Paris Hilton might be “famous,” but among legitimate celebrities she might as well be a leper. Case in point:

Paris Hilton hid in the bathroom at Creative Artist Agency’s big post-Golden Globes bash Sunday night after CAA… caught her slipping in uninvited — and loudly demanded she be removed from the Sunset Towers party. “[The CAA event planner] was outraged at her sense of entitlement, and he was adamant that she be removed,” an eyewitness confides to us. “He was storming around, yelling ‘Who let her in? She is not invited, and somebody had better get her out of here immediately!’”

LAPD security and event planners had to wait for the heir-head to exit the powder room so they could toss her, and finally — a good 15 minutes later — she emerged looking red-faced and embarrassed.

Even more shocking was the news that Paris Hilton had been found in a public restroom without some dude’s ball sack on her chin. I guess there’s a first time for everything!

At the People’s Choice Awards:

The 66th Annual Golden Globes Awards were last night, and I held fast to my tradition of watching “The Big Lebowski” while high as a kite instead. Try it yourself and I believe you’ll find the Golden Globes infinitely more tolerable that way. I mean, say what you want about the tenents of National Socialism — at least it’s an ethos. Am I right?

And speaking of high as a kite, a visibly impaired and cloying Cameron Diaz managed to fuck up Angelina Jolie’s name while presenting and trying to be cute (clip above). But even that wasn’t the most annoying moment of the night. Kate Winslet (keep watching) nabbed that distinguished honor after blathering on at the podium for five minutes and panting and gasping like Fatty McGee after taking a flight of stairs. People Magazine says

A breathless Kate Winslet, the first winner of the night at Sunday’s Golden Globes as best supporting actress for The Reader… was also named best leading actress in the drama Revolutionary Road.

Winslet, along with Mickey Rourke, Colin Farrell, Happy-Go-Lucky’s Sally Hawkins, the late Heath Ledger, Slumdog Millionaire, and Woody Allen’s Vicky Christina Barcelona were the top winners in the film categories.

The HBO miniseries John Adams, AMC’s Mad Men and NBC’s multiple-winner 30 Rock took TV honors.

Blah blah blah who cares. Look, if I’m gonna watch a group of people in ridiculous costumes shamelessly kissing each other’s asses for four hours, I’m not going to do it on network fucking TV. I’m going to rent “Starship Poopers” and “Backdoor Bandits on Big Butt Row” and get my damn money’s worth. And also maybe stain the couch.

Complete list of the night’s winners here.

Various stars at the Golden Globes after party, starting with Vanessa Hudgens and Kyra Sedgwick:

Christina Applegate and Kate Beckinsale:

Drew Barrymore and Eva Mendes:

Olivia Wilde and Melissa George:

Like my beautiful, beautiful “Office,” The Golden Globe Awards are the latest to fall victim to the writers’ strike. People magazine reports

Organizers said Monday they’ve officially abandoned the televised formal ceremony this Sunday and will replace it with a press conference announcement of the winners. Instead of the lavish ceremony, the HFPA will now announce the winners at an hour-long press conference broadcast on NBC.

I cannot imagine a life without scripted Hollywood self-congratulations. Like genocide and Carrot Top, it simply should not exist in our day and age. Anyway, to keep myself from cutting, I grabbed my a couple of Barbies and enacted my own — totally scripted, of course — Golden Globe Awards show in my mom’s basement. You have to do the voices right and shake the Barbies when it’s their turn to speak and all, but I swear it’s just as good as watching the real thing. Here’s a little taste:

Blonde Barbie: Welcome here, famous actress! You’re so awesome!

Brunette Barbie: No, you’re awesome! And thank you!

Blonde Barbie: No, thank you!

Other Blonde Barbie: How gorgeous am I? God, I love myself!

Blonde Barbie: Awesome!

Brunette Barbie: And now, a tribute to ___ famous person.

(Lights dim)

(Lights up)

Other Blonde Barbie (sighs): God, he was awesome, wasn’t he?

Brunette Barbie: Totally awesome.

Blonde Barbie: Is that Zac Posen you’re wearing?

Brunette Barbie: No, it’s Max Azria Altier!

Blonde Barbie: Awesome!

Other Blonde Barbie (seriously): But Africa.

Brunette Barbie: Darfur Dalai Lama.

Blonde Barbie: It’s pronounced High-GUL.

Brunette Barbie: AIDS!

Other Blonde Barbie: It’s about time for me to make myself throw up again.

All Barbies Together: Awesome!

That’s about the time you pause for a seven-minute commercial break. See? All the scripting you could ever want, and you can make Blonde Barbie and Brunette Barbie make out at the end.

EDITOR’S NOTE: The Critic’s Choice Awards, however, were NOT affected by the writer’s strike. Click here for a complete list of the night’s winners, and enjoy surrogate of the devil Kate Holmes presenting in John Belushi’s new line of formal wear: