After looking at these pics of former Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue covergirl Brooklyn Decker in GQ, I’m convinced I could totally be her body double. In that it’d take two of her to make one of me. The only thing that I have in common with this woman is that I also sweat when I struggle to sit up.

My recent foray into bitterness and crappy Moscato got me to thinking: how could I possibly make myself feel even worse today than I did yesterday, even though I’m out of wine and lighter fluid? And then I thought, “Oh, yeah! How about some pictures of an airbrushed-beyond-perfection lingerie model who’s ten years younger than me and the very manifestation of idealized and unattainable Western beauty?” Yep, that does the trick alright. Like my mom always said, if I’m going down, then I’m taking all you fuckers with me.

Candice Swanepoel in next month’s British GQ:

Victoria’s Secret model Karolina Kurkova is so incredibly beautiful that you could almost forget she doesn’t have a belly button. Almost. There are two logical conclusions to draw regarding her mysterious lack of navel: 1) that her beauty was self-sustaining in utero, negating a need for a placenta and umbilical cord-assisted gestation; or 2) she was grown in a lab by an evil scientist who wants to take over the world by creating an army of supermodel assassins just like her. Yeah, my money’s on the second one, too.

Olivia Wilde is British GQ’s Comedy Special cover girl, and while she’s definitely not the first woman that springs to mind when you think “comedy,” she’s not above making her boobs talk. You know, manually bouncing them with each syllable of the words “I’m Olivia Wilde, and welcome to the GQ Comedy Issue.” It’s a sophisticated humor. I don’t expect everyone to get it.

Jennifer Aniston and Paul Rudd’s new movie “Wanderlust” comes out February 24th, so Jen strips down to her bra and the two of them playfully wrestle (and no doubt playfully banter) in next month’s GQ. I don’t know… everything Jennifer Aniston does just seems so rehearsed. It’s almost like she had already acted it out with her dolls beforehand.

I don’t know what happened to Keira Knightley. She’s so pale and sickly-looking now. Not to say that she’s not still beautiful, because she is — she just looks like a vampire skeleton. If anemia and anorexia turn you on, then you just stumbled on a gold mine, my friend.

After fourteen years and two children together, Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis are reportedly calling it quits. People Magazine says:

Multiple sources [claim] that the relationship is all but officially finished.

Depp, 48, and Paradis, 39, who are parents to Lily-Rose, 12, and Jack, 9, have not appeared side-by-side on a red carpet for more than a year.

In fact, some in their circle say the couple of nearly 14 years have already split. Says one insider: “It’s so sad.”

Man, that IS sad. But you know what isn’t sad? Behind-the-scenes pictures from the Victoria’s Secret fashion show. But then you know what’s sad again? The pictures are slightly out-of-focus because some faggot at GQ thought he was being “artsy.” I don’t know how much more of this emotional roller coaster I can stand.

Lily Aldridge, Candice Swanepoel, Alessandra Ambrosio, Doutzen Kroes and Isabel Goulart in the February issue of GQ:

This just goes to show you what a nose job, platinum blonde wig and a shitload of makeup can do for a gal. It worked for the real Marilyn Monroe, so why not the actress playing the part of Marilyn Monroe in an upcoming movie? It’s art imitating life… imitating life imitating art. No, that’s right. An extraordinarily average looking girl gets manufactured into a glamorous starlet (Michelle Williams real life) in order to star in a movie (art) based on the real Marilyn Monroe (life) and pose for a subsequent promotional photoshoot for GQ magazine (art). If you’re high right now, I probably just blew your motherfucking mind. I’ve been sitting in the corner rocking back and forth for the last ten minutes now.

I swear, I am so fucking over Lady Gaga and all her stupid alter egos and her stupid-ass costumes and birthing pods and prosthetic bones. The whole schtick is tired. I wish God would finally do some of that smiting he’s always talking about in the Old Testament. No way the Almighty’s just gonna let that bitch slide.

While we’re on the subject of Sports Illustrated swimsuit models, you should know that Miss September Cintia Dicker also has a spread in GQ Brasil this month. Only her GQ spread is way better because you can see her nipples in one of the pics. Check and mate, Sports Illustrated!

Freida Pinto dressed like a pin-up with her legs up in the air in Indian GQ might be the best thing you see all week, unless you caught wind that there might be pornography on the internet. Then you might find something better. But you might also find some girl taking a shit in a plastic cup. Don’t say I didn’t warn you first.

In the November 2011 Men of the Year issue:

I can’t imagine why “The World’s Leading Men’s Magazine” would put the world’s most pale, boring, and flat-chested actress on their November cover. Unless they’re lthey’re trying to get people to cancel their subscriptions, in which case, keep ‘em coming, GQ!

Her Glamour shoot was slightly more tolerable than her stupid GQ one, so here you go: