You know I like to give you girls something nice to look at, but I didn’t want to leave the guys out of it either. Well, I have come across the perfect solution: Halle Berry and Hugh Jackman at the X-Men Origins: Wolverine premiere! Yes! I have found the perfect balance! Maybe I should move on to achieving world peace now. For now, we can all be at peace ogling these two.
Actress Halle Berry has finally broken into the celebrity fragrance market after two years of researching and studying the art of perfumery. According to the Daily Mail
Halle [said, "My new fragrance] is very sensual, very natural, very much reflective of the outdoors. The top notes of the scent are Sicilian bergamot, fig leaves and pear blossom. I added olibanum, which is an African root, which brings spice to the fragrance, and sandalwood, which smooths everything out and makes it yummy.”
I guess she felt she had to include something indicative of her African heritage to make the perfume truly authentic. Good thing she went with a root instead of Congo-Crimean Hemorrhagic Fever or malaria. I don’t know how well they’d translate with such heavy floral base notes.
Looking gorgeous as usual at the Black Women in Hollywood Awards:
The 40th Annual NAACP Image Awards were last night. I have no idea if they were televised, because I still have the flu and I spent my evening raging with fever, hoping that I might die in my sleep and find an end to my suffering. Alas, I woke up this morning still nine kinds of alive and still feverish, cursing every god I’ve ever heard of. I am not remotely in a good mood, so buckle your chin straps, bitches. Today might be a little bumpy.
Another red carpet, more ladies in dresses…
Rosario Dawson (oooh, pretty):
Halle Berry (drink her in before she shaves her head for Nappily Ever After):
Dakota Fanning (I guess she’s a Strong Black Woman now since she did The Secret Life of Bees):
It’s an ugly day for celebrity hair, folks. First up, Halle Berry’s new ‘do for her role in “Frankie and Alice,” in which she plays a woman struggling with multiple personalities. Yikes. I’m not sure which personality is responsible for that hair, but “Satan” or “man-hating lesbian” is probably a safe bet. No thanks. And then there’s talk show queen Oprah — turns out our lady O has a dykey little secret under that immaculately maintained wig! According to Star Magazine
When Oprah wants to go incognito, she simply takes off her wig to revealed a dyed-blonde buzz cut. “Nobody ever notices Oprah in the gym,” says an eyewitness. “She doesn’t wear makeup or a wig. Her head is practically shaved and she dyes the little hair she does have blonde. If she is recognized, it’s because of her voice!”
I don’t believe that for a second. I mean, come on. No way. Like Oprah ever goes to a gym. Pfft. The only thing that cow is lifting is maybe a deep-fried cannoli up to her big bullfrog mouth. Sorry, but I’m calling bullshit on this one, Star Magazine!
And speaking of bullshit, Kim Kardashian gets banged at the “Empowerment for Africa” dinner last night — and nary a black guy or a video camera in sight! Another Thanksgiving miracle?
Halle Berry was photographed in Vancouver on Sunday with a hairdo that finally answers the age-old question, “What would you get if you crossed Rick James with Justin Guarini and then put tits on it?” I don’t like to point fingers, but I’m pretty sure this is all Canada’s fault. Just like Alanis Morrisette and free health care.
Six months after giving birth and at the age of 42, actress Halle Berry has been named Esquire magazine’s sexiest woman alive. NY Daily News says
At 42, [Halle] feels hotter than ever. [She says in the November issue of the mag] “I know damned well I am sexier now than I used to be. Sexiness is a state of mind. You know the stuff they say about a woman being responsible for her own orgasms? That’s all true. And in my case, that makes me responsible for pretty damned good orgasms these days.”
Well, good for Halle Berry. Good for all the new Hollywood mothers out there in the magical fantasy land of nannies and personal trainers and on-staff chefs and Hydromassage. For the rest of us, becoming a new mom isn’t a exactly a time of sexual rebirth and discovery. In fact, I’m pretty sure the only thing that could make your libido dry up quicker than having a newborn is maybe packing your vagina full of salt and then burying it in lime.
As Election Day nears, you can expect to see more and more celebrities spouting off political rhetoric like the pompous blowhards they all are. I’ve always been of the opinion that celebrities should shut the hell up and get back in their cages and dance like the monkeys they are. They’re here to entertain — possibly show us their tits and/or beaver — not to educate the masses. Come on. Like I’m going to take the guy who got his salad tossed by a dog in “Booty Call” seriously. Please.
So, anyway, enjoy the requisite slew of celebrities in a four-minutes-too-long public service announcement urging you to register to vote. Leonardo DiCaprio, Tobey Maguire, Jennifer Aniston, Halle Berry and Forest Whitaker, just to name a few. Bottom line — vote or don’t vote. Whatever. Both bastards are pretty much the same useless puppets of the Bilderberg New World Order. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss. Everybody knows the only real hope for change is open revolt and exile. Just ask South America!
The first pics of Halle Berry’s baby Nahla were snapped while Halle and mother Judy took in the L.A. Zoo over the weekend. What a little darling! Halle Berry sure makes for a pretty child. You know, standing there next to her blonde mother, holding her blue-eyed child, the product of a French-Canadian caucasoid partner, I’m just reminded of all the things Halle Berry has done for all those “nameless, faceless women of color out there.” That is, surround herself with white people and get a nose job and hair extensions. She’s breaking boundaries, that one!
It seems you can’t turn around these days without being slapped in the face with a celebrity placenta. Babies are 2008’s Birkin bag. And this weekend was no exception, with Us Weekly reporting that actress Halle Berry gave birth to a baby girl on Sunday. When asked for how she felt, Halle said, “Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I’m sorry. This moment is so much bigger than me. This moment is for every nameless, faceless woman of color that now has a chance because this door tonight has been opened. I’m so honored to be the vessel for which His blessing might flow.” And then the collective world rolled its eyes and sighed and yelled “You just got yo’ ass knocked up by a white boy, ya big dummy!” In my experience, the collective world sounds a lot like Fred Sanford.
UPDATE:People magazine reports that Halle and Gabriel have named the baby Nahla Ariela Aubry. So “Lion King” plus “Little Mermaid” minus Mommy’s last name. Also, “Ariela” and “areola” are practically the same word. Just saying.
Halle Berry wore a cleaving-baring Versace gown to the premiere of her new movie ‘Things We Lost In The Fire’ at the London Film Festival, but her mind was still on the fires raging along coastal California. She told Bang Showbiz
“I live in Malibu and so I’m very worried. I’m worried for my friends, my neighbors and my own property too. But it’s Mother Nature and she’s angry.”
Dear God, Please tell me Halle’s currently in the middle of filming “Swordfish II.” Peace on Earth and goodwill towards men. Don’t forget about the boobs. Amen.
Halle Berry has tearfully apologized for making what some members of “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” audience deemed an anti-Semetic joke Friday afternoon. According to Page Six
The Oscar-winning star, on the show to promote her [latest] movie, was showing Leno images of herself using the Mac program Photo Booth, which distorts images like a carnival fun-house mirror. According to one audience member, “She introduced the first photo by saying, ‘Here’s where I look like my Jewish cousin!’ - it was a picture of her with a huge, distorted nose. No one laughed, and Jay nervously said, ‘I’m glad you said that and not me.’ When the show aired, they cut out her ‘Jewish’ comment and added a laugh track to the bit. If you watch the clip, you can see Halle saying the word ‘Jewish,’ though obviously there is no audio. NBC covered her [ass].”
Jesus H. Christ. Jews do have big noses. Just like Asians have slanted eyes, black people have big lips, and white people have flat asses. That isn’t racism. It’s a physiological truth. How do you think forensic scientists are able to drag thirty year old skeletons out of a lake and then reconstruct the person with such remarkable accuracy? It isn’t like there’s a “Jewish and Proud!” or “Caucasoid, Female” stamped on the inside of your skull. The forensic scientist would make note of your brow prominence and the width and length of your nasal cavity, and compare your height against national averages for your respective gender. None of that makes the scientist a racist. His Swastika vanity plates and his “Hooray for Hitler” office decor might, as could his fervent belief that Jews are money-grubbing tightwads responsible for the death of the Christ, but not his saying Jews have big noses. Those are just the facts, man! Sorry, but you just can’t argue with science.
Halle at the “Things We Lost in the Fire” premiere in L.A. October 15th
Halle Berry did just about everything to finally get herself knocked up — and that meant being on the receiving end of as much semen as possible, plus the ever important “stockpiling stuff you pissed all over.” Four out of every eight thousand doctors recommend it! According to Female First
The 41-year-old star revealed she tried everything to conceive, and even believed saving all her negative pregnancy tests would help her chances. [She told Oprah]: “I’m sort of superstitious, so I saved all of the negative pregnancy tests in a drawer. I don’t know why, but I did. After about 35 tests, we finally got a positive test.”
Sure, when Halle Berry’s hoarding a stash of urine-soaked sticks, it’s all “sweet” and “sentimental” and “ooh, let’s tell Oprah.” But when you do it, suddenly it’s a “biohazard” and “nauseating” and “cause for termination.” So maybe it wasn’t so much used pregnancy tests as it was two month’s worth of your own urine in empty spaghetti sauce jars, but that’s beside the point. Urine is urine is urine. I’m sure you already know there’s a real market out there for opiate-free piss. What could you possibly do with a pile of used pregnancy tests? Start a really smelly fire? Some people just can’t stand the idea of free enterprise. I’m pretty sure those people are called “communists.”
More of three months pregnant Halle after the jump
