I’ve never been a fan of Hayden Panettiere. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her in anything, so I can’t comment on her acting skills. I don’t think she’s particularly beautiful, and she doesn’t have anything that really recommends herself to me. I just realized that I needed to see her play tennis in a bikini. That Hayden Panettiere, she’s really something, isn’t she?

Playing tennis (and shooting a few hoops with boyfriend Scotty McKnight in Hawaii:

44-year-old Julia Roberts in a bikini isn’t bad, but then 44-year-old Julia Roberts in a bikini isn’t good, either. Welcome to the Switzerland of celebrity swimsuit pictures.

In Hawaii with her three kids Hazel, Phinnaeus and Henry (whose names are now etched on her body in the traditional tramp stamp fashion):

Here’s Miley Cyrus in a bikini with boyfriend Liam Hemsworth in Hawaii, living proof that hillbillies can clean up okay, once you look past the over-sized teeth and vaguely retarded expressions. Or, you can just close your eyes and use your hands. That’s my preferred method, anyway.

Normally when you say, “Hollywood actress in a bikini”, that’s a good thing. Unfortunately if you’re Kirsten Dunst, it elicits a reaction less “Oooh” and more “Ehhhhh” or downright “Ewwww”. Porcelain skin works on some people, but if it’s attached to Snaggletooth here, it’s more like someone dredged up some pasty creature of the deep that’s never seen the light of day. I’d imagine that even if fair Venus emerged from the sea, she’d wrinkle her patrician nose and poke the offending creature with a stick.

In Hawaii:

Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Put boxing gloves on two of Hollywood’s most worthless and people will line up to see them go at it. Digital Spy reports,

Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton have been offered a combined fee of $1 million to compete in a celebrity boxing match.

Hollywood Boxing Federation’s Damon Feldman said that proceeds from the bout would be donated to an anti-drug and alcohol charity, RadarOnline reports.

Feldman said: “We’re calling it the battle of the bad girls of Hollywood… This is a perfect way for the two ladies to give back.

“This would be nothing more than a fun match-up, and Paris and Lindsay have both dabbled with boxing training in the past.”

He noted that, should they agree to compete over three one-minute rounds, the women would be kitted out in “big pillow-sized boxing gloves”.

“[Lindsay's father] Michael could even help train Lindsay as he is undefeated in Celebrity Boxing,” Feldman added.

They’re going at this all wrong. If you really want people to come and pay to see Lindsay and Paris fight each other, it can’t be with big pillowy gloves. Tell the contestants that the winner gets a lifetime supply of drugs, booze and Valtrex. Then you hand them sawed-off shotguns. It might get a little bloody, but come on, it’s for charity!

Jessica Biel in a bikini in Hawaii, because let’s face it, no one wants to see more of either Lindsay or Paris:

Britney Spears showed off in yet another bikini yesterday while on her Hawaiian honeymoon-before-the-honeymoon vacation with rumored fiance Jason Trawick, and I have to admit — the suit actually looks pretty good on her. It’s a flattering cut and it fits her well, and I think jewel tones really do wonders for her complexion. “Plus it done hid all the baked bean stains what was spilt on it at breakfast,” she said in between bites of a chicken leg. “And I kin untie it here,” she added, gesturing at the nape of her neck with the drumstick, “and use it for a napkin if’n I was to git nacho cheese on my face.” That’s what you call form and function, my friends.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures, Bauer-Griffin Online

Exciting news this morning — a solar system containing at least five planets orbiting a sun-like star has been discovered 127 light years from our Earth. Also, Britney Spears was in a bikini yesterday. The two are largely unrelated. The Daily Mail says:

Astronomers have confirmed the presence of five planets and have tantalizing evidence of two more.

The planetary system is believed to be the largest ever discovered beyond the sun.

And it comes as NASA has said that it plans to make an announcement about an ‘intriguing’ planetary system [with more than 700 possible planets] that it has discovered using the Kepler space telescope.

The conference is scheduled for 1pm EDT.

More importantly, with the dawning of this new era into exoplanetary research, scientists at the European Southern Observatory believe they can now pinpoint exactly what planet Britney Spears has been living on for the last eight years. Welcome to the final frontier, bitches!

Britney in Hawaii with boyfriend Jason Trawick:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

Entertainment Tonight aired exclusive photos last night from Megan Fox and Brian Austin Greene’s secret Hawaiian wedding late last month. Megan is shown barefoot in a strapless silk chiffon gown, carrying a bouquet of white gardenias and roses. Brian wore a white shirt and white linen pants, as did his son Kassius, who carried the rings in a conch shell. They were given traditional leis following the ceremony, which was performed by a man in a toga waving a tea leaf. At that point I assume Brian fashioned a makeshift raft out of sea turtles and sailed off into the sunset, because he just made off with the hottest ass in Hollywood. It only makes sense that he’d be part pirate.

I won’t be coughing up the eight-fifty to see Adam Sandler’s new movie “Just Go With It,” and if you had any brains at all, you wouldn’t either. Doctors tell me that “You Don’t Mess with the Zohan” is the reason I’m no longer able to love. I’d say more, but ongoing litigation with Happy Madison Productions legally prevents me from doing so. Is this really the kind of chance you’re willing to take just because Brooklyn Decker’s in a bikini?

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer Griffin Online

Apparently Hawaii is where the rainbow ends, because not one, but TWO leprechauns were spotted cavorting on the beaches there yesterday. They must keep the pot of gold in that canoe they’re paddling around in. Tricksy hobbitses!

Little people, big world, even bigger nausea:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer Griffin Online

In case you’re wondering, Lindsay Lohan isn’t anorexic because she suffers from body issue distortion and weight issues; she’s anorexic because she wants you to feel sorry for her. Apparently being sorry she hasn’t killed herself yet doesn’t count. A friend of hers told People Magazine

“She is a self-destructive person. It’s all part of her cry for attention. She wants Sam [Ronson, her ex-girlfriend] to see how bad she’s hurting and she wants Hollywood to see her as a ‘tortured artist’ who is wasting away.”

Funny, I see less of a “tortured artist” and more of a “Hamburglar’s slutty little sister after a crippling bout of dysentery.” I guess it’s really all about perspective.

In Hawaii with sister Ali yesterday:

with her younger sister Ali and a few friends.