I’m going to do things a little backwards today and start with the S.S. because the Victoria’s Secret fashion show was last night, and it’s the best thing you’re gonna see all day. Trust me, it’s all downhill from here. Kinda like my life for the last fifteen years.

UPDATE: Moving this to the top of the page so you can abuse it all weekend. You’re welcome!

Ana Beatriz Barros, Selita Ebanks, Erin Heatherton and Isabel Goulart after the jump.

Heidi Klum:

Alessandra Ambrosio:

Miranda Kerr:

Marisa Miller and Doutzen Kroes:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin

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Heidi Klum’s new coffee table book “Heidilicious” shows the supermodel in a variety of interesting poses, including several of her naked and covered in chocolate. A perfect gift for the diabetic in your life! Amazon.com says

Whether as a sultry sex kitten or sophisticated femme fatale, this tribute by one of Ms. Klum’s favorite photographers, Rankin, captures her many moods and personas. This photographic master has a unique insight to this unparalleled fashion icon, gaining a variety of fascinating answers to the question, “What is Heidi really like?”

I don’t know about you, but after looking at this, that 3 Musketeers bar in my purse just isn’t going to cut it. “Get carried away!” my ass.

One girl, no cup:

What the hell?  Listen up, Heidi.  I know you’re knocked up again and so you probably had to pull over on your way to this pediatric AIDS benefit event so you could puke up your breakfast on the side of the road and you’re exhausted and your back hurts and all you really want out of life right now is to lie in bed eating popsicles and watching stupid shit like She’s the Man, but you are a SUPERMODEL.  And not just any run-of-the-mill supermodel, either.  You’re goddamn HEIDI KLUM.  These saggy baggy jumpsuit shenanigans are just unacceptable.

At the “A Time For Heroes” carnival to benefit the Pediatric AIDS Foundation:

Heidi Klum and Seal renewed their wedding vows in Malibu yesterday with a white-trash themed hoe-down for a bunch of friends and family. I’d swear these pictures were from my third wedding, except there aren’t any F-150s plastered with Confederate flags in the background and none of the bridesmaids are doing kegstands.

Victoria’s Secret supermodel Heidi Klum is pregnant with child number four. The Daily Mail says

[Klum's husband Seal] confirmed on stage in New York last night that another child was on the way. The proud father said: ‘Heidi and I are having another baby. I mean, Heidi is doing all the work.’

He might look like some kind of giant mole-man who used a pick-ax to put out a fire on his face, but he still gets to get inside Heidi Klum, and you don’t. Saying he’s better than you is like saying a Lamborghini Murcielagoi is better than the unicycle with a bent rim you found stuffed in the dumpster after the carnies left town.

Obligatory family photos:

Oldie but goodie Arena Magazine outtakes:

NSFW artsy nudes:

These Heidi Klum pictures aren’t new, but unless you’d rather look at Bai Ling or some WWE “ladies”, you’ll take these and you’ll like ‘em because they are by far the sexiest things I can find today.  They’re from a Russell James photoshoot for some book or other, I think.  I don’t really remember, because I wasn’t paying much attention when I read the tags.  I assumed you wouldn’t care.  Because it’s Heidi Klum.  And she’s naked.  What else do you need to know?

Now that we’ve got the best-dressed out of the way, let’s go in for the kill: The 81st Annual Academy Awards Worst-Dressed List. Starting with Beyonce, above. I’ve heard the expression “walking like you’ve got a corn cob up your ass,” but this is ridiculous. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn there was a damn Volkswagen wedged into her pooper.

The rest of the list after the jump!

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Heidi Klum gets naked for the March ‘09 issue of GQ Germany.  My German is abysmal so 97% of that article made no sense to me, but I did manage to gather that this was a promo for Germany’s Next Top Model.  If America weren’t full of such prudes, she could have been doing promos like this for Project Runway for years now.

Karolina Kurkova has been voted World’s Sexiest Woman , but all I can see when I look at her is her missing bellybutton. Just like Megan Fox’s freaky thumbs, it’s a deal breaker for me. I just don’t trust people who don’t have bellybuttons, because that means you’re probably an alien and are salivating over my brains. I’m okay for now, because I made an aluminum foil hat to block her alien search rays and I’m typing in an underground bunker in an undisclosed location. Sorry Karolina, looks like dinner’s canceled!

Heidi Klum filming a commercial in LA, because she’s sexier:

Here’s a little news that ought to make you smile: attention whore Kim Kardashian found herself kicked off Miami Beach on Saturday to make way for a Victoria’s Secret photoshoot, presumably because they didn’t want her giant ass blocking the sunlight. The Daily Mail reveals

The reality television star was lapping up the paparazzi attention as she hit the beach in a black bikini, only to be told to move aside to make way for a Victoria’s Secret photo shoot. Photographers were assembled on the sand to snap the lingerie models for the grand reopening of the Fontainebleau Resort.

Never one to shy away from a photo opportunity, Kim, her younger sister and Kristin Cavallari conveniently appeared on the foreshore and proceeded to pose up for the cameras. However the black-clad trio were soon asked to leave by security guards.

There’s a much easier way to round up Kim Kardashian. Firing a pistol in the air and sending in a herding dog usually does the trick if you don’t have a cattle prod handy. So does waving a black man’s penis around or danglng in front of her face, just out of reach. Those dumb security guards were going about it all wrong.

Make way for genetic superiority:

The Victoria’s Secret Angels strutted their stuff down the catwalk at a lavish show the newly-renovated Fontainebleau hotel in Miami this past weekend. There were the requisite feathers, the elaborate costuming, the diamond brassieres, and oh, yes — the boobies. Boobies, boobies, boobies. I sure hope none of you girls out there woke up feeling good about yourselves today! Nothing’s a better antidote for self-affirmation and esteem like 800 pictures of the world’s most perfect bodies. If it makes you feel any better, angel Karolina Kurkova doesn’t have a belly button (close up here). They have to photoshop one on her in shoots. Disgusting freak. Anyway, if you’ll excuse me now, I have some cutting and purging to do. Laxatives don’t just ingest themselves, you know!

Victoria’s Secret supermodel Heidi Klum spoofs Tom Cruise’s infamous Risky Business underwear scene in a new Guitar Hero 4 commercial directed by Brett Ratner, proving that not everything Ratner touches necessarily turns to shit. Just about 98% of it. Not that Ratner deserves any of the credit for the success of the commercial — you could give a mongoloid monkey a camera and a director’s chair and it’d be just as good. It’s scientifically impossible to fuck up “Heidi Klum in her underpants.” It’s like trying to fuck up the Sistine Chapel with more Michelangelo or Spring Break with more beer. In science terms, it just ain’t happening.