Hello my preciouses, it’s Sonya today. Abby will be returning tomorrow after she figures out how to remove caulking from her hair. Don’t ask.
In a world of unanswered questions, such as, “Will I have enough to get by on until my next unemployment check?” or, “What’s the truth behind the H1N1 virus scare?”, it’s nice that Tyra Banks is taking the time to answer that most burning-est question of them all: What does her real hair look like? What, you mean, she doesn’t have silky blonde hair? Oh, the shock. Someone get me my smelling salts. I don’t see why you’d constantly want to wear someone else’s hair all the time anyway. It’s kind of creepy. I imagine that she has a mirror-lined room with cases holding a bunch of living heads, and all she has to do to change her coiffure is scalp them. Who needs a hair stylist? Not Tyra!
You don’t usually see hair like Rihanna’s unless it’s on the head of a well-intentioned pet detective who pulls his cheeks apart to make his ass “talk.” Excuse me, your balls are showing. Bumblebee Tuna!
Us Magazine has footage of the infamous 1988 Pepsi commercial in which Michael Jackson’s hair caught fire, the supposed catalyst that sent him spiraling him into a lifelong addiction to painkillers that would ultimately lead to his death. The media dubbed it a “tragic accident.” I call it “God’s way of punishing you for having a jheri curl.” Or maybe “God’s way of punishing you for being a pedophile.” I’m no a priest or anything, but least one of those has got to be one of seven deadly sins.
Previously unseen pictures of Jackson showcasing needle marks and necrotic tissue in an ABC interview in 2002:
The first part of Lady Gaga’s name is a term for British nobility. The second half is something a baby says during early attempts at verbalization. She appears to have sewn a gigantic hair button to the top of her head. Given what we know, factoring in current social mores and a margin of error plus or minus five percent, I think we can safely say that Lady Gaga is a fucking idiot.
Newly-married Fergie showed off a darker ‘do in Manhattan over the weekend, and of course, I totally hate it. But I don’t know why I hate it. Do I hate it because it’s Fergie, or do I hate it because it’s a really shitty dye job? It brings to mind the old “tastes great”/”less filling” Miller Lite quandry of Super Bowls past. Fortunately, all my clothes are tear-away and I keep a bottle of baby oil in my purse for just such emergencies. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go ask those girls in HR what they think now. Rowr!
I’m sure you, like me, refrain from watching the evening news or anything deemed “educational television,” so Katie Couric’s new haircut will come to you as a surprise. The NY Daily News says
The boyish pixie cut channeled some of Hillary Clinton’s bad ‘do days [and] was a striking departure from the signature bob. The dramatic chop did little to flatter and even caused Couric’s face to appear different.
And we pretend we’re a nation “ready for change.” Not so! If anything, Americans hate change, be it a newscaster’s haircut or the redefining of the word “marriage.” We prefer to wallow in the familiar embrace of tradition, where everything’s warm and wet and feels the same way going in as it does coming out. Kinda like corn pudding or Paris Hilton’s vagina, but without the unfortunate smell.
It’s an ugly day for celebrity hair, folks. First up, Halle Berry’s new ‘do for her role in “Frankie and Alice,” in which she plays a woman struggling with multiple personalities. Yikes. I’m not sure which personality is responsible for that hair, but “Satan” or “man-hating lesbian” is probably a safe bet. No thanks. And then there’s talk show queen Oprah — turns out our lady O has a dykey little secret under that immaculately maintained wig! According to Star Magazine
When Oprah wants to go incognito, she simply takes off her wig to revealed a dyed-blonde buzz cut. “Nobody ever notices Oprah in the gym,” says an eyewitness. “She doesn’t wear makeup or a wig. Her head is practically shaved and she dyes the little hair she does have blonde. If she is recognized, it’s because of her voice!”
I don’t believe that for a second. I mean, come on. No way. Like Oprah ever goes to a gym. Pfft. The only thing that cow is lifting is maybe a deep-fried cannoli up to her big bullfrog mouth. Sorry, but I’m calling bullshit on this one, Star Magazine!
And speaking of bullshit, Kim Kardashian gets banged at the “Empowerment for Africa” dinner last night — and nary a black guy or a video camera in sight! Another Thanksgiving miracle?
I sort of imagine Amy Winehouse’s morning routine to be like the Disney version of Cinderella’s. Only instead of songbirds birds tying her apron strings while costumed mice slide on her slippers, you’d have a four or five beavers arranging her hair and a retarded monkey holding a makeup gun at point blank range.
There’s something different about Suri Cruise! Can you guess what it is? Hint: it’s not new batteries. Nine MSN says
The two-year-old, out and about with parents Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, sported a decidedly lighter mop in Manhattan yesterday. [Has she been subjected] to highlights at age two? [Or did] some fun in the sun [result] in her sun-kissed new locks?
Hair lightened by the sun gets lighter along the hairline and crown, not a uniform three-shades-lighter color all over. Not to mention that Suri hasn’t been photographed outside since her second birthday. You don’t go from “Swiper, No Swiping Mocha” to “L. Ron Hubbard Chai Latte” without the aid of ammonia and peroxide. Unless you upgraded your old Suri to the newer 270-degree swivel action model with character-dedicated accessories and multiple points of articulation. Then the new hair color makes total sense.
Looking as good as Paula Abdul doesn’t come easy. In fact, perfecting the Abdullian visage requires nearly a third of your entire day and the steady troweling hand of a brickmason. MSNBC says
One makeup artist who very recently worked with Abdul said that it routinely takes as long as four hours before she’s satisfied with her hair and makeup. “Getting her out of the house is a major effort,” said the source. “It… [gets] in the way of real life.”
And real life is something Paula hasn’t been acquainted with for years now, so of course that’s not a problem. But for the readers at home who want to achieve Paula’s dramatic look and haven’t the four extra hours or a team of professionals to spare, allow me to suggest downing a liter of gin and turning one of those Homer Simpson-style makeup guns on yourself at point-blank range. Add extensions, mist with hairspray, mist with hairspray, mist with hairspray, and voilà! — drag queen glamor is all your own.
You didn’t think I’d let you go all day without another Britney update, did you? Ho, ho. Let’s not be silly. Today’s Daily Britney is all about her new fabulous ‘do, courtesy of celebrity colorist Kim Vo. People says
Vo arrived at her Beverly Hills home on Thursday afternoon – the day after her early release from UCLA’s psych ward – and worked with the troubled pop star for four hours in a spare bathroom.
Finding her scalp and hair in great shape – and “her skin is glowing, like a young girls,” says Vo – he streaked her dark brown locks with a caramel color. “We wanted to brighten it up a bit. She’s ready for something new,” he says.
“Brightening it up a bit” must be stylist speak for “scabby patches of visible scalp, like mange on an Irish Setter.” Note to self: no more hair cuts at Pet Smart.
Britney and her new hair “glowing” outside of Millennium Dance Studio this weekend:
