Good news for all my Jack Bauer fans out there — Kiefer Sutherland won’t be going to jail for assaulting Proenza Schouler designer Jack McCollough at the Met’s Costume Institute Gala Tuesday night, even though he’s currently on probation stemming from his 2007 DUI arrest. According to the NY Daily News

Sutherland will be charged with third-degree assault for the attack on designer Jack McCollough [and] will be issued a desk appearance ticket for the misdemeanor - meaning he won’t be jailed and will be free to travel before he’s arraigned.

Jail, no jail — whatever. I don’t think any of that really matters. What’s important here is that I would let Jack Bauer pound my ass like a Chinaman laying railroad ties. The end.

More hot Jack Bauer goodness:

You’d think after seven seasons of “24″ everyone would know by now that you just don’t fuck with Jack Bauer. Period. But a prissy little Proenza Schouler designer chose his own fate when he refused to apologize to Brooke Shields after knocking her to the ground in front of JackBauer Kiefer Sutherland Monday night. According to TMZ

It happened at an after-party for the Met costume gala last night. Witnesses say the alleged victim — Proenza Schouler designer Jack McCollough — allegedly knocked Brooke Shields over and Kiefer saw it happen. The witnesses say Kiefer went over to the man and told him to apologize to her. At that point they say McCollough pushed Kiefer and the actor responded with a headbutt.

In a world rife with politically correct metrosexuals, it’s absolutely panty-moistening to see a man’s man step up in defense of a woman’s honor. And they say chivalry is dead! Apparently they’ve never heard of Jack Bauer.

With his girlfriend pre-headbutt at the Costume Gala:

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Amy “Receding Gums” Winehouse is facing up to six months’ jail and a $4,000 fine for allegedly assaulting two men while bar-hopping in Camden. Well, not so much hopping as “staggering” and “stumbling.” London’s The Sun says

The junkie singer, 24… headbutted a Good Samaritan who hailed her a cab outside a bar… [and] punched Moroccan musician Mustapha el Mounmi [in the face] after he refused to give way to her at the pool table. The married singer also [made out with] a mystery fella and [overturned] tables and drinks.

She was later seen smoking drugs in the street and walked into a lamppost.

She’s like some wonderful beehived amalgamation of the Tasmanian devil and Nick Nolte come to life, isn’t she? I sort of imagine her whirling and snarling and flailing everywhere she goes, leaving a trail of broken bottles and overturned tables in her wake. And then a lot of indecipherable blathering that occasionally gives way to a projectile vomit or two, like “Sod off, you bloody bug — BLAAAAARGH!” and then a lot of splattering and bystanders screaming and running for their lives.