I was going to tell you a joke about Reese Witherspoon’s chin, but it was just too long. Ha ha, get it? Too long? Because it was the length of her chin to which I was referring, rather than the duration of the joke itself? It’s a little something called “double entendre,” from the French for “yeah, I know it’s still not funny, asswipe.”

I’ve never thought Amanda Seyfried was all that good-looking, but hell if dressing her up like a Fembot doesn’t make her look sexy. If you can look past the souless eyes that look like they belong on a Barbie Styling Head or an alien right before it sheds its human form.

Britney Spears is all tanned legs and blonde extensions on the cover of next month’s British Glamour magazine. Too bad the gams aren’t hers and the hair isn’t real. The Daily Mail said:

She may be knocking on 30 but pop star Britney Spears could still pass as a teenager if her latest Glamour magazine shoot is anything to go by.

The blonde singer showed no signs of her troublesome 20s, and certainly no signs of aging.

Looking fresh faced and blemish free, Britney told the monthly magazine that she’s looking forward to welcoming her 30s this December.

I’ll agree — Britney looks fantastic in these pictures. Mostly because it’s not her. It’s an artist’s rendering of her. I could draw a stick figure on a post-it note and it’d still be more anatomically believable than the Britney Spears in these pictures.

Victoria’s Secret model Candice Swanepoel is on the cover of next month’s Vogue Portugal looking decidedly less skeletal than she has in recent months, but that’s only because they’ve digitally widened her right arm to the point that it doesn’t even have an elbow anymore and then angled said arm to disguise her actual waist. Seems like a lot of work if you ask me. They could have saved themselves a fortune in editing just by investing in some of those famous Jessica Simpson chili cookoff jeans. Even a Somalian refugee with full-blown AIDS would look fat in those things.

Former VS model Laetitia Casta in the July issue of French Glamour, because she doesn’t look like she just escaped Auschwitz:

These pics are supposedly from Gossip Girl actress Blake Lively’s spread in next month’s Glamour magazine, but I don’t know if it’s really her. On one hand, she hasn’t publicly denied the photos’ authenticity yet, so maybe they are real. On the other hand, her mole looks kinda different, and I’m pretty sure she parts her hair on the other side, and I also vaguely remember her wearing a blouse like that in Spain in August of 2007, so it could very well be the work of photoshop. The only way we’ll know for sure is to compare these with the leaked nude pics from last night, because if there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s that those are for damn sure Blake Lively, no matter what her rep might try and tell the press. I’m sure it’s just a “coincidence” that her new movie happens to open next week!

If you squint hard and lean in from the left while tilting your monitor at a 45 degree angle, you can almost make out an eighth of Lea Michele’s nipple in these outtakes from her Glamour magazine photoshoot. By my calculation, that’s still 1 and 7/8ths nipples too few for me to ever watch an episode of Glee.

There are only three words you should ever say when looking at pictures of Olivia Wilde: “yes” and “more, please.” Incidentally, those are also the only three words one generally need to say on Cinco de Mayo, with the exception of “Is there a problem, officer?” and “Don’t worry, it’s not contagious.” ¡Arrrrrrrriba!

Kim Kardashian says a lot of uninteresting crap in the February issue of Glamour magazine, but I’m not gonna bore you with any of that when there’s tits to be had! May it never be said that I ever stood in the way of you and a spectacular pair of boobs. Not unless they were being lowered down onto my face by a woman in a g-string stuffed with dollar bills.

Rihanna was named Woman of the Year at the annual Glamour magazine awards at Carnegie Hall in New York on Monday night. According to Entertainment Wise

The 21-year-old singer was honored for her courage following her assault by ex-boyfriend Chris Brown in February.

Model Iman presented Rihanna with her award, saying she had “impressed with her honesty and courage. She has taken her own scars and used them to create a new story of strength and awareness.”

The singer, who had her blonde hair swept to one side, appeared emotional on stage and joked: “Sorry, I’m PMS-ing.”

Good on Glamour Magazine. Nothing says “empowered female role model” like a chick who reconciles with the guy who beat the living fuck out of her; a chick who doesn’t press charges against him in court despite the DA’s pleas; a chick who only even decides to address the assault a year and a half later because it’s the week that her new album drops and it’s an easy way to get a lot of free press. Maybe next year Glamour can honor Stormy Daniels for her work in “Hickory Dickory Cock” and “Supertits.” She’s almost as inspiring as Rihanna is.

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News, Bauer-Griffin

Over a year and a half after it happened, Rihanna is finally opening up about the beating Chris Brown gave her in next month’s issue of Glamour magazine. She says in the interview (via Reuters):

On the ordeal with ex-boyfriend Chris Brown: “I went to sleep as Rihanna and woke up as Britney Spears. That was the level of media chaos that happened the
next day.”

On her message to young women: “My story was broadcast all over the world for
people to see, and they have followed every step of my recovery. The positive thing that has come out of my situation is that people can learn from that. I want to give as much insight as I can to young women, because I feel like I represent a voice that really isn’t heard. Now I can help speak for those women.”

On how she made it back: “My friends and family have been extremely supportive, and everyone has been there for me. But at some point you are there alone. It’s a lonely place to be — no one can understand. That’s when you get close to God.”

Another time you get close to God? When you wake up bleeding from the anus in a drainage ditch off I-40 without any pants or memory of the last three days and there’s two men in overalls with shovels standing over you. Let me tell you, Jesus and I were never closer.

Taylor Swift is in the August ’09 issue of Glamour, and I’m still not fond of how her hair always looks like a wig, but I like her anyway.  She’s cute and seems like a nice person.  Sure, she’s kinda boring, and her songs are insanely catchy and they burrow inside my brain like worms and then camp out there and drive me totally crazy, but I still like her.  Then again, there are things deeply wrong with me.  I’m obsessed with iCarly, for instance, which is a Nickelodeon show for 13-year-olds.  It’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen and I can’t stop watching it and I love it so much.  So basically what I’m saying is that no matter what I say, you should keep in mind that I have a minimum of seven undiagnosed mental disabilities.

The hell was I talking about?  Oh yeah.  Taylor Swift.  She’s in Glamour, and she looks super cute, and some of these pictures are really teeny but what do you bitches want from me?  Maybe I would do a better job if you bought me Season 1 of iCarly on DVD.  I need that shit!

Taylor Swift in the August ’09 issue of Glamour:

“Slumdog Millionaire” star Freida Pinto sexes up the pages of next month’s Maxim magazine, but you wouldn’t know it was her to look at the pictures. I don’t know why Maxim insists on photoshopping the hell out of everything they touch. Just compare the picture above with this picture from next month’s Glamour. I wouldn’t even think the two women were related, much less the same person. Unless it was for her role as Teri Hatcher’s evil Latina twin, I’d say Maxim really fucked this one up big time.

Maxim and Glamour pics, plus a bunch of older ones from various T&A magazines: