It looks like Rihanna’s gone Last of the Mohicans and shaved that man right outta her hair! On the plus side, I’m pretty sure that haircut comes with a lifetime supply of commodity cheese and 0.0063 acres of land in northern Montana. Hope you like whiskey and blackjack, Rihanna!

I’m sure you, like me, refrain from watching the evening news or anything deemed “educational television,” so Katie Couric’s new haircut will come to you as a surprise. The NY Daily News says

The boyish pixie cut channeled some of Hillary Clinton’s bad ‘do days [and] was a striking departure from the signature bob. The dramatic chop did little to flatter and even caused Couric’s face to appear different.

And we pretend we’re a nation “ready for change.” Not so! If anything, Americans hate change, be it a newscaster’s haircut or the redefining of the word “marriage.” We prefer to wallow in the familiar embrace of tradition, where everything’s warm and wet and feels the same way going in as it does coming out. Kinda like corn pudding or Paris Hilton’s vagina, but without the unfortunate smell.

Victoria Beckham debuted a new short hair cut reminiscent of Halle Berry’s 2002 Bond girl ‘do at the Marc Jacobs show at Fashion Week in New York yesterday. Think kabuki-face Petunia Pig in a Frankie Valli wig. Grease is definitely the word here. I’d say the Pink Ladies just found their new Rizzo!

With Katie Holmes’ new pageboy haircut, Tom Cruise is finally one step closer to fulfilling all of his completely normal narcissistic fantasies of having sex with himself. No more masturbating to Risky Business and Top Gun for this Hollywood star! A thorough taping of her breasts and strap-on are all that’s standing in the way of Tommy actually getting to pork himself. It’s practically every man’s dream come true!