Britney Spears requested an emergency hearing yesterday in an attempt to regain some sort of visitation rights, asking that she be allowed to spend time with the children in a medically supervised setting. Repeat: she requested the hearing. Unfortunately, she never actually showed up to the hearing yesterday, which didn’t help her case as much as you would think. According TMZ

Brit arrived at the courthouse and went through the metal detector, but then had a change of heart and didn’t want to go inside the courtroom. Brit wanted visitation restored in a “therapeutic setting” — meaning under the treatment of medical professionals — but that wasn’t gonna happen, especially since she never showed to make a plea. The Court noted Brit’s absence.

K-Fed [retains] sole custody and no visitation for Brit for now.

Before we jump to conclusions, has anyone considered that maybe she suffers from “Legal Batophobia,” or fear of court houses? I distinctly remember her saying “I’m scared, I’m scared” in the parking lot of the last hearing she missed. It makes perfect sense. In fact, a lot of her behavior lately makes sense if you take in her many irrational fears. I can think ten phobias she clearly suffers from right off the top of my head.

10. Trichophobia — fear of human hair. Hence the shitty weaves. That one’s pretty obvious.

9. Vestiphobia — fear of bras and support garments. Nipple much?

8. Dermapharmacophobia — fear of Clearasil and Stridex. Maybe she likes her boils!

7. Anrhypovestiphobia — fear of stain-resistant shirts. Stains add character.

6. Lachanophobia — fear of any foods not battered and deep-fried. Well, they’re not as tasty.

5. Eudacibophobia — fear of any food not sugar-coated. See #6.

4. Eudamelophobia — fear of good music. Anyone who’s purchased any of her albums knows exactly what I’m talking about here.

3. Hypengyophobia — fear of responsibility. Probably the impetus for the new personalities and the chronic lateness.

2. Monophobia — fear of being alone. Explains the paparazzi BFFs and the Sam Lufti entourage.

and the number one phobia plaguing Britney Jean Spears:

1. Pedophobia — fear of children. They always want you to do lame stuff like change their diapers and read books. So boring, it’s scary!

Britney doing what she does best — leaving court — yesterday morning: