If third-year womyn’s studies haircuts and Lestat-esque complexions are your thing, you just stumbled onto a gold mine called Anne Hathaway in a bikini, my friend. Knock yourself out.

Poolside at the Setai Hotel in Miami this past weekend:

Somebody needs to tell Justin Bieber he really needs to lay off the Brylcreem and the eyebrow pencil before he hits the red carpet. Ugh. It’s what Hilary Swank would look like as a gay Ricky Ricardo.

With girlfriend Selena Gomez at the American Music Awards last night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

I waited through two bottles of wine for something interesting to happen today, and as of ten p.m., the best I could come up with was “Tom Cruise got a haircut.” It’s probably best if we never mention this post again. One of us should just take it out back and shoot it.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

49-year old Jim Carrey debuted a ridiculous new haircut on his Twitter yesterday, along with the caption “I am a paintbrush.” Personally, I would have gone with “Blink-182 wants their drummer back,” but I’m not desperately trying to buck the stigma of Ace Ventura. Some of us are proud to talk out of our asses, thank you very much.

There are plenty of ways to effectively communicate to your husband that you’re no longer interested in having sex with him. This haircut, for example. It’s the follicular equivalent of a pair of elastic-waist jeans and tweezing your chin hairs while slathered in cold cream. I think most men would prefer you just backed the minivan directly over their genitals.

Because pretending you have a headache is just so clichéd:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

It looks like Rihanna’s gone Last of the Mohicans and shaved that man right outta her hair! On the plus side, I’m pretty sure that haircut comes with a lifetime supply of commodity cheese and 0.0063 acres of land in northern Montana. Hope you like whiskey and blackjack, Rihanna!

I’m sure you, like me, refrain from watching the evening news or anything deemed “educational television,” so Katie Couric’s new haircut will come to you as a surprise. The NY Daily News says

The boyish pixie cut channeled some of Hillary Clinton’s bad ‘do days [and] was a striking departure from the signature bob. The dramatic chop did little to flatter and even caused Couric’s face to appear different.

And we pretend we’re a nation “ready for change.” Not so! If anything, Americans hate change, be it a newscaster’s haircut or the redefining of the word “marriage.” We prefer to wallow in the familiar embrace of tradition, where everything’s warm and wet and feels the same way going in as it does coming out. Kinda like corn pudding or Paris Hilton’s vagina, but without the unfortunate smell.

Victoria Beckham debuted a new short hair cut reminiscent of Halle Berry’s 2002 Bond girl ‘do at the Marc Jacobs show at Fashion Week in New York yesterday. Think kabuki-face Petunia Pig in a Frankie Valli wig. Grease is definitely the word here. I’d say the Pink Ladies just found their new Rizzo!

With Katie Holmes’ new pageboy haircut, Tom Cruise is finally one step closer to fulfilling all of his completely normal narcissistic fantasies of having sex with himself. No more masturbating to Risky Business and Top Gun for this Hollywood star! A thorough taping of her breasts and strap-on are all that’s standing in the way of Tommy actually getting to pork himself. It’s practically every man’s dream come true!