October 18th’s Saturday Night Live had ratings not seen since the night that Olympic medalist Nancy Kerrigan hosted fourteen years ago, thanks to Alaskan governor and Vice Presidential hopeful Sarah Palin’s “surprise” appearance. Yup, the real Sarah Palin. The one that kills moose and plays the flute in a french-cut bathing suit. She showed up in the opening sketch, along with trying-to-undo-the-crybaby-bitch-image Marky Mark, and then sat in on the evening news while Amy Poehler performed an impressive Sarah Palin-themed rap. Sarah’s husband Todd also made an impromptu appearance during the rap segment, accompanied by fake snow and a man in a moose costume. I kept waiting for her and Tina Fey to strip down to bikinis and oil wrestle or challenge each other to a topless jump rope-off, but no dice. I guess that might have been a little too “politically charged” for the McCain ticket. Leave it to the Republicans to just want to play it safe!

Unless you’re deaf and blind and terrified of the television, you’ve been made adequately aware of the prostitution ring scandal in which former New York governor Eliot Spitzer was embroiled this week. I say former New York governor, because as all you non-blind deaf television-phobes know, The Ass Bandit resigned yesterday. God knows the citizens of New York don’t want some jackass willing to drop eighty grand on pussy overseeing the state’s 2008 budget! (”Now, I see the ‘public education’ and ‘labor and workforce development’ allocations here, but where are the funds for the ’super hot pussy?’ Did I miss it?”) Anyway, what we’ve all been wanting to know — who was this mystery hooker “Kristen,” and what the hell could she possibly be doing that costs $4700 a night? Page Six reveals

Her real name is Ashley Alexandra Dupré, and according to her MySpace profile, she loves music and she looks up to her brother. The… 22-year-old singer fled “an abusive home” at the age of 17. In 2004 she arrived in New York City, where she says she spent two years trying to make it in the music biz.

“I have been alone. I have abused drugs. I have been broke and homeless. But, I survived, on my own. I am here, in NY because of my music,” the woman known as “Kristen” says on her MySpace profile. “I can honestly tell you to never dwell on the past, but build from it and keep moving forward,” she writes. She describes her song “What We Want” as being “about trust, something my past has made very difficult for me to feel,” and that it was “inspired by a guy, who taught me not to confuse my dreams with the sounds of the city.”

And just like that, I can guaran-damn-tee this dumb twat’s song will get radio play. After it makes the rounds on the gossip blogs and network television first, of course. Followed by several morning show interviews, a tell-all book, her own makeup and/or clothing line and possible made-for-TV movie. Because all it takes to break into the elite strata of celebritydom in these great United States is to suck off somebody rich or famous and get caught doing it. Even better if you make a tape of yourself doing it so you can sell it online and really saturate the market. Some people might try to tell you that diversifying your funds or investing overseas is the best way to secure your financial future, but I’m here to tell you your ticket to early retirement is actually hidden is some old white dude’s pants. The path to financial freedom is only a zipper away!

Feed the monkey and listen to her shitty song at Page Six or visit her MySpace here.