Karolina Kurkova has been voted World’s Sexiest Woman , but all I can see when I look at her is her missing bellybutton. Just like Megan Fox’sfreaky thumbs, it’s a deal breaker for me. I just don’t trust people who don’t have bellybuttons, because that means you’re probably an alien and are salivating over my brains. I’m okay for now, because I made an aluminum foil hat to block her alien search rays and I’m typing in an underground bunker in an undisclosed location. Sorry Karolina, looks like dinner’s canceled!
Heidi Klum filming a commercial in LA, because she’s sexier:
Here’s a little news that ought to make you smile: attention whoreKim Kardashian found herself kicked off Miami Beach on Saturday to make way for a Victoria’s Secret photoshoot, presumably because they didn’t want her giant ass blocking the sunlight. The Daily Mail reveals
The reality television star was lapping up the paparazzi attention as she hit the beach in a black bikini, only to be told to move aside to make way for a Victoria’s Secret photo shoot. Photographers were assembled on the sand to snap the lingerie models for the grand reopening of the Fontainebleau Resort.
Never one to shy away from a photo opportunity, Kim, her younger sister and Kristin Cavallari conveniently appeared on the foreshore and proceeded to pose up for the cameras. However the black-clad trio were soon asked to leave by security guards.
There’s a much easier way to round up Kim Kardashian. Firing a pistol in the air and sending in a herding dog usually does the trick if you don’t have a cattle prod handy. So does waving a black man’s penis around or danglng in front of her face, just out of reach. Those dumb security guards were going about it all wrong.
The Victoria’s Secret Angels strutted their stuff down the catwalk at a lavish show the newly-renovated Fontainebleau hotel in Miami this past weekend. There were the requisite feathers, the elaborate costuming, the diamond brassieres, and oh, yes — the boobies. Boobies, boobies, boobies. I sure hope none of you girls out there woke up feeling good about yourselves today! Nothing’s a better antidote for self-affirmation and esteem like 800 pictures of the world’s most perfect bodies. If it makes you feel any better, angel Karolina Kurkovadoesn’t have a belly button (close up here). They have to photoshop one on her in shoots. Disgusting freak. Anyway, if you’ll excuse me now, I have some cutting and purging to do. Laxatives don’t just ingest themselves, you know!
Victoria’s Secret supermodel Heidi Klum spoofs Tom Cruise’s infamous Risky Business underwear scene in a new Guitar Hero 4 commercial directed by Brett Ratner, proving that not everything Ratner touches necessarily turns to shit. Just about 98% of it. Not that Ratner deserves any of the credit for the success of the commercial — you could give a mongoloid monkey a camera and a director’s chair and it’d be just as good. It’s scientifically impossible to fuck up “Heidi Klum in her underpants.” It’s like trying to fuck up the Sistine Chapel with more Michelangelo or Spring Break with more beer. In science terms, it just ain’t happening.
Victoria’s Secret supermodel Heidi Klum threw her 9th Annual Halloween Party in New York on Friday dressed as the multi-armed Indian god Shiva. As always, she had the best costume there. The only way that costume could kick any more ass is if it also included eight boobs and maybe a functional jet pack.
The Emmy Awards happened last night. It was their 60th anniversary, so they decided to celebrate with the most boring show in the history of the universe, hosted by the shanty town of tool sheds pictured above. Okay, so Heidi Klum isn’t a complete tool shed, at least comparatively. She is, however, dressed like a lunatic. There’s some sort of inexplicable grandma shawl, and her earrings look like they’re attacking her face. I guess it’s fine though, since she only wore this getup for about fifteen minutes. I stopped keeping track of her wardrobe changes after the third or fourth time I fell asleep. I’ve seen class plays at elementary schools that were more entertaining than the Emmys.
Because I am a giver and I suffer for you, I watched the entire sideshow of somnolence and I can tell you that there were exactly three funny moments. Jesus, the show was boring. Josh Groban did this… I don’t even know, it was some kind of singing thing that felt like what would happen during a telethon in hell, and it lasted for about eleven and a half hours. I don’t really want to talk about it anymore. Oh look, Christina Hendricks is here to help!
Dog the Bounty Hunter, who up until this point I assumed was some kind of professional wrestler, had production on his A&E reality show halted because of a leaked audio recording of him gratuitously using the word “nigger.” TMZ reports
The Enquirer says they have two tapes of the Dog hurling insults at his son, Tucker, during an undated telephone conversation. It appears as if the Dog is concerned that Tucker’s girlfriend, Monique Shinnery, who is black, will set him up because of the language the Dog uses. In the nearly eight minute long tape posted on the Enquirer’s website, Dog says the N word numerous times and demands that Tucker break up with Monique or he’ll be fired from the family bail bond business.
Dog publicly apologized and subsequently appealed to some “priest to the stars” and Al Sharpton for forgiveness. Yeeeah… I don’t think the Reverend’s blessing is gonna fix this. Dog says the word like four hundred times in the space of eight minutes. You can listen for yourself here, but I wouldn’t recommend doing this at work unless you’re the receptionist for the Ku Klux Klan or a early 1800’s plantation owner. It’s bad enough to say the word once, but repeating it over and over again like that? Yikes. It’s kind of like if you pulled out your wiener in public (bad), only then you slapped like six old ladies with it and stuck it in some kid’s ear (much, much worse). Maybe you could convince the public that the first part was an “accident,” but definitely not the wielding and bandying it about part.* I’d say your best bet is moving to northern Canada and keeping your business in your pants.
*This applies to both the n-word and the wiener. Use standard APA formatting when annotating with footnotes.
Heidi Klum being a cat for Halloween, because Dog the Bounty Hunter looks like this:
Heidi Klum posed almost naked for the September 2006 issue of Esquire. If your name is not Seal and you still want to see her completely naked, you’ll have to wait for a Playboy photoshoot, something that is unlikely to happen. So enjoy the pics, you gossip whores!
