So to make up for posting pictures of Roseanne Barr earlier, here are some pictures of Gwyneth Paltrow in a bikini. I personally find her insufferably full of herself with her stupid GOOP website from which she bestows us peasants with her inspired ideas from on high.  But she still has a nice body, so I give you permission to ogle her. So here she is in Barbados, which I’m sure she’ll give all sorts of helpful tips for when you plan your yearly trip there. What? You can’t afford to go to Barbados? Poor plebeian. I’m sure it’s your fault that you’re not as rich and successful as she is. If you would just live your life with a little more GOOP, you could be just like her.

Inspecting the water in Barbados:

Nobody really likes Gwyneth Paltrow because she’s always running her mouth off about some loony, half-baked pretentious nonsense.  Her New Year’s resolution is no exception, and she’s used the latest issue of her doofy newsletter GOOP to ramble about how she needs to learn to meditate because her brain “drives her mental”:

My New Year’s resolution is to learn how to meditate. It’s always sounded like something I should do, but I don’t know how to. My friends who do it say it’s really freakin’ brilliant. They say you can’t know the peace/awareness/contentment until you do it. My brain drives me mental. I am going to start. Tomorrow. I asked three amazing people to share how they achieve this bliss. Their approaches are different but I think they are pretty much landing in the same spot.

I think I get it.

Oh shut up, Gwyneth.  You’re such a tool.  Why couldn’t you have made a practical, constructive New Year’s resolution?  Something humanitarian like, “This year, I resolve to die in a fire.”

Oh look, it’s Gwyneth Paltrow, apparently in the midst of a Seussian psychotic episode wherein she thinks she’s the goddamn Cat in the Hat or some shit.  I fully expect to see this millinery monstrosity in the next edition of GOOP, probably listed at a price of about €850.

On her way to the gym (or possibly to an audition for Seussical: The Musical):

Gwyneth Paltrow lubed herself up with some baby harp seal blubber and oozed her way onto The Tonight Show to have a nice chat with Conan O’Brien.  She’s so shiny I’m pretty sure you could see her vapid ass from space.  She’ll probably wax poetic in the next issue of GOOP about how you, too, can look like you swam in a vat of petroleum jelly for the bargain price of just €699.95 (or three quarts of fresh blood from a young virgin).  God, she’s so annoying.  There’s video, but it’s almost six minutes long and it’s not remotely funny or interesting and at one point Gwyneth says some weird shit about how her son thinks every white guy he sees is his father and then she tries to make it sound less racist by backtracking with something about how her kid thinks Metallica sounds exactly like Coldplay because apparently all white dudes sound the same and HOLY SHIT WHY WON’T THIS DUMB BITCH EVER SHUT UP?