Newly-married Fergie showed off a darker ‘do in Manhattan over the weekend, and of course, I totally hate it. But I don’t know why I hate it. Do I hate it because it’s Fergie, or do I hate it because it’s a really shitty dye job? It brings to mind the old “tastes great”/”less filling” Miller Lite quandry of Super Bowls past. Fortunately, all my clothes are tear-away and I keep a bottle of baby oil in my purse for just such emergencies. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go ask those girls in HR what they think now. Rowr!

I’m sure you, like me, refrain from watching the evening news or anything deemed “educational television,” so Katie Couric’s new haircut will come to you as a surprise. The NY Daily News says

The boyish pixie cut channeled some of Hillary Clinton’s bad ‘do days [and] was a striking departure from the signature bob. The dramatic chop did little to flatter and even caused Couric’s face to appear different.

And we pretend we’re a nation “ready for change.” Not so! If anything, Americans hate change, be it a newscaster’s haircut or the redefining of the word “marriage.” We prefer to wallow in the familiar embrace of tradition, where everything’s warm and wet and feels the same way going in as it does coming out. Kinda like corn pudding or Paris Hilton’s vagina, but without the unfortunate smell.

Halle Berry was photographed in Vancouver on Sunday with a hairdo that finally answers the age-old question, “What would you get if you crossed Rick James with Justin Guarini and then put tits on it?” I don’t like to point fingers, but I’m pretty sure this is all Canada’s fault. Just like Alanis Morrisette and free health care.

With Katie Holmes’ new pageboy haircut, Tom Cruise is finally one step closer to fulfilling all of his completely normal narcissistic fantasies of having sex with himself. No more masturbating to Risky Business and Top Gun for this Hollywood star! A thorough taping of her breasts and strap-on are all that’s standing in the way of Tommy actually getting to pork himself. It’s practically every man’s dream come true!