Tennis star Maria Sharapova shows off her sexy gams and magnificent rump in the December issue of Spanish GQ. Let me go ahead and add that I wouldn’t mind stringing her racquet, if you know what I’m saying. High five! And while we’re at it, I would double fault over her, um, break point and, uh… sorry, that’s all I’ve got. I officially declare tennis the least sexual-innuendo-laden sport in the world. Prudes!

Megan Fox gets her bikini on and opens up in the October issue of GQ, and boy, do I mean “open up.” I’m talkin’ wide open. Spread eagle. Feet-behind-the-ears kind of open. She tells the men’s magazine

“I was in love with this [stripper named Nikita] that worked at [a strip club on Sunset Boulevard]. I was there all the time—I would go there by myself. I turned into a weird middle-aged married man. I’d get lap dances so I could get to know her, and I’d give her what I thought were great little sound bites of inspiration—like You can do it, you’re better than this! She’d do these beautiful slow dances to Aerosmith ballads. She had really long stick-straight hair and was Russian. I just liked her. She was really sadistic and sarcastic and funny.”

“I could see myself in a relationship with a girl—Olivia Wilde is so sexy she makes me want to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hands. She’s mesmerizing. And lately I’ve been obsessed with Jenna Jameson.”

Consider this story the antidote to any Lindsay Lohan/Samantha Ronson posts you happen to encounter on this site. I’d write more, but I’m gonna need my fingers for the next fifteen or so minutes. Pleasure before business, I always say! I’m pretty sure it’s the main reason why I still don’t have a real job.

Sometimes, late at night, after my fifth or sixth martini, I’ll pass out lie awake while pondering some of life’s greatest mysteries. Things like: “Is time just an illusion?” “Can mathematicians really prove the Riemann hypothesis?” “What color is the number four?” and “Why isn’t Marisa Miller always naked?” Sadly, there are no definitive answers for these questions, just Marisa Miller not being naked or proving the Riemann hypothesis in next month’s issue of GQ Magazine.