The first pics of Halle Berry’s baby Nahla were snapped while Halle and mother Judy took in the L.A. Zoo over the weekend. What a little darling! Halle Berry sure makes for a pretty child. You know, standing there next to her blonde mother, holding her blue-eyed child, the product of a French-Canadian caucasoid partner, I’m just reminded of all the things Halle Berry has done for all those “nameless, faceless women of color out there.” That is, surround herself with white people and get a nose job and hair extensions. She’s breaking boundaries, that one!

It seems you can’t turn around these days without being slapped in the face with a celebrity placenta. Babies are 2008’s Birkin bag. And this weekend was no exception, with Us Weekly reporting that actress Halle Berry gave birth to a baby girl on Sunday. When asked for how she felt, Halle said, “Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I’m sorry. This moment is so much bigger than me. This moment is for every nameless, faceless woman of color that now has a chance because this door tonight has been opened. I’m so honored to be the vessel for which His blessing might flow.” And then the collective world rolled its eyes and sighed and yelled “You just got yo’ ass knocked up by a white boy, ya big dummy!” In my experience, the collective world sounds a lot like Fred Sanford.

UPDATE: People magazine reports that Halle and Gabriel have named the baby Nahla Ariela Aubry. So “Lion King” plus “Little Mermaid” minus Mommy’s last name. Also, “Ariela” and “areola” are practically the same word. Just saying.

Halle in Santa Monica on Friday:

Halle Berry wore a cleaving-baring Versace gown to the premiere of her new movie ‘Things We Lost In The Fire’ at the London Film Festival, but her mind was still on the fires raging along coastal California. She told Bang Showbiz

“I live in Malibu and so I’m very worried. I’m worried for my friends, my neighbors and my own property too. But it’s Mother Nature and she’s angry.”

Dear God, Please tell me Halle’s currently in the middle of filming “Swordfish II.” Peace on Earth and goodwill towards men. Don’t forget about the boobs. Amen.

P.S. Boobs.

Halle Berry has tearfully apologized for making what some members of “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno” audience deemed an anti-Semetic joke Friday afternoon. According to Page Six

The Oscar-winning star, on the show to promote her [latest] movie, was showing Leno images of herself using the Mac program Photo Booth, which distorts images like a carnival fun-house mirror. According to one audience member, “She introduced the first photo by saying, ‘Here’s where I look like my Jewish cousin!’ - it was a picture of her with a huge, distorted nose. No one laughed, and Jay nervously said, ‘I’m glad you said that and not me.’ When the show aired, they cut out her ‘Jewish’ comment and added a laugh track to the bit. If you watch the clip, you can see Halle saying the word ‘Jewish,’ though obviously there is no audio. NBC covered her [ass].”

Jesus H. Christ. Jews do have big noses. Just like Asians have slanted eyes, black people have big lips, and white people have flat asses. That isn’t racism. It’s a physiological truth. How do you think forensic scientists are able to drag thirty year old skeletons out of a lake and then reconstruct the person with such remarkable accuracy? It isn’t like there’s a “Jewish and Proud!” or “Caucasoid, Female” stamped on the inside of your skull. The forensic scientist would make note of your brow prominence and the width and length of your nasal cavity, and compare your height against national averages for your respective gender. None of that makes the scientist a racist. His Swastika vanity plates and his “Hooray for Hitler” office decor might, as could his fervent belief that Jews are money-grubbing tightwads responsible for the death of the Christ, but not his saying Jews have big noses. Those are just the facts, man! Sorry, but you just can’t argue with science.

Halle at the “Things We Lost in the Fire” premiere in L.A. October 15th

Halle Berry did just about everything to finally get herself knocked up — and that meant being on the receiving end of as much semen as possible, plus the ever important “stockpiling stuff you pissed all over.” Four out of every eight thousand doctors recommend it! According to Female First

The 41-year-old star revealed she tried everything to conceive, and even believed saving all her negative pregnancy tests would help her chances. [She told Oprah]: “I’m sort of superstitious, so I saved all of the negative pregnancy tests in a drawer. I don’t know why, but I did. After about 35 tests, we finally got a positive test.”

Sure, when Halle Berry’s hoarding a stash of urine-soaked sticks, it’s all “sweet” and “sentimental” and “ooh, let’s tell Oprah.” But when you do it, suddenly it’s a “biohazard” and “nauseating” and “cause for termination.” So maybe it wasn’t so much used pregnancy tests as it was two month’s worth of your own urine in empty spaghetti sauce jars, but that’s beside the point. Urine is urine is urine. I’m sure you already know there’s a real market out there for opiate-free piss. What could you possibly do with a pile of used pregnancy tests? Start a really smelly fire? Some people just can’t stand the idea of free enterprise. I’m pretty sure those people are called “communists.”

More of three months pregnant Halle after the jump

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