Hayden Pannettiere is mimicking cunnilingus. I could start saying all sorts of witty things, but you wouldn’t even bother to read it, would you? Your eyes would just drift back up to that picture, right? I could say random stuff like hopscotch buttered toast and chopping so much broccoli and you wouldn’t even know it. Blah blah blah, ajd jfd nfweanfdskf sdfj j . You’re welcome.

Hayden Panettiere got a new gay-ass tattoo that reads in Italian, “Vivere senza rimpiant” which translates “To live without regrets”. So the tattoo might not be new, but it still sucks. And I still say she’ll have a lot to regret later when she realizes her boyfriend looks oddly like that basketball player with gigantism who was in that movie with Billy Crystal. She also made a bad choice of placement. I mean, that tattoo would have been most beneficial if it were placed upside down above her hoonany. That’s where I have all my pertinent information tattooed. You don’t know how many times it’s come in handy when I’ve woken up wearing only last night’s dinner and no clue as to where I am. Be prepared–it’s not only the Boy Scouts motto!

Hayden and her giant at the Tribeca Film Festival in NYC:

This would be a lovely frock if Hayden Panettiere happened to be born in 1956. As it is, she’s barely old enough to legally drink, but she looks like she should be rubbing elbows with Katie Holmes at Ann Taylor and discussing grandchildren.

At the Pre-Oscar Hollywood Domino Gala:

There’s no more dangerous a place for someone who’s just turned 21 than Oktoberfest. I know. I’ve been. Granted, I spent most of my time there at das Krankenhaus getting my stomach pumped after puking on die Polizeibeamten, but that just translated to “intimate knowledge of Munich’s municipal infrastructure” on the overseas experience portion of my college transcripts.

Hayden Panettiere and her boyfriend at Oktoberfest:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

When did Hayden Panettiere turn into 6 foot Amazonian? The Hayden Panettiere I know and hate has giant Christmas hams for legs, but the chick in the picture has more gam than Christy fucking Turlington. If they’re gonna feed me lies like these, it really wouldn’t hurt them to try and sugarcoat them first. And by “sugarcoat” I mean “more boobs.” Really, is that really so much to ask?

You would think it would be impossible to make a video of a girl taking a big load of champagne in the face bukkake-style unsexy, but you’d be fucking wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. All you have to do is show the champagne hitting her face in reverse slow motion and star Hayden Panettiere. I’ve seen footage of college girls throwing up after a kegstand that was sexier than this crap.

Other inexplicably unsexy pictures of Hayden:

Hayden Panettiere wants you to know she’s so current and so Now. Nothing says “I’m relevant!” like a little lesbian action.  Snore. From Celebrity Rush:

The 20-year-old actress had no problem locking lips with Madeline Zima, who plays Hayden’s character Claire Bennet’s roommate Gretchen Berg on US TV show
‘Heroes’, as she thinks it’s something lots of girls do.

Hayden said: “It’s very exciting! When you are young, you experiment and you have fun. It truly is a person that she just falls in love
with, because she fulfils her and she is her best friend.”

Hayden has previously spoken about her own lesbian experiences, admitting she “experimented” with her female pals when she was younger.

She said: “It’s great to be single. It’s great to have boyfriends. Or girlfriends. There are occasions when you kiss your best friend growing up, having fun and goofing about. Like perfecting your technique.”

I’ll have you know that I got plenty of practice perfecting my technique, and I didn’t need any girls to help me with it. Well, I couldn’t exactly get any girls to help me with it. Or boys, for that matter. But it was all good, I had my good ol’ trusty pillow to help me with that! Suck on THAT, Hayden Panettiere!

At the 6th Annual Hollywood Style Awards:

The Greeks use the word “philia” to describe the kind of love shared between lifelong friends, but “Greek” is also what prostitutes say when they’re talking about doing anal. I’ll let you decide what kind of Greek action is going on in this picture of Owen Wilson and Woody Harrelson, but unless I’ve been doing it wrong all this time, I’m pretty sure that qualifies as spooning. All the perks of doggy style without any of the impersonality!

Less gay pics of Hayden Panettiere swimming with dolphins in a Whaleman Foundation documentary:

In honor of July 4th, I decided to put up these pictures of Hayden Panettiere in next month’s Seventeen magazine. Because really, what’s more American than looking at pictures of barely legal teenage girls on your computer? It’s what John Adams and Thomas Jefferson would have wanted. U-S-A! U-S-A!

“Heroes” Hayden Panettiere is C-list at best and remarkably uninteresting, which explains her big decision to drop trou on the big screen in her new shitty movie. According to People Magazine

In the movie ["I Love You, Beth Cooper"], Panettiere plays a high school cheerleader and the object of dorky Denis Cooverman’s affection, and in one locker room scene, the actress drops her towel.

“It didn’t bother me much,” Panettiere said of shooting the reveal. “I was fine.”

She added, “I have the body… if I can’t flaunt it at 20, come on! I might as well show it now.”

Look, naked or not, all I know is if you catch her, she has to grant you a wish. Leprechaun code of honor and all.

Flaunting a bikini in Cannes last month:

There’s a new celebrity catfight in town, boys and girls, and it smells like rotten tuna melt and fried circuit boards: Lindsay Lohan is reportedly pissed at Katie Holmes for stealing next month’s Glamour cover away from her. A classic case of man vs. machine! MSNBC says

The leggings entrepreneur/actress was expected to appear on the cover of the April edition of Glamour magazine, but instead the coveted cover went to Holmes.

“(Lohan) did this big Madonna-themed photo shoot and she was totally under the impression it would be the cover,” says the source. “Only she wasn’t on the cover, Katie was, and she’s mad at her now.”

I’d put my money on Lindsay Lohan any day of the week. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from watching “Terminator” and “The Matrix,” it’s never to underestimate the human in a fight against the computers. Especially if that human subsists entirely on Red Bull and cocaine. John Connor’s got nothin’ on that bitch.

The iconic Glamour shoot, with Alexis Bledel as Rosie the Riveter, Chanel Iman as Althea Gibson, Hayden Panettiere as Amelia Earhart, Emma Roberts as Audrey Hepburn, Camilla Belle as Mary Tyler Moore, Emma Stone as Carrie Bradshaw, Elisha Cuthbert as Brandi Chastain, America Ferrera as Dolores Huerta, Alicia Keys as First Lady Michelle Obama, Paula Patton as Billie Holiday, Odette Yustman, Spencer Grammer, Rumer Willis as The Women of Woodstock, and one more of Lindsay as Madonna:

“Heroes” actress Hayden Panettiere arrived at the Madonna concert in Los Angeles on Friday in a cut-to-there top and a necklace that appeared to have been fashioned from solid gold mooring rope. Apparently the S.S. No Tits wanted to drop anchor and rest pierside for a while. Ten bucks says any seaman on board that ship bypassed the “booby hatch” and headed straight for the ol’ “poop deck!” Sailors often refer to that as “caught between the Devil and the deep brown sea.”