina had their son Harry. After Halderman divorced, the source says he got involved with Stephanie and she lived with him in Connecticut.

The source says Birkitt told Halderman that she had had sex with Letterman.

So it seems that while they were living together (and without her consent), Halderman went through Birkitt’s personal effects for proof of hers and Letterman’s affair to use to blackmail the talk show host, including

Copies of parts of a diary and correspondence belonging to Birkitt, [along with] documents, letters, emails and photos.

Jesus, I didn’t know anyone other than 8th grade girls kept actual diaries. What a stupid idea. I guess you never know when all your puffy hearts and triple-underlined “Mrs. Stephanie Lettermans” will come back to bite you in the ass.

Olivia Wilde arriving to The Late Show:

Meet George Clooney’s latest conquest, MTV Italy TRL host Elisabetta Canalis. George was photographed canoodling with the 30-year old in Rome over the weekend. It’s great, I suppose, if you’re into the whole “super-flexible swimsuit model” thing. Personally, it’s not really my cup of tea. I think “Rubenesque gossip blogger/Star Wars buff with a barely-noticeable limp” would be a way better match for the Silver Fox. Call me, George!

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

Wow, it looks like Britney Spears and K-Fed did the old switcheroo! She’s gotten herself back into shape, and he’s become a big lardass. Jeebus, he actually looks like he has cankles. What do you bet that the pack of Evian water he’s carrying isn’t water at all? It’s just a false cover hiding some beer. And is that a bodyguard with them? Seriously? Who’s actually taking pictures of him anymore, anyways? I bet it’s some crippled pap who can’t keep up with everyone else, so he’s resorted to following some has-been and his girlfriend.

Seeing a movie with his two boys and girlfriend Victoria Prince

Everyone’s all excited about Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez’ photo shoot for next month’s GQ, but not because he looks like a gay porn star from 1974. It’s because his hot-ass girlfriend, Estee Lauder and Sports Illustrated model Hilary Rhoda, is wearing a bikini. You’re welcome.