Robert Downey, Jr. stopped by ShoWest to introduce preview footage for Guy Ritchie’s Sherlock Holmes, which doesn’t come out until December.  ComingSoon has a pretty detailed description of the footage, but the only really important part is this:

There was a quick-cut montage of more action scenes before a scene where a maid walks into a room and screams, dropping the tray she was carrying.  We cut to Downey chained to a bed naked except for a pillow covering his genitals, and he asks her to remain calm and that under the pillow is the “key to his release” and the shocked woman runs out screaming.

Eeeeexcellent.  So is it December yet?

…no?

How ’bout now?  Is it December now?

Goddammit.  In the meantime, here’s some shirtless RDJ to tide you over:

Hi guys and dolls, it’s Sonya and I’ll be your writer today. Speaking of guys, Guy Ritchie’s future looks noticeably brighter–hell, anything would probably look a lot less depressing after being married to barracuda Madonna. He won’t have to put up with being scheduled in for “sex”, or have her blaming him for drinking up all the Ripped Fuel, or have to wake up to a penis in the small of his back. Divorce never sounded so sweet! The Mirror reports,

Guy Ritchie was celebrating last night after it was revealed he and Madonna will be divorced today.

The film director blurted out “Thank God” when told of the quickie hearing in London. Guy, who will receive none of the singer’s £300million fortune, made clear his only concern was the children.

He added: “It dragged on much too long. It was never ever about money.”

Friends revealed last night that the star offered him £10million and he turned it down flat.

Guy, 40, said last night: “It was never about money – never about her bloody art collection. I just wanted to settle it and move on.”

He added: “I didn’t raise any objections at any stage until she insisted the children lived permanently in New York.”

The couple have been at war almost constantly since the Mirror exclusively broke the news five months ago that their seven-year marriage had become a sham.

Have a pint for me, Guy!

Hello, campers.  It’s Sarah today, but never fear — Abby will be back tomorrow.  So, Madonna and Guy Ritchie are still getting divorced.  I apologise in advance for the stultifying boredom of this garbage, but apparently this is newsworthy even though Madonna stopped being interesting in approximatenly 1993.  Anyhow, according to the Daily Mail:

Yesterday it was claimed that Guy had turned down a massive £20million settlement from Madonna and the pair are ‘no closer’ to reaching any agreement over their impending divorce.

The pair, whose split was made public two weeks ago, are feuding over where their children - Rocco, eight, and adopted David Banda, three - will live and be educated.

Madonna, 50, wants the two boys to live with her and Lourdes, her 12-year-old daughter from a previous relationship, in New York. But Ritchie, 40, would prefer that the children go to school in London.

The singer’s biographer, J Randy Taraborrelli, told Hello! magazine the pair ‘are at loggerheads’.

He said: ‘There was a great deal of haggling about this matter last week, with Madonna upping the amount of Guy’s settlement to more than £20 million in hopes that he would acquiesce.’

He added that they are ‘not even speaking to each other. They communicate only through lawyers’.

Mr Taraborrelli also said a friend of Ritchie told him that the split could become more acrimonious.

The source told him: ‘I do think it’s going to get nasty. He and Madonna are very angry now, no doubt about it, [but] they are willing to put that aside for their children.

‘But I do think that if one sees the other linked up with a new partner so soon, it will make everything a lot more complicated for everyone involved.’

It was also claimed today that the couple’s legal teams are seeking witness statements from business and house staff.

There’s a lot of other nonsense about marriage contracts and hours of Kabbalah reading and pre-scripted arguments, but I fell asleep at least twice while reading that piece so you’d probably be better off reading the link yourself if you’re that interested.  Also, consider ritual suicide.

Basically, here’s how I feel about this whole divorce thing:  Madonna’s a goddamn lunatic and always has been.  Guy Ritchie, who is a good deal younger than Her Veinyness, married her and became about 984% more famous as a result.  Then one day he woke up and realised, “Holy hell, I’m in bed with a centuries-old she-demon in a seaweed cellophane wrap, and when she wakes up she’s going to be a controlling harpy with a weightlifting problem, a fake accent, and delusions of grandeur.  This sucks.  I’m done.”  Neither of these jackasses gets any pity from me, and unless the forthcoming witness statements from their household staff uncover ridiculously hilarious tales of domestic insanity, I stopped caring about this within four seconds of hearing they were splitting up.

