It’s pretty obvious that former “Girl Next Door” Bridget Marquadt isn’t gonna bow out of the whore game gracefully anytime soon, even though she’s pushing 40. She’s gonna be one of those who has to be dragged away kicking and screaming and clawing for her lucite heels and rhinestone g-strings, hollering about how sexy a cougar she is. Of Mice and Men style is really the only merciful way to go here. Tell me about the pasties, George!

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Gwen Stefani’s Cinderella doesn’t look anything like the Cinderella I met at Disney World when I was a kid. This Cinderella looks like she should be offering to bareback guys for meth under the Magic Kingdom overpass.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

It’s officially Halloween today, and I’m sure most of you are so hungover right now that you can actually see the outline of your liver through your shirt. Me too. Even typing hurts this morning. Every keystroke might as well be an army of steel-beaked woodpeckers to the side of my skull. It’s awful. In fact, the only thing worse than typing this hungover is probably reading it hungover. I’ll just make it easier for both of us and stop now.

Heidi Klum as Slim Goodbody’s wet dream:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Boy, this must be why Linus never sees the Great Pumpkin. Christina Aguilera’s giant ass has been in the way this whole time.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Kate Beckinsale as the Bride of Frankenstein? More like Kate Beckinsale as the Bride of Boner-stein! Yeah, well, fuck you, too. I’ve been throwing up Mike & Ike’s and grain alcohol for the last two hours. You should know better than to expect quality writing the day after Halloween.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Kim Kardashian tried on a bunch of slutty Halloween costumes and let her fans decide what she was going to wear to Heidi Klum’s annual Halloween party, and this is what they picked. Little Head Red Riding Hood. Bo-ring! She didn’t post any pictures of herself wearing the costume I sent her, but I know it totally would have won if she had. It was just one of those bibs they clip around your neck at the dentist, only I had written the words “Squirt Here” and drawn an arrow with a magic marker. I guess it was just too subtle and understated for Kim Kardashian.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

A lot of women use Halloween as a chance to shamelessly whore themselves out, but not Heidi Klum. Heidi Klum is fucking serious about Halloween. She totally pwns everybody else’s costume every single year, hands down. There’s no point in even trying to beat her. You could light yourself on fire from inside an iron lung being pulled by an elephant wearing a Bette Midler wig and tap shoes and you’d still only look half as cool as she did.

As Electra from Starlight Express:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Coco is a great visual reminder that you can’t spell “classy” without the word “ass.” You also can’t spell “assertoric” without the word “ass,” but I don’t really see how Aristotlean logic ties in with anything here. Let’s try and keep it relevant, people.

One more of her other S&M outfit and a week’s worth of Twitter pics:

Here’s desperate attention-seeker Kim Kardashian skanking it up in another Disney costume for Halloween, this time as Snow White from “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.” But Kim doesn’t look like the Snow White I remember from the classic Disney movie. She looks more like that chick from “Blow White and the Seven Whores” — Easy, Gropey, Cock, Horny, Anal, and Humpy. There wasn’t a whole lot of whistling while they worked, as I recall. Mostly just screaming and moaning and the occasional gagging noise.

♫”I can show you the world”♫… or you could just show me your tits. I’m pretty sure that’s the only thing anyone really cares about seeing here.

Kim Kardashian as “Aladdin’s” Jasmine for Halloween:

Now that she’s had a change of heart and decided to embrace her Latina roots, Jessica Alba dressed up as Dora the Explorer for Halloween. Just one of many “eh-strong Latina woman” costumes from which to choose if you’re a girl of color, I’m sure. Like, um… let’s see… well, there’s Rosario from “Will and Grace.” She’s one. And that midget from Fantasy Island, whats-her-name. (On second thought, that might have been a man. I don’t think anybody really knows for sure.) Oh, and Charo, right? I almost forgot about Charo! Cuchi-cuchi! See, there’s a ton of options. Good for Jessica for trouncing the traditional demeaning Latina eh-stereotype.

Jessica Alba as Dora and husband Cash Warren as Diego:

Kate Beckinsale as Adam Ant:

Helena Christensen as a painter’s palette:

Brooke Shields in a Cleopatra flapper wig as… her daughter’s pimp? I don’t know:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News Online

Now here’s a costume that’s all trick and no treat! The trick of course being “an enormous shoehorn and two industrial-sized tubs of Crisco.” Mariah would have made a much more convincing Huttese crime lord or Outer Rim gas giant.

Cheesah beecha wonky Chewbacca:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News Online

Even MORE of Fatty Fatty Fat Fat after the jump!

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