Forget the blasphemy, fornication, false testimony and stealing — Lindsay Lohan is now part of Team Jesus. The fact that the day of his crucifixion happens to fall on the same day of her hearing and could theoretically buy her an extra week of freedom is just a happy coincidence. Radar Online says:

She’s set to ask the judge to cancel this Friday’s hearing because it’s Good Friday, a Christian holiday that marks the crucifixion of Jesus Christ.

The postponement request was discussed last week during the meeting between Lindsay’s high powered attorney Shawn Holley, Judge Stephanie Sautner and Deputy District Attorney Danette Meyers.

While all involved agreed in principle, it’s not a done deal.

Lohan would still appear in court on Friday but just to hear Sautner formally rule on the motion. If a new date is set, it’s likely to be sometime next month.

It’s times like this that I miss Old Testament God, the one would who would hit you with a bolt of lightning or turn you into a pillar of salt or send bears out of the woods to maul you for such blatant misuse of that which is sacred for your own personal gain. I guess those genital boils he’s already smote her with will have to do until The Day of Reckoning.

Lindsay Lohan dicked over the American justice system yet again this morning when Judge Elden Fox sentenced her to more rehab rather than send her to jail. Because rehab certainly worked the other five times she was there. Radar Online says:

Lindsay was ordered to stay at Betty Ford until Jan. 3, 2011.

The district attorney wanted Lindsay to do 180 days of hard time behind bars and said, “we have not gotten her attention yet.”

Lindsay’s SCRAM bracelet will be removed, per the judge’s orders. He said: “If you can make it until Feb. 25, I will make it unsupervised probation. You can put this long episode behind you if you are serious about this.”

Of course she’s serious about this. She’s made it painfully obvious over and over again. How many fingernails does a girl have to write “fuck you” on before the court finally gets just how serious she is? She doesn’t want to have to defecate in the judges chambers, but she will if she has to. That’s just how serious she is!

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

The judge in Lindsay Lohan’s probation violation case just sentenced her to 90 days in jail, followed by 90 days in rehab. Who needs motherfucking Christmas in July now, bitches? Lindsay Lohan is actually going to jail! More details forthcoming. Stay tuned…

UPDATE: Here’s how it all went down: Initially, it looked like Lindsay was gonna walk again. The judge decided not to admit evidence that Lohan was boozing when her SCRAM bracelet went off last month at the MTV Movie Awards after party. But by late afternoon, the endless testimony about her blatant disregard for the court’s mandates and the judge’s recounting her history of lame excuses and outright lies, it was pretty obvious that Lindsay wasn’t going to come out of all this smelling like roses. Us Magazine says:

Before the judge read the sentence, a teary Lindsay gave a statement to the court and claimed she “did the best I could. It has been a long haul, and I don’t want you to think I don’t respect you. I was doing everything I was supposed to do with all my heart… I am not taking this as a joke — it is my life.”

However, the co-owner of the DUI school in which Lohan attended testified that the actress blew off seven alcohol education classes… [and] called the actress’ excuses “endless and disrespectful.” The reasons Lohan gave for being absent: she was making a movie or promoting a clothing line, she was traveling and couldn’t get on another flight, she was in court (she was actually in Cannes), her uncle had died (it was determined she did not attend his funeral).

But the judge wasn’t biting:

[Judge Marsha Revel sentenced] Lindsay Lohan to 90 days in jail: 30 days in jail for her first DUI arrest, 30 days for her second arrest and 30 days for reckless driving. After she is released, she will enter a 90-day inpatient rehab program.

As for when she will turn herself in and how long she will actually serve:

Lohan will surrender to authorities on July 20 and report to the Century Regional Detention Facility in Lynnwood, Calif. (where she spent 84 minutes in 2007).

A Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department spokesman says Lohan will be “kept away from the general jail population for the safety of everyone involved” [and] admitted it may be as little as 25 percent, or about 22 days (or even less), because of overcrowding and the fact that she did not commit a violent crime.

And there you have it. If you’ll excuse me now, I’m going to go eat my fucking hat.