Although her rep is denying it, reports have surfaced that Madonna and Guy Ritchie have already reached a settlement in their divorce proceedings. The Daily Mail says

Madonna will give Guy Ritchie just [$20 million]. Guy has agreed to a gagging clause that will prevent him from ever talking about their marriage. He will have full access to their sons, eight-year-old Rocco and adopted David Banda, three. Guy will own Ashcombe House, their 1,200 acre [$20 million] estate in Wiltshire, while Madonna will keep the couple’s [$14 million] townhouse in central London.

I know you’re all dying to know what it was that drove the once-happy couple apart. The veritable “straw that broke the camel’s toe,” if you will. Well, the NY Daily News claims

Madonna’s obsession with maintaining a perfect body was one of the factors behind her split. Madonna’s personal habits “include having a live-in trainer, and going to sleep slathered in $800 cream and wrapped in plastic.”

The Daily Mail adds

Her insistence on sticking to a grueling four-hour exercise routine has been blamed for destroying the pair’s marriage. The strict regime reportedly meant the couple went for 18 months without making love. When they did find time to make love, it was like ‘cuddling up to a piece of gristle’, Ritchie told friends.

The other insurmountable issue plaguing their marriage? Her devotion to Kabbalah, which Ritchie thought was a bunch of hogwash. Cue New York Yankees baseball star Alex Rodriguez:

‘Alex is bewitched by her. She… has offered him a pathway to happiness and enlightenment through Kabbalah. He has turned to Kabbalah to please her. He became obsessed with her about a year ago when she introduced him to Kabbalah, he has since donated millions of dollars to the center. He showers her with compliments and makes her feel young, which Guy never did. He’s hispanic and totally her type.’

Just how much “her type” is he, exactly? Um, this much:

Madonna, 50, is hoping she can have a natural child with Rodriguez. A friend said: ‘She thinks he’s physically a great specimen. And if she is going to have another child, he would be the ideal man to bring one to her.’

Nothin’ gets a man’s motor runnin’ like the sight of a 50 year-old woman slathered in pureed placenta and basting under a humidifier. I bet it looks and smells just like a botched abortion magically come to life. Who needs a swimsuit edition when you’ve got stem cells and saran wrap? Sports Illustrated can suck it!

Now that Madonna’s officially divorcing husband Guy Ritchie, she’s rekindling her affair with baseball star Alex Rodriguez. Us Weekly reports

A source close to the singer [says that] she and the New York Yankees slugger “are definitely romantic. [They] are more involved than ever… [but Madonna] has agreed to be discreet about [their] relationship until her tour ends.”

Last time I checked, “being romantic” didn’t mean “jerking each other off with creatine and Weight Gain Fuel 3000,” but I’ll have to get back to you on that one. I’ve been off the dating scene for a couple of years now. Back when I was playing the field, being romantic meant “doing it doggy-style so I didn’t aspirate my own vomit” and “force-feeding me RU-486 once I blacked out.” Times sure have changed since I was a freshman!

The Madonna/Guy Ritchie divorce rumors have buzzing for months now, but it finally looks like the couple has shoved the barrel in the metaphorical mouth of their marriage and pulled the trigger. TMZ says

Madonna and Guy Ritchie are divorcing, their rep has confirmed.

“Madonna and Guy Ritchie have agreed to divorce after seven-and-a-half years of marriage. They have both requested that the media maintain respect for their family at this difficult time,” says a statement given to the AP.

A quick, clean shot to the back of the relationship throat is definitely the best way to go. So much more efficient than, say, beating the relationship with a shovel and dousing it with kerosene and lighting it on fire in the back of an abandoned car you drive over a cliff, or “making a sex tape with his father” as it’s technically listed in our divorce proceeding.

Madonna’s husband Guy Ritchie celebrated his 40th birthday in grand British style at the London pub he and Madge own last night. The Daily Mail says

[Guy] helped [Madonna] to a waiting car at 10pm before heading back inside the pub. The birthday boy didn’t follow her home until 4am. He enjoyed a few drinks and was seen at the window making strange faces in the early hours. The raucous party included an old-fashioned sing-song. Revelers belted out classics such as My Old Man’s a Dustman and It’s a Long Way to Tipperary.

And that’s exactly how I imagined British people party — like it’s eighteen ninety-nine. Arseholed off loads of warm beer and belting out early 20th century music hall marching songs. All that’s missing are the gas lamps and the horseless carriages and a spirited bout of The Minister’s Cat. Pip pip cheerio, mates!

More of Madonna from her Sticky ‘n Sweet tour:

It seems that Madonna has been playing puppet master with the media, planting those are-they-or-aren’t-they divorce rumors herself to stir up free press for her upcoming tour. Boy, she makes the devil look like a fucking amateur, doesn’t she? According to TMZ

Guy and Madge’s peeps have been planning this for months, hoping the hubbub will sell more tickets to her upcoming tour. Well-placed sources tell us the Ritchies plan to officially split in after the Mrs.’ upcoming “Sticky and Sweet” world tour. Why [wait]? Big bucks. The concerts are expected to earn close to $300 mil worldwide.

So… they’re saying I’ve been a pawn in all this? A minion? A stooge? God, I feel so cheap! And not just because I woke up without pants in the back of a Chevy Cavalier this morning. That was just an ironic coincidence.

Now that Madonna’s seven-year marriage to Guy Ritchie is virtually over, the Material Girl Senior Citizen has been playing late-night “bury the bat” with baseball player Alex Rodriguez. According to Us Weekly

$28-million-a-year Rodriguez, 32, has made numerous solo nighttime visits to Madonna, 49, [sneaking] out “as late as midnight.”

Rodriguez attended Madonna’s April 30 NYC concert; the singer sat in his seats at a Yankees game on June 22 (it was the first time she ever was photographed at a Yankees game). Her son Rocco, 7, also sported Yankees gear on June 25 while playing in Central Park.

If it weren’t for baseball, A-Rod would be serving as a drug mule for a Colombian cartel or playing pimp to a bunch of underage prostitutes back in the Dominican Republic. Now he’s banging one of the richest women in the world and making millions of dollars for hitting a fucking ball with a stick, while me and my college education teeter right above poverty level. Somewhere, the U.S. Department of Education is pulling down my pants and taunting me, I just know it.

The Madonna/Guy Ritchie divorce is definitely on, with Madonna reportedy upgrading to the same powerhouse attorney who represented Paul McCartney is his divorce from Heather Mills. The Times of London reports

Madonna is… seeking legal advice on a divorce from her husband of seven years. [Attorney] Fiona Shackleton has been lined up by the 49-year-old pop star. [Husband Guy] Ritchie is thought to have had dealings with a lesser-known Mayfair law firm.

Although rumors of a split have been swirling for almost a year now, what was the straw that broke the camel’s back? Besides her being an insufferable egotistical bitch, I mean? Perhaps it was Guy giving the finger to her precious Kabbalah. The Sun says

“Guy has turned his back on Kabbalah once and for all. He also became suspicious of all the Kabbalah crowd living off her money. He told her he doesn’t want anything else to do with it. It didn’t go down well.”

I guess dressing up in costumes for something that doesn’t involve sexual role play and downing $120,000 worth of blessed water a year gets old for a guy after a while. Not to mention that when they were first married, Madonna was technically still a woman. I’m pretty sure he could actually press fraud charges if he wanted to.

Hard Candy press stills:

Despite denying marital trouble for months now, Madonna has reportedly hired celebrity divorce lawyer Nicholas Mostyn. According to Digital Spy

The singer is starting divorce proceedings against her husband Guy Ritchie. The singer apparently met the legal representative at his London office ten days ago.

It was unclear whether Madonna was meeting with Mostyn to begin legal paper work or if she was just there to challenge him to a good old-fashioned arm-wrestling contest. You don’t get those kind of veins without mastering the top roll and hook techniques, baby!

Nipping out in Cannes last month: