38-year-old mother-of-four Heidi Klum gets naked for next month’s Allure, claiming never have succumbed to the lure of a surgeon’s knife. She tells the magazine:

“I’m proud to be able to say, in this day and age, I haven’t done anything. Everyone has a view of what’s not pretty and [plastic surgery] just doesn’t look pretty to me. Especially when I see it on really young girls.

I don’t want to name names, but it’s like, wow, I remember you five years ago, looking to me so beautiful, and now it’s like … who is this person? And I know girls half my age who do it. What are they gonna do at 40 or 50, when the shit really hits the fan?”

I can tell you exactly what they’re gonna do at 40 or 50 “when the shit hits the fan” and the slow wilt of age and gravity sets in — it’s called “mood elevators” and “wine.” Luckily, I’ve already gotten a preemptive head start on both. Not to mention all that human growth hormone I ordered off the internet!

There’s an article about some fashion photographer in next month’s Marie Claire Australia that included the above shot she took of Heidi Klum in the buff, but I forget the chick’s name and I didn’t actually bother to read any of the article because, as I mentioned, Heidi Klum was naked. Words just get in the way. It’s probably why you’re clicking on the thumbnails for nipslips instead of reading any of the words I’ve written right now.

TMZ first broke the news over the weekend, but Heidi Klum and Seal confirmed yesterday that they are separating after seven years of marriage and four children together. They said in a statement to People Magazine:

“While we have enjoyed seven very loving, loyal and happy years of marriage, after much soul-searching we have decided to separate.

We have had the deepest respect for one another throughout our relationship and continue to love each other very much, but we have grown apart. This is an amicable process and protecting the well-being of our children remains our top priority, especially during this time of transition.

We thank our family, friends, and fans for their kind words of support. And for our children’s sake, we appreciate you respecting our privacy.

The first thing that came out of my mouth when I heard this was “WHAT?!” followed promptly by a “WHY?” and then “Who the fuck drank all my bourbon?” The Daily Mail offers some insight into the split, saying:

Heidi Klum is divorcing her husband Seal because of his hard partying.

A source told the Sunday Mirror: ‘When they had their holiday in Ibiza last summer, Seal hit it hard, was out at clubs and with his friends a lot and Heidi was left with their kids trying to enjoy herself. The cracks were appearing and everybody was talking during that trip. He seemed off the rails.’

I have to say, this genuinely surprised and disappointed me. They seemed like they really had it figured out. Sometimes couples just hit a rough patch, I guess. This must have been the first time the rough patch wasn’t just Seal’s face. Seriously, the guy looks like he was put together with a goddamn weed-eater.

Heidi Klum in Digital Magazine before the dark times:

It’s officially Halloween today, and I’m sure most of you are so hungover right now that you can actually see the outline of your liver through your shirt. Me too. Even typing hurts this morning. Every keystroke might as well be an army of steel-beaked woodpeckers to the side of my skull. It’s awful. In fact, the only thing worse than typing this hungover is probably reading it hungover. I’ll just make it easier for both of us and stop now.

Heidi Klum as Slim Goodbody’s wet dream:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Charlie Sheen surprised everybody when he presented the Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series at the Emmy Awards last night, and not just because he appeared to have recently bathed and taken his meds, but because he had nothing but kinds words for his former cast members (video of his speech after the jump). The Daily Mail says:

Sheen stunned the audience when he declared: “I want to take a moment to get something off my chest and say a few words to everybody at Two and a Half Men.

From the bottom of my heart, I wish you nothing but the best for this upcoming season. We spent eight wonderful years together and I know you will continue to make great television.”

So naturally, right after he presented the award, the network had already arranged for “Two and a Half Men” stars Jon Cryer and Ashton Kutcher to take the stage. Gotta have that water cooler moment carefully orchestrated, because drama equals ratings! Except that Charlie Sheen didn’t precipitate any drama — he stopped short of crying and apologizing while pulling up his pants — so it sorta just made Cryer and Kutcher look like jackasses:

The two poked fun at Charlie with Cryer opening their bit by joking: ‘Hello, I’m that guy from Pretty in Pink.’

Then Kutcher chimed in saying: ‘I am not Charlie Sheen’, as he looked at Cryer he added: ‘Jon, I want to tell you something. I do not think that you are a troll,’ referring to a insult Charlie levied at his former co-star a few months ago.

