The geniuses over at Harper’s Bazaar axed this magnificent picture of Megan Fox on all fours in a swimsuit, but kept this one of her dressed like fucking The Karate Kid doing yoga in their April issue instead. Makes perfect sense… if you’re gay. Not since the Pontiac Aztek and “Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot” have such bad ideas been forced on an unsuspecting public.

Megan Fox might have done everything humanly possibly to be perceived as a sex symbol, but she insists in the April issue of Harper’s Bazaar that she’s not actually a dirty slut . The NY Daily News says

The “Transformers” star opened up to the U.K. edition of Harper’s Bazaar, revealing that she has only slept with two men – her current boyfriend, former “Beverly Hills, 90210″ star Brian Austin Green, and her “childhood sweetheart.”

“I can never have sex with someone that I don’t love, ever,” she reveals. “The idea makes me sick. I’ve never even come close to having a one-night stand.”

Well, I took it upon myself to write a user-friendly guide for determining the current market value on your puss, because surprisingly, no one had yet invented that. I call the “Abby Blue Book,” very reminiscent of the automotive industry’s Kelley Blue Book, only instead of mileage and condition of your car, we’re talking number of wieners you played pincushion to your freshman year of college. Long story short, I did the math, punched in all the variables and aftermarket accessories, and discovered that technically, Megan Fox still qualifies as a virgin. It seems that the Abby Blue Book fails to recognize high school sex as actual intercourse on the grounds that you were doing it all wrong and fumbly for all of three and a half minutes in the back of your mom’s minivan in a Burger King parking lot. More importantly, it also seems that the Abby Blue Book does not recognize Brian Austin Green as ever having a penis, instead listing him under the heading “douchenozzle.” So, anyway, congratulations, Megan Fox! My handy book and I just saved you a fortune on hymen-reconstruction surgery. Reserve your copy today!

After a tumultuous year of triumph and sorrow, Lily Allen Cutewatch ’09 is wrapping things up, my pretties.  We’ve had some good times (remember the trouser vendetta and the ducky outfit?) and some sad times (more often than not, Lily and I were in a fight) and then Lily went and broke my heart when she announced her two-year hiatus from music and then basically became a damn hermit.  So there may or may not be a Lily Allen Cutewatch ’10 or a Cutewatch ’11 but by God, THERE WILL BE A CUTEWATCH ’12!

In the meantime, my beloved Lily Allen will be gracing the pages of the January 2010 Harper’s Bazaar Russia, because why not?  Russia is just about as far away as she can possibly get, and we all know how she likes to play peek-a-boo with our hearts.  I can let Lily run though, because much like Pepé Le Pew, I have unshakable faith in the power of our imaginary platonic love affair.  Besides, if I keep skipping along, I will eventually catch up with her.

Divinely crazy and topless (as usual) in the January 2010 Harper’s Bazaar Russia:

Dita Von Teese’s outfit here is pretty, um, ambitious?.  The last time I tried dressing up as Our Lady of Guadalupe was when I got knocked up by the UPS guy and I tried to pass off the pregnancy as divine. Didn’t really fly. Hope things go better for Dita!

I suppose if the other outfit was the virginal Mary, this is…um, the sexy demon of bicycling?

Dad always used to say, “It’s amazing what a little makeup and a shave can do for a gal.” Of course, he was talking about the tranny prostitute he was arrested for soliciting, but I think it still applies here.

Britain’s Got Talent’s Susan Boyle all clean-shaven for next month’s Harper’s Bazaar:

Sienna Miller has a spread in next month’s Russian Harper’s Bazaar that’s supposed to be all “sexy” and “cutting edge,” but it comes across more “disheveled” and “confused,” like a hobo trapped in a bathroom at a petting zoo. Or, you know, like you just woke up in a motel room in Guadalajara next to a live goat and a sea captain with an actual hook for a hand. Hey, what happens in the ’90′s stays in the 90′s, I always say! Well, except for the herpes, of course. That one stays with you forever.

Victoria Beckham will be smirking at you in mild disdain from the January ’09 cover of Harper’s Bazaar.  Read that article.  Seriously — the stuff about the shoes alone is priceless.

I know Posh is tiny and kind of orange and totally crazy and has gigantic fake boobs bigger than her head and she won’t stop cutting her hair in odd ways and she wears the most bonkers stuff she can get her wee hands on, but I love her anyway.  I have no idea why.  She’s just one of those people who barrels straight through goddamn insane and comes rocketing out the other side and slides right into amusingly charming.  I think it has something to do with the way she puts on these effing weird as hell outfits and then just stares into the camera, all, “Yeah.  This is nuts.  YOU LOVE IT.”  And I do!  I do love it.