As if one Gwyneth Paltrow wasn’t bad enough, thanks to the wizards at Harper’s Bazaar, you now know what it’s like to be surrounded by four of her. It’s a nice photoshop trick, but in real life that much cunty pretentiousness in one room would probably summon a winter that would last for a thousand years.
I would confidently face the morning with a steely gaze and my hands on my hips in $700 bikini if I had a body like Rosie Huntington-Whiteley’s. In fact, it’s how I’d greet every morning. And also every early afternoon. And myself in the mirror.
New mom Miranda Kerr shows off her cute little tushy in next month’s Harper’s Bazaar magazine. Funny how the word “tushy” just sucks the sex appeal right out of it. It’s the verbal equivalent of her lying naked on the bed in front of a row of Madame Alexander dolls.
Lady Gaga gets laid bare in the upcoming issue of Harper’s Bazaar in a supposedly makeup-free photo shoot that reveals her “natural” self. Natural except for the eye shadow, eyebrow bleach, lipstick, powder and wig she’s wearing, of course. The rest is all Gaga. The Daily Mail says:
Lady Gaga, 25, has stripped off the layers of foundation and modesty to talk candidly with Harper’s Bazaar about the person behind the costumes, while posing for a rare natural cover shot.
‘Whether I’m wearing lots of makeup or no makeup, I’m always the same person inside,’ said the singer.
Thank God for all the makeup. More makeup, I say. Keep that shit under wraps. I, for one, am glad we can’t see who she is on the inside. That’s where she keeps her shame and undescended testicles.
This new look is actually her latest persona “Nymph,” which she debuted in the first of five “fashion films” for “You And I” called “Haus Of U featuring Nymph” after the jump (no, seriously):
Following in the footsteps of her idol Gwyneth Paltrow, Beyonce takes to Harper’s Bazaar to do a little cross-magazine-article ego-stroking. Get a room, ladies. Says Digital Spy,
Beyoncé has said that she wants to be more like friend Gwyneth Paltrow.
In an interview with Harper’s Bazaar, the ‘Run The World (Girls)’ singer revealed that she holds Paltrow in high esteem and admires the way she lives her life.
“She pushes her boundaries all the time. You go to her house and she makes you feel like you never want to go home. She is what I strive to be one day,” Beyoncé said.
The 29-year-old also gave high praise to Lady GaGa, who she collaborated with on ‘Telephone’, adding: “She’s not afraid. I love that. She wanted me to do something crazy, and so I just rolled with it.”
Beyoncé was recently rumored to be writing a soul food cookbook, for which she is said to have sought advice from Paltrow.
I’m sorry, what? A black woman asking for advice about soul food from a hoity-toity skinny white lady? It’s been 146 years since slavery was abolished, and Aunt Jemima is still pouring on the kiss-ass to whitey.
Does Massa’s wife know you’re playing dress-up with her clothes?
Christina Hendricks in Harper’s Bazaar shows you exactly why you don’t put anything snack-sized in front of a big girl unless you want her to eat it. That goes double if it’s shiny. You know what else is shiny? That glaze they put on pound cake. And the foil wrappers on Ho-Hos. You might as well wave a deep-fried red flag in front of a bull.
She might be box office poison and bonafide man-repellent, but Jennifer Aniston’s personal life is finally starting to look up. Star Magazine says:
Jennifer has reunited with her ex John Mayer!
Jen and John met up for a romantic rendezvous earlier this month in New York City. “The meetup had to be on the down-low,” an insider tells Star. “He paid for a private jet so no one would know.”
After two failed attempts at romance, Jen and John have been working towards reconciliation since January. “She tried to be with other guys, but the feelings Jen has for John are the strongest she’s had since she split from Brad Pitt,” says the insider. “And she can’t give up on that.”
That’s right, Jen. Never give up. You just keep beating that dead horse. And when you start to get tired, well, you beat it even harder. Eventually, you’ll get something out of it. Even if its just the contents of its colon all over your designer shoes. From a single girl’s perspective, that’s just as good as a detectable pulse.
