It seems that Madonna has been playing puppet master with the media, planting those are-they-or-aren’t-they divorce rumors herself to stir up free press for her upcoming tour. Boy, she makes the devil look like a fucking amateur, doesn’t she? According to TMZ

Guy and Madge’s peeps have been planning this for months, hoping the hubbub will sell more tickets to her upcoming tour. Well-placed sources tell us the Ritchies plan to officially split in after the Mrs.’ upcoming “Sticky and Sweet” world tour. Why [wait]? Big bucks. The concerts are expected to earn close to $300 mil worldwide.

So… they’re saying I’ve been a pawn in all this? A minion? A stooge? God, I feel so cheap! And not just because I woke up without pants in the back of a Chevy Cavalier this morning. That was just an ironic coincidence.

Now that Madonna’s seven-year marriage to Guy Ritchie is virtually over, the Material Girl Senior Citizen has been playing late-night “bury the bat” with baseball player Alex Rodriguez. According to Us Weekly

$28-million-a-year Rodriguez, 32, has made numerous solo nighttime visits to Madonna, 49, [sneaking] out “as late as midnight.”

Rodriguez attended Madonna’s April 30 NYC concert; the singer sat in his seats at a Yankees game on June 22 (it was the first time she ever was photographed at a Yankees game). Her son Rocco, 7, also sported Yankees gear on June 25 while playing in Central Park.

If it weren’t for baseball, A-Rod would be serving as a drug mule for a Colombian cartel or playing pimp to a bunch of underage prostitutes back in the Dominican Republic. Now he’s banging one of the richest women in the world and making millions of dollars for hitting a fucking ball with a stick, while me and my college education teeter right above poverty level. Somewhere, the U.S. Department of Education is pulling down my pants and taunting me, I just know it.

The Madonna/Guy Ritchie divorce is definitely on, with Madonna reportedy upgrading to the same powerhouse attorney who represented Paul McCartney is his divorce from Heather Mills. The Times of London reports

Madonna is… seeking legal advice on a divorce from her husband of seven years. [Attorney] Fiona Shackleton has been lined up by the 49-year-old pop star. [Husband Guy] Ritchie is thought to have had dealings with a lesser-known Mayfair law firm.

Although rumors of a split have been swirling for almost a year now, what was the straw that broke the camel’s back? Besides her being an insufferable egotistical bitch, I mean? Perhaps it was Guy giving the finger to her precious Kabbalah. The Sun says

“Guy has turned his back on Kabbalah once and for all. He also became suspicious of all the Kabbalah crowd living off her money. He told her he doesn’t want anything else to do with it. It didn’t go down well.”

I guess dressing up in costumes for something that doesn’t involve sexual role play and downing $120,000 worth of blessed water a year gets old for a guy after a while. Not to mention that when they were first married, Madonna was technically still a woman. I’m pretty sure he could actually press fraud charges if he wanted to.

Hard Candy press stills:

Despite denying marital trouble for months now, Madonna has reportedly hired celebrity divorce lawyer Nicholas Mostyn. According to Digital Spy

The singer is starting divorce proceedings against her husband Guy Ritchie. The singer apparently met the legal representative at his London office ten days ago.

It was unclear whether Madonna was meeting with Mostyn to begin legal paper work or if she was just there to challenge him to a good old-fashioned arm-wrestling contest. You don’t get those kind of veins without mastering the top roll and hook techniques, baby!

Nipping out in Cannes last month: