Gwyneth Paltrow lubed herself up with some baby harp seal blubber and oozed her way onto The Tonight Show to have a nice chat with Conan O’Brien.  She’s so shiny I’m pretty sure you could see her vapid ass from space.  She’ll probably wax poetic in the next issue of GOOP about how you, too, can look like you swam in a vat of petroleum jelly for the bargain price of just €699.95 (or three quarts of fresh blood from a young virgin).  God, she’s so annoying.  There’s video, but it’s almost six minutes long and it’s not remotely funny or interesting and at one point Gwyneth says some weird shit about how her son thinks every white guy he sees is his father and then she tries to make it sound less racist by backtracking with something about how her kid thinks Metallica sounds exactly like Coldplay because apparently all white dudes sound the same and HOLY SHIT WHY WON’T THIS DUMB BITCH EVER SHUT UP?