Jen playing “dress-up like a retard” for next month’s Harper’s Bazaar:
Jennifer Aniston knows you’re laughing at her. I think I might almost feel a little bad for her. That is, if I could muster the strength to care at all. Says Us Weekly,
“People laugh at me. Sometimes I know why, and sometimes I don’t,” the 41-year-old actress tells the September issue of Harper’s Bazaar, in which she channels 68-year-old Barbra Streisand’s iconic poses from Funny Girl and What’s Up, Doc?
Continues Aniston, “But I can pretty much find humor in anything. That is a necessary part of life. I don’t want to say laughter is healing, because it sounds corny, but it’s a release.”
Aniston compares herself to Streisand.
“[Barbra and I] are people who have been put in the spotlight, for better or for worse, and you just keep riding, and you keep overcoming,” she says.
“Barbra inspires me because there isn’t anything she hasn’t done that she wanted to do, especially as a female in the time when her generation was prime. She’s a true renais sance woman… I had a long conversation with Barbra about directing because I directed a short a couple years ago, and if I don’t do it again soon, I’m going to burst out of my skin. And we also love interior design.”
“You don’t have to stop at one thing. You can do it all if you want to,” Aniston goes on.
You’re exactly like Barbra Streisand, Jennifer. Except for that part that Barbra is a successful, talented singer/actress/director/songwriter, while your talent is mediocre at best, and you just can’t shake the feeling of inferiority that came from being dumped by Brad Pitt for Angelina Jolie. Other than that, you girls could be twins, it’s scary.
Posing like Barbra in September’s Bazaar:
Kim Kardashian jumps on the Britney Spears and Jessica Simpson bandwagon and poses nude without any help from Photoshop in the May issue of Harper’s Bazaar. The NY Daily News says
“I think the message is embrace your curves and who you are,” Kardashian, 29, says [of the shoot]. “I feel proud if young girls look up to me and say, ‘I’m curvy, and I’m proud of it now.’”
Good for her. She really is a positive role model. She’s forging into new territory for all of womankind with this shoot. We’ve never seen her naked and sprawled out on the floor before. At least not without a black guy standing directly over her and urinating in the foreground. Way to break down those walls, Kim!
Joy Bryant also casting off the preconceived notions about unrealistic and idealized images of Western beauty in Harper’s Bazzaar (thumb 1), and Doutzen Kroes defining unrealistic and unattainable idealized Western beauty in Numero Tokyo magazine (the rest):
The geniuses over at Harper’s Bazaar axed this magnificent picture of Megan Fox on all fours in a swimsuit, but kept this one of her dressed like fucking The Karate Kid doing yoga in their April issue instead. Makes perfect sense… if you’re gay. Not since the Pontiac Aztek and “Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot” have such bad ideas been forced on an unsuspecting public.
Megan Fox might have done everything humanly possibly to be perceived as a sex symbol, but she insists in the April issue of Harper’s Bazaar that she’s not actually a dirty slut . The NY Daily News says
The “Transformers” star opened up to the U.K. edition of Harper’s Bazaar, revealing that she has only slept with two men – her current boyfriend, former “Beverly Hills, 90210″ star Brian Austin Green, and her “childhood sweetheart.”
“I can never have sex with someone that I don’t love, ever,” she reveals. “The idea makes me sick. I’ve never even come close to having a one-night stand.”
Well, I took it upon myself to write a user-friendly guide for determining the current market value on your puss, because surprisingly, no one had yet invented that. I call the “Abby Blue Book,” very reminiscent of the automotive industry’s Kelley Blue Book, only instead of mileage and condition of your car, we’re talking number of wieners you played pincushion to your freshman year of college. Long story short, I did the math, punched in all the variables and aftermarket accessories, and discovered that technically, Megan Fox still qualifies as a virgin. It seems that the Abby Blue Book fails to recognize high school sex as actual intercourse on the grounds that you were doing it all wrong and fumbly for all of three and a half minutes in the back of your mom’s minivan in a Burger King parking lot. More importantly, it also seems that the Abby Blue Book does not recognize Brian Austin Green as ever having a penis, instead listing him under the heading “douchenozzle.” So, anyway, congratulations, Megan Fox! My handy book and I just saved you a fortune on hymen-reconstruction surgery. Reserve your copy today!
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