Video of her being sentenced:

Enjoying freedom yesterday in L.A.:

During her first deposition in the civil suit brought by the girl she chased down Pacific Coast Highway drunk and high on cocaine in 2007, Lindsay Lohan plead the Fifth and refused to answer questions “regarding her drug use and/or possession.” Except the right against self-incrimination isn’t gonna fly anymore, because the judge is now ordering her to own up to her fuckery and admit she was high as a damn kite when she got that second DUI. Star Magazine says:

A California judge has ruled that Lindsay Lohan must answer questions about her alleged drug use in the civil lawsuit against her stemming from the actress’ 2007 car chase.

She’ll be asked if she was using cocaine the night that plaintiff Tracie Rice claims LiLo car-chased her on Pacific Coast Highway three years ago.

Lindsay was arrested for DUI and cocaine possession that night when police found two types of cocaine in her urine, and drugs in her pants pocket.

Lindsay is expected to give a deposition after her probation violation hearing on July 6.

Hang on — two types of cocaine? There are two? Why am I just now learning this? I thought cocaine was cocaine was cocaine, whether you snort it, inject it, or freebase it. It’s like finding out there’s an extra Christmas in the calendar year that nobody ever told me about.

Beauty, they name is Marlboro:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame

At yesterday’s hearing, Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer petitioned Judge Marsha Revel to allow Lindsay to undergo random alcohol testing rather than fit her with the SCRAM bracelet because Lindsay would be filming a movie in Texas and it would “interfere” with her work. Reasonable argument, except the Texas Film Commission has no permits connecting Lindsay to any film whatsoever and her IMDb profile currently shows no projects in development. Good thing the judge said no, then. According to TMZ:

Lindsay Lohan made it clear to the court that she didn’t wanna wear a SCRAM bracelet because she thought it would get in the way of an upcoming movie shoot in Texas — problem is, no such shoot exists.

The producers of the only two motion picture projects Lindsay is currently attached to — “Machete” and “Inferno” — tell us there ARE additional ["Machete"] scenes being shot in Texas, “but they don’t include [Lindsay].”

As for “Inferno,” a rep tells us it’s not being shot in Texas — so the SCRAM bracelet would have no affect on that film either.

I thought lying in court was called “perjury” and against the law, even if you had your attorney do it for you. But then again, what do I know? I thought possessing a controlled substance and operating a motor vehicle under the influence of alcohol and not showing up to court was against the law, too. Apparently the laws in Los Angeles aren’t so much “laws” as they are “general guidelines.” Sorta like the Code of the Brethren set down by the pirates Morgan and Bartholomew, except for celebrities instead of multiple amputees with scurvy.

Video from her hearing after the jump:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

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After her court hearing this morning, Lindsay Lohan was fitted with the degenerate must-have accessory for summer 2010 — an alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet officially known as a SCRAM device. You might remember that Lindsay wore one voluntarily after her first DUI arrest in 2007. Like kidskin gloves and fedoras, some accessories never go out of style. According to People Magazine

[In addition to wearing the SCRAM bracelet], Lohan will also be subject to weekly random drug testing and is forbidden from drinking any alcohol as conditions for the actress to remain free on bail.

After Judge Revel set the conditions, Lohan’s attorney said that Lohan has “a number of photo shoots” and asked that in lieu of the ankle bracelet, Lohan be subject to random alcohol testing since the device would interfere with filming.

The judge flatly denied the request.

The judge also warned Lohan that a missed drug test “is the same as a dirty test” and ordered her to continue attending alcohol education courses once a week. The actress [was then] fitted with the bracelet.

A new hearing date, to determine if she violated the terms of her probation, was set for July 6. If found in violation, the DA is seeking up to six months in jail for the actress.

The great thing about cocaine is that it’s out of your system in 24 hours, so Lindsay can toot it up all she wants at the beginning of the week and still pass a drug test at the end of the week. That is, unless they’re testing for the metabolite benzoylecgonine, a substance that can linger in the body for up to thirty days after the ingestion of cocaine, in which case she’d be totally fucked. *cough* HINT, HINT *cough*.

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

Lindsay Lohan will be back in front of a judge this morning to determine the conditions of remaining free on bail after she violated the terms of her probation by failing to complete the mandatory alcohol education classes that were court-ordered after her second DUI arrest in 2007. To date, she’s only done ten of the thirteen required classes (and she didn’t show up to her own status hearing last week because she was so busy doing coke in France), but she still doesn’t understand why she would be facing jail time, because she was set up and none of this was her fault and ten is pretty close to thirteen in counting anyway. Us Magazine says

“I don’t see what reason I would go to prison for,” the actress, 23, tells Hollywood TV. “I’ve been more than compliant with everything having to do with the court system. I had no option but to stay [in Cannes because my passport was stolen]. I immediately was trying to find ways out.”

Of the photo of her apparently posing next to several lines of cocaine, Lohan explains fans pulled her into the room for a photo and she was unaware of the surroundings. “I wouldn’t know what was in the room,” she says. On Friday, she called the pics a “set up.”

Lohan also says she she should not go to rehab.

“I don’t see why I would even have to do that, considering I’ve been in compliance with everything that occurs when you’re in the court system for two DUIs,” she says.

Compliance is an awfully big word. Maybe no one explained to Lindsay it means “actually fulfilling the terms of your probation.” Not “intending to fulfill the terms of your probation,” and not “almost fulfilling the terms of your probation,” and certainly not “I would have fulfilled the terms of my probation if it weren’t for the countless sinister plots against me/death in the family/volcanic ash cloud/leprechauns/imaginary promotion of a movie that hasn’t even been filmed yet.” You can’t mow down a kid on a bike and then tell the judge, “Well, I intended to stop my car, and I almost stopped my car, and I totally would have stopped my car if I hadn’t needed to update my Twitter from my phone while I was driving, so this is really kinda the kid’s fault when you stop and think about it.” Not Guilty by Reason of Mental Defect defense is really the only chance this stupid cooze’s got left.

Back in L.A. this weekend:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

Lindsay Lohan will not be arrested upon her return to the U.S. (boo!) because she has already made bail and the arrest warrant has subsequently been recalled. TMZ says

Earlier today the judge set the bail at $100,000. We’re told Lindsay’s people promptly plunked down $10,000 (the standard 10%) to secure the bond and the judge then recalled the warrant — meaning Lindsay will not be arrested.

Lindsay and her lawyer will be in court on Monday at 8:30 AM. The judge will then set a date for a probation violation hearing.

The probation hearing ought to be pretty interesting, given that French police revealed that Lindsay never reported any “stolen passport” to them — despite her lawyer’s claims to the contrary at yesterday’s hearing. TMZ says

According to French cops, they have no record of any police report filed by Lindsay as far back as Tuesday, when the passport mysteriously and allegedly went missing.

During the court hearing this morning, LiLo’s lawyer Shawn Chapman Holley said LiLo reported the missing passport to authorities.

In the illustrious words of Homer Simpson — “D’OH!” I don’t think Sir Walter Scott could have said it any better himself.

Lindsay Lohan is probably going to miss her court hearing tomorrow, but of course, it’s not her fault. Nothing ever is. It’s the divergent tectonic plates of the mid-oceanic ridges. According to TMZ

Lindsay is in Cannes to promote her upcoming Linda Lovelace biopic. She must appear in court Thursday for her probation progress report hearing — she’s required to show because she has only completed 10 of the 13 required alcohol ed classes.

But sources say she can’t get a flight back to the States because of the volcanic ash from Iceland. Airports all over Europe are jam-packed and it’s impossible to get a seat.

If Lindsay doesn’t show, the judge will issue a bench warrant for her arrest.

I know that news of the aftermath of the volcano has been circulating for two months now, but how the hell would you expect her to know anything about it? It’s not like it’s erupting Stolichnaya and Astroglide or anything remotely pertinent to a Lohan. And besides, nobody wrote about it in Us Weekly or on the back of a pack of Parliament Lights, so you can’t expect her to have read about it, either. Call her when Nevado Del Ruiz in Colombia starts blowing cocaine and semen and credit cards that aren’t already over their limit. She’ll find a way to get across the Atlantic, I guaran-damn-tee it.

Piss-drunk Professional and whoring working in Cannes last night:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online

Randy Quaid and wife Evi showed up at criminal court in Santa Barbara about two weeks too late yesterday for a hearing regarding charges they defrauded San Ysidro Ranch out of $10,000. According to People Magazine

“The judge said they showed disrespect by prior failures to appear and by flashing Randy’s Golden Globe award in court the last time around,” [the] Santa Barbara District Attorney said, referring to the couple bringing Randy’s best-actor trophy for the 1988 miniseries LBJ: The Early Years to a hearing.

The Quaids posted bail of $100,000 each and left the jail facility in the afternoon after three hours in custody.

Only a fucking actor would bring in a goddamn trophy he got from work and think it’d get him out of felony fraud charges. Hey, I got a blue ribbon in the sack race on Field Day in third grade once, does that mean I don’t have to submit to a sobriety test? Here’s my “Most Valuable Player” certificate from Wal-Mart that entitles me to a free kid’s meal at Luby’s, so my arrest is null and void, right? Plus this coffee mug and matching mousepad say “World’s Foxiest Grandpa,” right there in black and white! You can’t argue with personalized ceramics and low-density rubber composites. The defense rests, your honor!

Jon Gosselin filed a petition in court on Friday asking for full custody of the eight children he shares with ex-wife Kate Gosselin. A little extra child support goes a long way with Ed Hardy t-shirts, you know. According to MSNBC

According [the petition], Kate is an absentee mom, and [Jon] is expected to use “DWTS” as evidence that she does not spend quality time with her kids.

Kate [said via her publicist]: “I am not willing to comment in public on the custody discussions regarding my children. What I will say is this: I am and always will be a mother first, but as a single working mom I will do everything necessary to provide for my kids despite the opinions of others.”

A source close to Kate points out that Jon’s timing seems suspect. “His girlfriend, who he was living with across the country — just kicked him out.”

He might be woman-less, homeless and spineless, but that doesn’t mean he’s through whoring out his children for money just yet:

Jon Gosselin is “definitely open” to co-starring with ex-wife Kate Gosselin on a new TV project “under the right circumstances.” Jon would do a show with Kate, but “the contract would have to be tighter.” [No further elaboration was given], but we’re guessing it has something to do with the way TLC cleaned Jon’s clock in court.

Boy, he’s really had a change of heart, hasn’t he? Six months ago, he fired off a cease and desist letter to TLC on grounds that filming the children was “detrimental to their emotional well-being.” Fast forward to April, and he’s ready and willing to lay his kiddies on the altar of the New Babylon, just so long as he doesn’t get financially shafted by the contract. This tubby piece of shit makes King Herod look like Father of the Year. And King Herod killed three of his own sons. At least he had the decency not to film it for TLC.

Kate redefining “haggard” last week:

PHOTO SOURCE: Pacific Coast News

There was yet another hearing in the Britney Spears restraining order case against Sam Lutfi and Adnan Ghalib yesterday, during which Britney’s father Jamie testified that she had somehow obtained a pre-paid cell phone without his knowledge to contact the two men in secret. You might remember Sam and Adnan from such hits as “I’m poisoning your food with psychotropic drugs” and “Let’s make a sex tape.” Really, why wouldn’t she be calling them? According to TMZ

The nanny heard Britney talking to Sam and Adnan on the pre-paid phone in the wee hours of the morning one day. It appears Jamie believes Sam and Adnan got her the phone in an attempt to poison her against Jamie and to torpedo the conservatorship.

If Sam did have any contact with Britney, he would have violated a court order to stay the hell away from her. Jamie is trying to make the temporary restraining order against the dynamic duo permanent.

Oooh, somebody’s in trouuuble! Britney’s totally gonna be on phone restriction now. Toss in a chin full of cystic acne and some day-glo sportswear and it’s practically my sixth grade summer all over again. Except, you know, she’s pushing 30, and I was just learning about that special change that was going to make my body a woman. Good times.

Her new “comeback” wax figure at Madame Tussad’s: