Coldplay frontman Chris Martin is reportedly cheating on wife Gwyneth Paltrow with actress Kate Bosworth. Ooh, it’s about to get all kinds of Dynasty in here! According to Star Magazine

[Everyone is talking] about Chris Martin’s hot make-out session with a beautiful blonde who wasn’t Gwyneth Paltrow. In fact, the Brit singer was locking lips with his better half’s good friend, Kate Bosworth!

“I couldn’t believe my eyes,” an eyewitness [says]. “There was Chris totally making out with Kate in front of other people. At first I thought it might be Gwyneth, but when she came up for air, it was clear the woman was Kate!”

So Chris has a thing for pale, anemic-loooking blonds with bird necks, huh? I guess it’s the closest thing to making love to himself without actually having to use his own fist.

Kate showing nips in Tank magazine:

Gwyneth Paltrow lubed herself up with some baby harp seal blubber and oozed her way onto The Tonight Show to have a nice chat with Conan O’Brien.  She’s so shiny I’m pretty sure you could see her vapid ass from space.  She’ll probably wax poetic in the next issue of GOOP about how you, too, can look like you swam in a vat of petroleum jelly for the bargain price of just €699.95 (or three quarts of fresh blood from a young virgin).  God, she’s so annoying.  There’s video, but it’s almost six minutes long and it’s not remotely funny or interesting and at one point Gwyneth says some weird shit about how her son thinks every white guy he sees is his father and then she tries to make it sound less racist by backtracking with something about how her kid thinks Metallica sounds exactly like Coldplay because apparently all white dudes sound the same and HOLY SHIT WHY WON’T THIS DUMB BITCH EVER SHUT UP?

Sorry for the late start today, boys ‘n girls.  I still have the raging viral death that I’ve had all week, and I finally took some Nyquil last night.  Apparently it made me lapse into a bit of a coma or something, because I just woke up 20 minutes ago.  I still have a fever and I slept so long that I’m more than a little disoriented.  Today should be awesome!  And by that, I mean not awesome at all.

Speaking of not awesome, here’s Gwyneth Paltrow at a special screening of “Two Lovers” at the Sunshine Theatre in NYC.  I cannot for the life of me figure out what’s going on with her outfit (aside from all the ugly, I mean — that part’s obvious).  Are those… leather shorts?  High-waisted leather shorts?  Her stylist should be assassinated, and we haven’t even started talking about the hideous top yet.  This whole getup looks like something my grandmother would’ve worn if she’d lived long enough to go through an octogenarian dominatrix phase.  Oh, and I will give a shiny nickel to the first person who marches up to tell Gwyneth that she is TOO OLD for that gothy, smudgy, drunken vagrant eye makeup of which she’s so very fond.  I’ll throw in an extra nickel if you tell her that it never looked good on her in the first damn place.

Iron Man actress Gwyneth Paltrow was photographed bare-faced and makeup-free at a party in the Hamptons last night. It’s not really the best look for her. Unless “relief map of the sink holes of Permian Kaibab” was the look she was going for, in which case she totally nailed it. You could go spelunking in pores that big.

With a face full of paint at the “Two Lovers” premiere in May:

If you don’t keep up with the latest fashion trends, ladies, jumpsuits are supposedly the must-have item for summer 2008. The runways this season were teeming with models sporting the one-piece, a la Gwyneth Paltrow at the “Iron Man” premiere in L.A. last night. To make the ensemble truly authentic, just add a little chest hair and a gold medallion with a robust mustache and a “Far out, groovy lady!” That way, if you need to jump your motorcycle over a flaming gorge, star in a seventies porno or party at a disco in Uzbekistan later on, you’re already dressed for the part. Form and function, my friends!

The Daily Mail attributes Gwyneth Paltrow’s recent weight lost and arduous fitness regime to her mysterious hospital visit on Monday, but rumors of a possible pregnancy are starting to surface elsewhere on the net. According to Rush and Molloy:

“[Husband Chris Martin and she] looked very serious,” a witness tells us. “She looked upset. They went right past everyone and into the elevator. It seemed like they were expected.” Our spy [also reported] that Martin and Paltrow entered Mount Sinai’s maternity wing, the Klingenstein Pavilion.

I’d say a baby sounds about right. You don’t usually go into the maternity ward with “bulimia” or “removing the giant stick from your pompous ass.” Just like you wouldn’t go to a proctologist for swollen tonsils and a sore throat. Not unless you want to find out the distance from your asshole to the back of your throat in medical tubing feet,¹ that is. It’s not pleasant, believe me, but it’s a real conversation starter at parties.

¹_{That’d be 26 feet and 11 inches, for those of you interested.}

An unusually smiley Gwyneth leaving a pub in North London last month:

Gwyneth Paltrow told a Britain magazine that she hates drunk women. The intolerant actress admits she can’t stand seeing girls partying and getting drunk. Meanwhile, she has denied she and her husband, Chris Martin, are boring.

“There is this perception of us in this country, like, oh, they’re quite boring. They do yoga and they stay home watching UK Gold (British cable channel). I think it’s sort of funny how you have to be doing coke off the ass of some stripper to be perceived as not boring these days.”

Calm down, Gwyneth. Who said you have to do coke to be funny? I think Colplday’s music is boring but your idea of naming your children after fruits is quite funny. I hope you’ll name your second child ‘Banana’. Now that would be funny.

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