But both they and the audience had been wrong-footed by the sincere, and incredibly sad words from the man who once branded himself a ‘warlock.’

Juxtaposed with this contrite monologue, their routine almost seemed like a cheap dig – proving that Sheen still knows how to steal a show when you least expect it.

Charlie even told Matt Lauer last week that he was “open” to the idea of returning for a cameo on the show. Talk about a complete 180. He must have found out the hard way that he couldn’t pay for whores and cocaine with #WINNING t-shirts and trash bags full of fake tiger blood.

And now, for some of the worst dresses of the night, starting with Gwyneth Paltrow:

Heidi Klum:

Katie Holmes:

Lea Michele:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

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I guess when you have a body like Seal’s, you can get away with wearing a Speedo on the beach. Mostly because you’ve got a good forty pounds and six inches on anyone who dares to laugh at you.

With wife Heidi Klum + the kiddies in Sardinia:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Heidi Klum is still in bikini in Sardinia, but now there’s old people ruining the picture as well as the kids from before and she doesn’t take her top off in any of the photos. So basically what I’m saying with this post is, “Life is disappointing.” Get used to it.

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

Heidi Klum went topless at the beach this weekend, but before you get all excited, you should know her kid’s right next to her in half the pictures. She might as well be wearing a turtleneck sweater and hip waders, because it’s next to impossible to get a boner when there’s a toddler staring back at you. Just ask anybody who’s married with kids. They’ll tell you.

With daughter Leni and husband Seal:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

The American Music Awards were last night, but I didn’t watch them because I would rather watch zombies nom on brains (Walking Dead, anyone?). Speaking of dead people, did you know that as a body decomposes, it fills with gas, often resulting in the body farting and burping? I make this point because if you stuck a kazoo up a corpse’s ass, it would probably manage to make better music than what was being celebrated last night. Case in point: Justin Bieber swept up awards last night. Says Time News Feed:

Starting with Bieber, he won entertainer of the year, breakthrough artist of the year, favorite pop/rock male and favorite pop/rock album for My World 2.0. “I come from the smallest town in the world, of like 30,000 people; I never thought this was possible,” he gushed, before paying tribute to the late King of Pop. “I want to thank Michael Jackson, because without Michael Jackson none of us would be here.”

Hee-hee-hee. No music would exist without MJ? It’s the new music Gospel they’re teaching kids these days. “In the beginning was Michael Jackson, and the music was with God, and the music was Michael Jackson. He was God in the beginning. Through him all music was made; without him no music was made that has been made.” MJ 1:1-3. I think I hear all the music greats prior to MJ collectively turning in their graves.

A zombie’s smörgåsbord:

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A lot of women use Halloween as a chance to shamelessly whore themselves out, but not Heidi Klum. Heidi Klum is fucking serious about Halloween. She totally pwns everybody else’s costume every single year, hands down. There’s no point in even trying to beat her. You could light yourself on fire from inside an iron lung being pulled by an elephant wearing a Bette Midler wig and tap shoes and you’d still only look half as cool as she did.

As Electra from Starlight Express:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures

The video for Seal’s new single “Secret” from his latest album Seal 6: Commitment was released online today, which features 47-year old Seal in nothing but his $21,500 Parmigiani watch. On the plus side, his supermodel wife Heidi Klum is also naked in the three-minute video. The NY Daily News says:

In the steamy video, the naked couple [caress] one another while frolicking together in bed.

Klum [said] that she and her husband didn’t have to do much acting for the project.

“It’s the story of two people in love,” the 37-year-old model said. “My husband is what I always wanted and never thought I would have.”

The couple also revealed they kept nude photos of themselves in the family bathroom.

“They see their parents naked all the time,” Klum told Us Magazine of her children. “We are not ashamed.”

She might not be ashamed, but I sure as hell was. I haven’t felt that much abject discomfort after seeing something since I was forced to watch Michael Bolton’s jive on Dancing with the Stars. I couldn’t help but squirm all the way through it.

Screen grabs from the video here; watch Bolton shame-ify himself on DWTS after the jump:

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I made a list of everything that’s better than seeing Heidi Klum naked:

1. Christmas
2. Two Heidi Klums naked

The end.