New reason to watch ABC sitcom Ugly Betty: star America Ferrerra apparently loathed Lindsay Lohan so much that her guest role was chopped from the agreed-upon six episodes to only four. Oh, and it gets even better — America even made Lindsay cry on the set during rehearsals. Ha ha ha ha ha! According to Page Six

One episode, titled “Granny Pants,” was about how Lohan, playing Betty’s high school nemesis, would “de-pants” Ferrera. But Ferrera exacts her revenge and pulls down Lohan’s pants instead. “Lindsay wasn’t wearing any underwear,” the source said.

But a Lohan pal fumed, “[Bullshit]! Lindsay wears underwear all the time now. She was wearing a G-string. And it was America’s fault. They were rehearsing the scene and America wasn’t supposed to pull Lindsay’s pants down - but she did. Lindsay was so embarrassed, she started crying. America was mean to Lindsay. Lindsay didn’t do the last two episodes because America didn’t like her and got her kicked off.”

Lohan’s rep said, “Lindsay was scheduled for six episodes and is appearing in four but had a lovely time.”

This just goes to show you that fat girls, while unsightly and sweaty and downright nauseating at a buffet, can still serve a purpose. Ladies and gentleman, America Ferrerra!

Nursing her wounds at a fashion show in Tokyo yesterday:

Lindsay Lohan was on the set of “Ugly Betty” this weekend preparing for her multiple-episode guest role on the show. Linz is hoping that her small screen appearance will give her lagging career the boost it so desperately needs, or that at least she’ll get to blow a couple of guys on the set. According to MSNBC

“She really, really needs this to go well,” said one industry source. “For the longest time she’s been getting terrible advice — that’s been obvious for quite some time. This is the first good decision she’s made from an acting standpoint since ‘Georgia Rules.’”

Lohan “arrived on set 45 minutes early,” and she and the show’s star, America Ferrera, “really hit it off.”

Of course, if television doesn’t do the trick, there’s still the music career to fall back on — her new album is slated to drop later this year. I assume execs mean “drop” in the literal sense of the word here, like the motion of a turd being released into a toilet. Or, more specifically, the motion of a washed-up actress sinking to her knees in the inevitable sex tape/last ditch effort to revive her “career.” It is her destiny.

In West Hollywood May 2nd:

I woke up ten minutes ago fairly sure that I had been a victim of a hate crime and amoebic dysentary. Turns out that I just drank a lot of something called “Absinthe” last night. If you’ve never indulged, let me save you the mystery and suggest you down a quart of kerosene and light a match near your anus, then let a friend work you over with a baseball bat. Sounds fun, doesn’t it? Almost as fun as Britney Spears returning to the set of “How I Met Your Mother” yesterday! Really? Well, fuck you. I’m hungover. OK! Magazine says

The episode finds Britney (Abby) and Barney (Neil Patrick Harris) still dating and hoping to use the relationship to anger their mutual nemesis, Ted. Word is Barney will even a pop a question to Abby.

Britney’s episode will air on May 12.

I tried to think of something I cared about less than Britney’s return to sitcomery. The effect of entrepreneurial agriculture on the economy of the Midwest? The mating habits of the boll weevil? Poor people? Then I decided “enough with the thinking” because it was making my head hurt and went back to spray-painting the toilet. You’re welcome.

Thanks to the success of her first time guest-starring on the show, Britney Spears will be reprising the role of Abby on CBS’ “How I Met Your Mother.” According People

“The show is ecstatic and so is Britney,” a source said. “She had so much fun the first time around she really wanted to come back. It was a mutual decision to work together more.”

The singer/actress will do one episode, the source says.

Funny thing, success. To you or me, success might translate to “dollars earned” or “accolades attained.” To Britney Spears, it’s anything that doesn’t end with her bald and strapped to a gurney while the cops take her kids away. So, according to Britney’s standards, I’m practically Bill fucking Gates. Not a thrice-divorced single mother with bad credit and glandular issues. Perspective, baby! Sometimes it’s the only thing that keeps me from killing myself.

Arriving at recording studio April 17th:

People actually tuned in to watch Britney Spears’ bit part on “How I Met Your Mother” Monday night — according to the Hollywood Reporter, her guest role gave the CBS sitcom its highest rating ever. Right behind “The New Adventures of Old Christine” and Tampax commercials, I’m sure. Anyway, how did our favorite trainwreck get along with the cast? MSBNC says

A source close to Spears said that the role was very carefully chosen, and… production had [to agree] to be sensitive toward Spears and avoid “trigger” topics. “The folks on set… weren’t to bring up her music career [or] her kids. [They] said [that] they just wanted her to be treated normally, but obviously this wasn’t a normal situation.”

I, too, have a number of trigger topics that are not to be broached. The limp, for starters. Most of 1998. The public urination arrests. That Russian pantyhose fetish site and the fire at the Howard Johnson’s. Spectacled bears. In most situations it’s best to just feed me grain alcohol and lay me on the floor on my side so I don’t aspirate my own vomit. Bunker reality? More like “barely reality!” Psychoanalytic Theory can suck it.

Admiral Avoidance leaving Dominik’s Tuesday:

Enjoy these clips of Britney Spears looking and acting relatively normal in her bit part on CBS’ “How I Met Your Mother.” Really, it’s the most sane and coherent she’s looked in over a year now — I guess pretending to be someone else is really grounding for Britney. I find that really only works for me if I’ve been pulled over for driving under the influence. When the officer asks for license and registration, I just chirp, “Sowwy, me no speaky Engrish!” Of course, it’s a lot more convincing if I pull back the skin around my eyes and then fold my hands and bow while I’m saying it, but I need my hands free in case I need to reach for his gun. Improvisation is really key to really developing the nuances of your character.

One more clip after the jump.

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