New Year’s Eve has officially been canceled forever — legendary television personality Dick Clark has died. And not just on the inside because he was forced to co-host with Ryan Seacrest. People Magazine says:

Dick Clark, the producer known as “America’s Oldest Teenager” for his perennially youthful looks and enthusiasm, has died at age 82.

Clark suffered a “massive heart attack” on Wednesday morning after he entered St. John’s Health Center in Santa Monica for an outpatient procedure on Tuesday night.

“Attempts to resuscitate were unsuccessful. He is survived by his wife Kari and his three children, RAC, Duane and Cindy,” the statement continues.

Yeeeah! Fun Fact: now that Dick has passed, the title of “America’s Oldest Teenager” will be officially be held by Courtney Stodden. But for entirely different reasons.

See Exhibits A-E for details:

Hi everyone, it’s Sonya today! I hope you had a great weekend. Besides glue and putty and gardening tools, do you know what else bearded pitchman Billy Mays loved? I mean, REALLY REALLY LOVED? Drugs! TMZ reports,

A mighty shocking autopsy report concludes cocaine contributed to the sudden death of pitchman Billy Mays back in June.

The report, which was released today, lists “cocaine use” as a contributing cause of death — along with hypertensive and arteriosclerotic heart disease.

A Hillsborough County press release says “from the presence of metabolites of cocaine and the absence of cocaine itself, it was concluded that Mr. Mays used cocaine in the few days prior to his death but not immediately prior to death.”

Mays died in his sleep on June 28 at his home in Florida.

UPDATE: Official documents show the following drugs were in Mays’ system — hydrocodone (Vicodin), oxycodone (painkiller), alprazolam (Xanax), nordiazepam (Valium), benzoylecgonine (byproduct of cocaine) and temazepam (anti-anxiety). Ethanol — alcohol — was also in Mays’ system.

HO-LY COW. That’s quite the cocktail. Any other person, and that would’ve knocked you on your ass the first time. But not Billy Mays! It just gave him the drive to POWER THROUGH, TO DIG DOWN REALLY DEEP, to GET THOSE RESULTS, all while cultivating a beard that would have made Paul Bunyan weep with envy.

In Memoriam: Billy Mays Gangsta Remix:

Holy shit. You pass out at the neighborhood pool for a few hours, come back and Michael Jackson is dead. That’s two celebrities in one day, for those of you keeping a death toll. TMZ says

Michael Jackson has died. He was 50.

Michael suffered a cardiac arrest earlier this afternoon at his home and paramedics were unable to revive him. We’re told when paramedics arrived Jackson had no pulse and they never got a pulse back.

A source tells us Jackson was dead when paramedics arrived.

Once at the hospital, the staff tried to resuscitate him but he was completely unresponsive.

Wow. I always figured he’d die on the operating table or erotically asphyxiating himself in a burqa some little kid’s closet. I have to say, this was much more dignified way to go.

In his honor, more naked pictures of Bo Derek (first printed in Lui Magazine in May 1980 before appearing in Playboy), since everyone seemed to enjoy them so much today: