The Emmy Awards happened last night. It was their 60th anniversary, so they decided to celebrate with the most boring show in the history of the universe, hosted by the shanty town of tool sheds pictured above. Okay, so Heidi Klum isn’t a complete tool shed, at least comparatively. She is, however, dressed like a lunatic. There’s some sort of inexplicable grandma shawl, and her earrings look like they’re attacking her face. I guess it’s fine though, since she only wore this getup for about fifteen minutes. I stopped keeping track of her wardrobe changes after the third or fourth time I fell asleep. I’ve seen class plays at elementary schools that were more entertaining than the Emmys.
Because I am a giver and I suffer for you, I watched the entire sideshow of somnolence and I can tell you that there were exactly three funny moments. Jesus, the show was boring. Josh Groban did this… I don’t even know, it was some kind of singing thing that felt like what would happen during a telethon in hell, and it lasted for about eleven and a half hours. I don’t really want to talk about it anymore. Oh look, Christina Hendricks is here to help!
It’s hard to know what to hate more about Heroes actress Hayden Panettiere here — the “Shabooya! hat,” the “rockstar” necklace, or the chain mail bikini. The only way that outfit would ever work is if she were a rapping stripper who journeyed back in time to the Middle Ages, and even that doesn’t excuse the hat. Maybe if you were a rapping stripper who suffered extensive brain damage at the hands of an out-of-control oxcart and syphilis. Toss in a midget and Martin Lawrence and you got yourself bonafide Wayans Brothers comedy gold! Rated PG-13 for drug use, sexual references, language, and brief nudity.
Hayden Panettiere performed a striptease earlier this month for boyfriend Milo Ventimiglia’s 31st birthday, ripping off a Velcro-lined version of her cheerleader outfit to prance around in red lingerie. Also on hand to enjoy the show? Everyone who happened to be on the Heroes set that day. Happy birthday, Milo! A source told Digital Spy
“Hayden asked the wardrobe girls to make her a Velcro-lined version of the outfit she wears on the show. As she sang ‘Happy Birthday’ to Milo in front of cast and crew during lunch she ripped off the costume to show off her sexy red lingerie [sic] in a bump-and-grind striptease. Milo’s face went bright red.”
If there’s one thing boys like for their birthdays, it’s their girlfriends showing tits and ass to the people he works with. Believe me, they eat that shit up. Even better if you start grabbing singles with your ass cheeks and smashing the guys from accounting’s faces between your boobies. Now, for a special occasion like an anniversary or Christmas, you should skip the T & A show altogether and get right to blowing his boss. Make sure you’ve wrapped his boss’ balls in tissue paper and tied one of those curly ribbons around it so that when he’s teabagging you in the break room, your boyfriend can see his special gift on full display. Remember, any good gift is one part thought, two parts penetration presentation!
Fully clothed at the Universal 2008 Press Tour All-Star party last week:
It’s hard to remember a time when I felt as much rage as I did after watching the video for Hayden Panettiere’s new music video. That time I broke my pinky toe in the shower? The “Old Gringo incident” at the company picnic? My wedding night? Not even close. “Wake Up Call” is an interminable three and a half minutes of Blue Steel and Le Tigre set to a bastard version of Paris Hilton’s “The Stars Are Blind.” Don’t worry — the eye twitch probably won’t set in until the 1:15 mark. If you can even make it that far, that is. I find that Old Gringo and burning your forearms with cigarettes really helps.
“Heroes” star Hayden Panettiere is front and center on the cover of the June issue of Glamour U.K., opening up on what it’s like to be a little person in a big world and pretending to be bisexual because nobody gives a rat’s ass about her. Hayden says
“It’s great to be single. It’s great to have boyfriends. Or girlfriends. There are occasions when you kiss your best friend growing up, having fun and goofing about. Like perfecting your technique.”
I don’t know why Hayden thinks that her sexuality is so elemental to her self-worth. She’s so much more than that. If only she could look inward and draw strength from the proud heritage of her people, like she did at the Battle for Helms Deep. “Let them come! There is one Dwarf yet in Moria who still draws breath!” Still her finest bearded role to date.
An arrest warrant has been issued in Japan for Hayden Panettiere for her part in a protest against the slaughter of dolphins off the coast of Taji. According to People Magazine
“I learned today that I have an arrest warrant out for me in Japan because of what I did for Save the Whales,” Panettiere, 18, is quoted as telling E! News. Asked what the repercussions might be from the warrant, Panettiere said, “Potentially jail, but I doubt it. I guess they could come here and get us, but probably not.”
Jail? I don’t think so. Uh-uh. This is Japan we’re talking about. The country where you can buy used school girl underpants out of a vending machine or be a porn star by pissing your pants in public. I figure instead of jail they’ll find a way to incorporate mayonnaise and live sea urchins in little boys’ nostrils, or something else inconceivably despicable. The Japanese might have their technology and their ridiculous SAT scores and their unparalleled work ethic, but here in the States, we’ve got normal porn, and we’ve got plenty of it. That has to count for something! I say the fate of our society rests in your collective clenched fist, America. I hereby decree it your civic duty to masturbate*. Prove yourself a patriot and rub one out for the boys overseas!
*Feel free to reference this article when explaining the bukkake collection to your mother/girlfriend/grandmother/horribly scarred kids on the playground.
Hayden photoshopped within an inch of her life in Vanity Fair:
