You would think it would be impossible to make a video of a girl taking a big load of champagne in the face bukkake-style unsexy, but you’d be fucking wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. All you have to do is show the champagne hitting her face in reverse slow motion and star Hayden Panettiere. I’ve seen footage of college girls throwing up after a kegstand that was sexier than this crap.

Other inexplicably unsexy pictures of Hayden:

Hayden Panettiere wants you to know she’s so current and so Now. Nothing says “I’m relevant!” like a little lesbian action.  Snore. From Celebrity Rush:

The 20-year-old actress had no problem locking lips with Madeline Zima, who plays Hayden’s character Claire Bennet’s roommate Gretchen Berg on US TV show
‘Heroes’, as she thinks it’s something lots of girls do.

Hayden said: “It’s very exciting! When you are young, you experiment and you have fun. It truly is a person that she just falls in love
with, because she fulfils her and she is her best friend.”

Hayden has previously spoken about her own lesbian experiences, admitting she “experimented” with her female pals when she was younger.

She said: “It’s great to be single. It’s great to have boyfriends. Or girlfriends. There are occasions when you kiss your best friend growing up, having fun and goofing about. Like perfecting your technique.”

I’ll have you know that I got plenty of practice perfecting my technique, and I didn’t need any girls to help me with it. Well, I couldn’t exactly get any girls to help me with it. Or boys, for that matter. But it was all good, I had my good ol’ trusty pillow to help me with that! Suck on THAT, Hayden Panettiere!

At the 6th Annual Hollywood Style Awards:

The Greeks use the word “philia” to describe the kind of love shared between lifelong friends, but “Greek” is also what prostitutes say when they’re talking about doing anal. I’ll let you decide what kind of Greek action is going on in this picture of Owen Wilson and Woody Harrelson, but unless I’ve been doing it wrong all this time, I’m pretty sure that qualifies as spooning. All the perks of doggy style without any of the impersonality!

Less gay pics of Hayden Panettiere swimming with dolphins in a Whaleman Foundation documentary:

In honor of July 4th, I decided to put up these pictures of Hayden Panettiere in next month’s Seventeen magazine. Because really, what’s more American than looking at pictures of barely legal teenage girls on your computer? It’s what John Adams and Thomas Jefferson would have wanted. U-S-A! U-S-A!

“Heroes” Hayden Panettiere is C-list at best and remarkably uninteresting, which explains her big decision to drop trou on the big screen in her new shitty movie. According to People Magazine

In the movie ["I Love You, Beth Cooper"], Panettiere plays a high school cheerleader and the object of dorky Denis Cooverman’s affection, and in one locker room scene, the actress drops her towel.

“It didn’t bother me much,” Panettiere said of shooting the reveal. “I was fine.”

She added, “I have the body… if I can’t flaunt it at 20, come on! I might as well show it now.”

Look, naked or not, all I know is if you catch her, she has to grant you a wish. Leprechaun code of honor and all.

Flaunting a bikini in Cannes last month:

There’s a new celebrity catfight in town, boys and girls, and it smells like rotten tuna melt and fried circuit boards: Lindsay Lohan is reportedly pissed at Katie Holmes for stealing next month’s Glamour cover away from her. A classic case of man vs. machine! MSNBC says

The leggings entrepreneur/actress was expected to appear on the cover of the April edition of Glamour magazine, but instead the coveted cover went to Holmes.

“(Lohan) did this big Madonna-themed photo shoot and she was totally under the impression it would be the cover,” says the source. “Only she wasn’t on the cover, Katie was, and she’s mad at her now.”

I’d put my money on Lindsay Lohan any day of the week. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from watching “Terminator” and “The Matrix,” it’s never to underestimate the human in a fight against the computers. Especially if that human subsists entirely on Red Bull and cocaine. John Connor’s got nothin’ on that bitch.

The iconic Glamour shoot, with Alexis Bledel as Rosie the Riveter, Chanel Iman as Althea Gibson, Hayden Panettiere as Amelia Earhart, Emma Roberts as Audrey Hepburn, Camilla Belle as Mary Tyler Moore, Emma Stone as Carrie Bradshaw, Elisha Cuthbert as Brandi Chastain, America Ferrera as Dolores Huerta, Alicia Keys as First Lady Michelle Obama, Paula Patton as Billie Holiday, Odette Yustman, Spencer Grammer, Rumer Willis as The Women of Woodstock, and one more of Lindsay as Madonna:

“Heroes” actress Hayden Panettiere arrived at the Madonna concert in Los Angeles on Friday in a cut-to-there top and a necklace that appeared to have been fashioned from solid gold mooring rope. Apparently the S.S. No Tits wanted to drop anchor and rest pierside for a while. Ten bucks says any seaman on board that ship bypassed the “booby hatch” and headed straight for the ol’ “poop deck!” Sailors often refer to that as “caught between the Devil and the deep brown sea.”

Usually, you have to pay $19.95 to get a good look at a barely legal girl’s panties. Also, you usually enjoy seeing the barely legal girl’s panties. Unfortunately, neither is the case here.

More of Hayden Panettiere flashing her giant underpants on Ellen yesterday:

The Emmy Awards happened last night.  It was their 60th anniversary, so they decided to celebrate with the most boring show in the history of the universe, hosted by the shanty town of tool sheds pictured above.  Okay, so Heidi Klum isn’t a complete tool shed, at least comparatively.  She is, however, dressed like a lunatic.  There’s some sort of inexplicable grandma shawl, and her earrings look like they’re attacking her face.  I guess it’s fine though, since she only wore this getup for about fifteen minutes.  I stopped keeping track of her wardrobe changes after the third or fourth time I fell asleep.  I’ve seen class plays at elementary schools that were more entertaining than the Emmys.

Because I am a giver and I suffer for you, I watched the entire sideshow of somnolence and I can tell you that there were exactly three funny moments.  Jesus, the show was boring.  Josh Groban did this… I don’t even know, it was some kind of singing thing that felt like what would happen during a telethon in hell, and it lasted for about eleven and a half hours.  I don’t really want to talk about it anymore.  Oh look, Christina Hendricks is here to help!

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It’s hard to know what to hate more about Heroes actress Hayden Panettiere here — the “Shabooya! hat,” the “rockstar” necklace, or the chain mail bikini. The only way that outfit would ever work is if she were a rapping stripper who journeyed back in time to the Middle Ages, and even that doesn’t excuse the hat. Maybe if you were a rapping stripper who suffered extensive brain damage at the hands of an out-of-control oxcart and syphilis. Toss in a midget and Martin Lawrence and you got yourself bonafide Wayans Brothers comedy gold! Rated PG-13 for drug use, sexual references, language, and brief nudity.

Hayden Panettiere performed a striptease earlier this month for boyfriend Milo Ventimiglia’s 31st birthday, ripping off a Velcro-lined version of her cheerleader outfit to prance around in red lingerie. Also on hand to enjoy the show? Everyone who happened to be on the Heroes set that day. Happy birthday, Milo! A source told Digital Spy

“Hayden asked the wardrobe girls to make her a Velcro-lined version of the outfit she wears on the show. As she sang ‘Happy Birthday’ to Milo in front of cast and crew during lunch she ripped off the costume to show off her sexy red lingerie [sic] in a bump-and-grind striptease. Milo’s face went bright red.”

If there’s one thing boys like for their birthdays, it’s their girlfriends showing tits and ass to the people he works with. Believe me, they eat that shit up. Even better if you start grabbing singles with your ass cheeks and smashing the guys from accounting’s faces between your boobies. Now, for a special occasion like an anniversary or Christmas, you should skip the T & A show altogether and get right to blowing his boss. Make sure you’ve wrapped his boss’ balls in tissue paper and tied one of those curly ribbons around it so that when he’s teabagging you in the break room, your boyfriend can see his special gift on full display. Remember, any good gift is one part thought, two parts penetration presentation!

Fully clothed at the Universal 2008 Press Tour All-Star party last week:

It’s hard to remember a time when I felt as much rage as I did after watching the video for Hayden Panettiere’s new music video. That time I broke my pinky toe in the shower? The “Old Gringo incident” at the company picnic? My wedding night? Not even close. “Wake Up Call” is an interminable three and a half minutes of Blue Steel and Le Tigre set to a bastard version of Paris Hilton’s “The Stars Are Blind.” Don’t worry — the eye twitch probably won’t set in until the 1:15 mark. If you can even make it that far, that is. I find that Old Gringo and burning your forearms with cigarettes really helps.