Supermodel Gisele Bundchen gets naked except for a trench coat in her first modeling campaign since it was revealed she was pregnant last month. Except you might have noticed they photoshopped all the pregnancy parts out. Makes perfect sense!

[London Fog] admits that the new advertising campaign saw Gisele’s body ‘retouched’ in pictures.

“Nobody is sexier or more beautiful than Gisele Bundchen in nothing but a London Fog trench coat, even with her visible baby bump,” said [the] Chief Marketing Officer. “Although Gisele was photographed while pregnant, most of the shots have been retouched to respect her privacy during this wonderful and personal time in her life.”

“Respect her privacy?” I’ve never heard it put that way. That must be fashion speak for “nobody buys stuff from fat chicks.”

PHOTO SOURCE: Splash News

Hi, boys and girls! It’s Abby. I’d like to take this opportunity to welcome myself back into the fold and thank all of you for your prayers and kind comments last week. And thanks especially to Sarah, who somehow manages to raise the bar even higher every time I go away and makes it look effortless in the process.

But now it’s time to take the bar and fuck yourself in the ass with it, because I’m the one writing today. God, it’s good to be back! MSNBC says

Supermodel Gisele Bundchen’s star is fading.

The May issue of Vanity Fair, in which Bundchen appears nearly naked on the cover (and inside the magazine), is the lowest-selling issue of the publication in nearly two years.

Vanity Fair [confirms] that the issue sold only 280,000 single-sale copies.

“It might be that she’s losing her looks,” spokeswoman Beth Kseniak joked to the New York Observer.

Um, no. Gisele Bundchen isn’t losing her looks. It’s that thanks to the internet, naked ladies are now a dime a dozen. I see approximately 3,583 naked ladies a day without even trying. I can’t not see naked ladies when I’m on the computer. The scientific term for this phenomenon is “desensitization.” You might know it better as “if she’s not wearing a pair of plastic panties she just shat in and tethered to a one-eyed ostrich in a gimp mask, I’m not buying.” Thanks for the good times, Information Superhighway!

Ever heard that old joke that goes, “What’s better than a supermodel in a swimsuit?” Well, just so you know, the answer is supposed to be “SIX supermodels in a swimsuit.” If you answer “A pocket full of roofies and a hand-held video camera,” everyone stars staring at you all weird and covering their drinks.

From V Magazine’s first ever swimsuit issue starring Kate Moss, Gisele Bundchen, Claudia Schiffer, Naomi Campbell, Eva Herzigova, and Daria Werbowy:

It’s official — Gisele Bundchen is now Mrs. Tom Brady! According to Us Weekly

Gisele Bundchen and Tom Brady wed [yesterday] at the St. Monica Catholic Church.

The bride, 28, donned a form-fitting ivory lace strapless gown with a trumpet skirt, scalloped edges, long train and a floor-length veil with attached handmade satin roses and attached satin headband, all by Dolce & Gabbana. Her three dogs also wore matching Dolce & Gabbana floral lace collars.

The ceremony — which began at dusk — was “very small and intimate” — guests mostly consisted of immediate family.

Does anybody else see what’s going on here? Eugenics, baby! Eugenics! Let’s consider the facts: Tom Brady looks like he was sculpted by Michelangelo himself, and Gisele might as well have been birthed from the sea on scallop shell surrounded by Zephyrs. Now look to your left and right. Is there anyone in your office/school/mother’s basement that is even remotely as attractive as these two? You know goddamn well there isn’t. The world is rife with uggos and fatties and wheezing invalids that should have been weeded out of the gene pool years ago but managed to be kept alive by the miracle of modern medicine. And so now, it begins. The master race. Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World. Now we just wait for the Bokanovsky to process replace the immigrant work force and drink our Soma like the good little World State citizens we are.

In a bikini and on a photoshoot at Santa Monica beach:

I know if I were Tom Brady, I’d sure as hell find a reason to sit out an entire season. I’d smash open my knee with a goddamn sledgehammer if it meant I got to stay home with the likes of Gisele Bundchen. Besides, I’m sure we’d manage to think of some way she could nurse me back to health. Literally.

In the February issue of Elle magazine:

Worth1000 has worked their digital wizardry on the likes of Amy Winehouse and Keira Knightley in their latest photoshop endeavor, “Celebrities as Body Builders.” Sadly, this may be the best Amy Winehouse has ever looked in her life. She’s like what Madonna would look like if she were an actual Jew or even slightly effeminate in the least.

More digitally-altered actress hijinx:

Gisele Bundchen makes the most of some acid-washed denim scraps in the August issue of V magazine, single-handedly making eighties fashion relevant again. I’m so stoked! Now I just break out my Human League albums and my totally boss day-glo leg warmers and wait for the yuppie fallout to ensue. Who’s the dweeb-o-rama now, dickweeds? Validation is mine!