I’m back, bitches! That’s right — your beloved Abby is behind the wheel again, bigger and better than ever. Not that I was all that good before, really. It’s all relative. Just like date night at Miley Cyrus’ house. Zing!

Anyway, in super boring you’re-telling-me-they-actually-have-sex news, Nicole Richie is pregnant again. Joel Madden wrote on Good Charlotte’s website

I am so happy to tell everyone that Harlow is going to be a big sister! God has truly blessed my family. Hope your all feeling as good as i am right now………

You know, they never actually come out and say which one of them is pregnant, but I’m pretty sure it’s Nicole. From what I remember from health class, being a gigantic vagina isn’t enough to actually gestate a fetus. You really needs womb for that.

At the Art of Elysium’s 2nd Annual Black Tie Charity Gala:

Don’t be fooled by these pictures of Paris Hilton smiling concernedly at South African school children. The world’s biggest attention whore isn’t on the Dark Continent as part of a philanthropic mission; she’s there because her douchebag boyfriend’s band is set to perform in Johannesburg over the weekend and the little bastards presented another chance to get her picture taken. The Daily Mail says

The 27-year-old spent part of her time on a trip to South Africa posing with children and signing autographs for young fans at Jakaranda Kinder Huis school in Pretoria. Wearing a demure white outfit, floppy hat and serious expression, Paris appeared to be trying to refashion herself as a jet-setting do-gooder. The Simple Life star was in South Africa to support boyfriend Benji Madden, whose band Good Charlotte are performing at the My Coke Fest over Easter.

Unfortunately, there aren’t any pictures of the throngs of bare-breasted Zulus that immediately swarmed out of the Yellow Fever vaccination tent to snatch up their children and scream “Do you not know where that crotch has been? Even the spirits of our ancestors cannot protect you against such skank! Go, now, and sacrifice a chicken to appease our forefathers!” I guess even a fatal bout of the yellow jack is still better than turning your children over to the Hilton Herp.