It looks like Heather Locklear was set up the day of her DWI arrest — the woman who called 911 is a former Us Weekly staffer who was stalking the actress. According to TMZ

Jill Ishkanian, who allegedly hacked into Us Weekly’s computer system to locate celebs after she left the mag, was following Locklear. Ishkanian watched the actress go to a market. When Heather got in her car, Ishkanian called 911, even though the car wasn’t even moving at the time.

Now get this — sources say immediately after Ishkanian called 911, she called a paparazzi agency to give them the heads up Heather was about to be popped. TMZ obtained those photos, not knowing it was Ishkanian who set the ball in motion.

And it gets worse. Ishkanian apparently is the only witness who says Lockelear was driving erratically and that she was drunk, even though it’s already established she was not under the influence of alcohol.

Jesus Christ. The only way this story could get more ridiculous is if it involved a one-armed man and a former Toon hellbent on revenge.

More details have been released on Heather Locklear’s DWI arrest over the weekend, along with several shitty low-grade pics (like the one above, which shows Heather literally falling out of her a cop car) of the arrest as it occurred. The The Daily Mail says

Locklear was seen revving her engine loudly and repeatedly reversing over a pair of sunglasses in a car park in Santa Barbara. Police made the 47-year-old balance on one foot to see if she was sober - but she had to steady herself on a road sign.

A witness reported that [Heather] had stopped on a nearby highway and left her car, apparently stumbling into traffic.

To complicate matters and ensure she definitely gets off scott-free, a California Highway Patrolman was snapped taking pictures of Heather with his personal cell phone. TMZ says

Officials say the video and photos are being turned over to the D.A.’s office as evidence and nothing was improper about the officer using his cell phone to document the arrest. But we spoke with several others at CHP who say officers shouldn’t be using their personal cellphones, especially when a celeb is the suspect.

That’s right, ladies. Famous or not, never let a cop take a candid picture of you with his personal cell phone. Unless he’s willing to forget about the half-smoked joint in the ashtray and the .10 you just blew so long as you pull down your top and show him your tits. That’s what we in the business like to refer to as “discretion.”

Now that the sad stuff’s out of the way, on to the other big news of the weekend — actress Heather Locklear was busted for driving while impaired in Santa Barbara on Saturday. You might remember that Heather checked herself into rehab for “anxiety and depression” (re: pill-popping) back in June. TMZ says

A resident reported Heather “driving erratically” as she was pulling out of a parking lot in Santa Barbara. An officer then noticed her car parked on a state highway and blocking a lane. After speaking with Locklear, the officer determined she was under the influence of something and arrested her.

Law enforcement officers tell us alcohol was not involved, however, they are conducting tests to determine if Locklear was under the influence of drugs.

Maybe she was just confused by the misnomer “parkway.” I could see how one, in theory, might think you should park on a parkway. Provided you were the kind of person who also wonders how they get deer to cross at those little yellow signs on the side of the road and why they would make an oil out of babies. I believe the technical term is actually “dumbass.”

Vintage pokies at Loreal Presents 2006:

Heather Locklear announced yesterday that she was “seeking treatment for psychological issues,” which is of course just celebrity speak for “I can’t function without my happy pills.” Her PR glossed over her addicition issues, saying

“Heather has been dealing with anxiety and depression. She requested an in-depth evaluation of her medication and entered into a medical facility for proper diagnosis and treatment.”

From the looks of these pictures, she let her boozing and doping get out of control trying to establish street cred with the Crips. West Side ’till she dies, mothafuckas!

Famed southern writer Eudora Welty once wrote, “A good snapshot stops a moment from running away.” Except for in the case of Heather Locklear, where all it stops is your right hand from going anywhere near your penis.

Heather from a more flattering angle on the set of “Flirting With Forty:”

Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora was arrested late Tuesday night for driving under the influence. But wait — it gets better! His fifth grade daughter was in the car at the time of the arrest. TMZ says

Cops say they observed him driving erratically in a black Hummer and pulled him over. He failed numerous field sobriety tests and was detained for DUI. Richie Sambora’s 10-year-old daughter, Ava, was in the car with him when he was busted for DUI Tuesday night. [Another unnamed juvenile and adult were also in the car at the time of the arrest.]

This guy’s really been on the fast track to success since his split from Heather Locklear! Two trips to rehab, forty or so pounds, and now child endangerment charges. He’s like Britney Spears, only with less visible scalp and British personalities.

Here’s Heather Locklear out and about in Hollywood in a see thru-skirt and no panties. I used to fantasize about her when she played officer Stacy Sheridan in “T.J. Hooker.” That was 20 years ago and she hasn’t changed much since then. I’d like to say that her beauty is timeless but Time is a relentless bitch. The truth is that her plastic surgeon is very talented.

More pics after the jump.

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